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He Knows, He Just Doesn’t Care. The Truth About Abuse and “Communication” w Aishia Grevenberg | S3E2

Lisa Sonni

43,995 views

If you keep thinking “I just need him to understand”, this episode will change everything.

Lisa Sonni is joined by therapist and survivor Aishia Grevenberg to break down why abusive men do not change through communication, couples therapy, or better explanations. They unpack why these men communicate perfectly well everywhere else, why therapy often misses the mark, and why abuse is not about misunderstanding but about power and entitlement.
They explore how emotional reactions are used as control, why explaining keeps you stuck, and how the promise of change is often just a way to buy time.

This episode names the moment many survivors finally see clearly: He heard you, he understood you and he chose to keep hurting you.
Watch if you are tired of over explaining, exhausted from trying to be understood, or ready to stop carrying responsibility for someone else’s behavior.
Follow her @mytherapistslife on IG and TikTok or visit her site: https://www.aishiagrevenberg.com/

Comment below: What was the moment you realized he already knew?

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About Lisa Sonni
Abusive relationship educator and trauma bond recovery expert. Certified Trauma Recovery Coach, creator of the Break & Rebuild Method, and author of four abuse-recovery books. Host of Relationships Uncensored Podcast.

#NarcissisticAbuse #TraumaRecovery #NarcissisticAbuseRecovery
#TraumaBonding #EmotionalAbuse #NarcissisticPersonalityDisorder #HealingFromTrauma #ToxicRelationships

⚠️ DISCLAIMER: This content is for educational and informational purposes only. It is not therapy or medical advice. Always seek professional help for your specific situation.

00:00 – You’re Not Imagining This
00:31 – Why This Pattern Feels So Hard to Explain
01:02 – The Question You Keep Asking Yourself
01:41 – What Healthy Conflict Actually Looks Like
02:22 – Why Resolution Never Comes
03:01 – The Cycle That Keeps Restarting
03:46 – When Apologies Change Nothing
04:29 – Why Hope Keeps You Engaged
05:06 – The Illusion of Progress
05:54 – Emotional Reset Without Repair
06:31 – Why You Feel Pulled Back In
07:08 – This Is Not Miscommunication
07:46 – Control Without Commands
08:21 – Why You’re Always the One Reflecting
09:02 – When Accountability Never Lands
09:44 – The Cost of Staying Self-Aware Alone
10:27 – Why Insight Doesn’t Stop the Pattern
11:04 – What Actually Ends the Cycle
11:46 – The Moment Things Finally Clarify
12:21 – You Don’t Need More Patience
12:58 – Choosing Reality Over Hope
13:29 – The Truth That Sets You Free

20 Comments

@lisasonni Creator 8 months ago Pinned

If you’ve already left but still don’t feel like “you,” this is the stage no one warns you about. The numbness, the identity loss, the exhaustion after survival mode.

Rise and Rebuild is where I help you reconnect with who you are, rebuild trust in yourself, and create the kind of inner calm you haven’t felt in years.

If you’re ready to feel grounded, confident, and whole again, you can learn about the next round here: https://strongerthanbefore.ca/rise-and-rebuild-group-coaching/

@bvaliant4him 8 months ago

Never, EVER, tell an abuser you are scared. You’re just confirming to them that their chosen control technique is working. That’s why it escalates.

@CeciledeLuire 8 months ago

"He beats me."
"Okay - ask him how he feels."
What the burning hell.

@secondbloomwomen 7 months ago (edited)

I have gotten to the point in my life where I refused to explain common human decency and kindness to grown people. If that means I have to be alone then at least my life will be free of chaos and abuse. Peace looks good on me.

@amjPeace 8 months ago

Step one is to stop caring about what he thinks of you. If you really want to break the habit of defending yourself you have to stop caring about what he is thinking and feeling and instead start caring about what you are thinking and feeling. Not as easy as it sounds.

@GiveItAThink-1018 8 months ago (edited)

It's SO disturbing that training for couples counselors teaches it is up to the woman to ask the abuser how he feels. This is straight ignorance. Abusers do not love in a healthy way.

@ND-or5so 8 months ago

They always go back to abusing. They fake improving.

@vivianworden 8 months ago

In a world where CPS makes children live with their abusers even living in a tent while they're addicted. Are we surprised domestic violence isn't taken seriously?

@amyteurlife9408 8 months ago

If you have to explain to an adult...things a child would understand...there are problems

@FishareFriendsNotFood972 8 months ago

"She is NOT your rehab" is such an important message men can tell each other!!! You're so right, leave women out of trying to convince other men to change!

@roninboxers 3 months ago

It's not just that they don't care. Some of them are actively getting off on seeing the fear, the terrorizing, the control. They thrive and they love it. You are never going to get someone to stop when that is what is motivating them.

@PJVN2-k8p 7 months ago

When I talked about the abusive behavior, such as yelling, slamming doors, throwing coffee on me, pushing my face, DARVO, the Gottman therapist said I was being “critical,” even though I did so in a calm but factual way. I finally realized this was about control and left, but it took me 13 years. The couples therapy industry is a joke.

@lwontherez7927 8 months ago (edited)

I liked what you said about how they CHOOSE to treat certain people badly, because they would never treat their boss or coworkers the same way. They DO have control AND DO understand when they CHOOSE to.

@DKilgallen 8 months ago (edited)

I went to couples therapy. Many times. My husband coerced and forced me to have sex right after having a baby. He told the therapist he felt neglected. The therapist told us that either one of us could stop the other at any time of the day for a HUG. A full 60 second hug. He would do it and I felt trapped. He told the therapist that I never stopped him for a hug. Wonder why?!!!

Couples counseling made everything worse. They were the ones that told me it was marital rape. And then gave him permission to disrupt my day by forcing closeness on me.

@gamelion3657 8 months ago (edited)

“Let” is an IMPLIED THREAT. Full stop. My abuser used that word with me the first time he became violent. It’s a tell. If you hear a man say “let” in regards to women, RUN.

@LakeishaMonique 8 months ago

Oh wow "As long as you are emotional you are controllable" that is a whole word. I have been recently trying to figure out how to stop being suckered into the drama.

Asking questions 🤔 thank you!

@shawnnaneseth 7 months ago

I can't begin to remember how many promises my ex husband of 20 years made and didn't keep. But the one he did keep I can never forget: "if you divorce me, you'll lose your kids, your stuff and be homeless for the rest of your life." He made that one so many times, even in front of our own children. I can't help but to wonder how much money it actually cost to keep that promise? More than alimony and child support would have been? Probably not even close.

@bellaberke 2 months ago

Child abuse of innocent little boys and girls causes brain injuries and emotional disregulation. This is not an excuse but a basis for insight into ourselves and healing. Thank you for this discussion.

@HollyLSherrod 7 months ago

therapist/social worker here. The experience of that training is infuriating AND dangerous!!!

@notreally308 8 months ago (edited)

Omg! The blanket! He did that to me!! Ripped comforter off the bed and said get ur own! now we sleep with separate comforters.
Wow. Wow. Wow. I've listened to so many things about this subject and THIS ONE RIGHT HERE finally sinks in! I have gone back and forth in my mind thinking this will be it he will change but NO HE WILL NOT! The part where can a good loving man change into an abuser... that made so much sense! I cannot thank you enough for this. I will be putting this on repeat!! This is so real and every part speaks directly to me! I am so exhausted. All I want is peace. Thank you for this!