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How Abusers Use Technology to Track, Watch & Control You with Dr. Christine Cocchiola | S5E03

Lisa Sonni

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If “I just worry about you” or “text me when you get there” has ever felt more like monitoring than care, this episode explains why. Lisa Sonni sits down with Dr. Christine Cocchiola, whose work in domestic violence, sexual assault crisis, and protective parenting helps survivors name coercive control—especially when it hides inside location sharing, passwords, and digital access that look protective at first.
They break down how tech-enabled abuse can include tracking, account access, hidden cameras, phone and Wi-Fi surveillance, and devices disguised in everyday objects. Dr. Cocchiola emphasizes that patterns matter more than isolated requests: when a request becomes a rule and the rule keeps expanding, your agency shrinks. The conversation also covers post-separation abuse, why coercive control is a serious safety warning, and why strategy—not proving the truth to someone unsafe—is often the path to protection.

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About Lisa Sonni
Abusive relationship educator and trauma bond recovery expert. Certified Trauma Recovery Coach, creator of the Break & Rebuild Method, and author of four abuse-recovery books. Host of Relationships Uncensored Podcast.

#NarcissisticAbuse #TraumaRecovery #NarcissisticAbuseRecovery
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⚠️ DISCLAIMER: This content is for educational and informational purposes only. It is not therapy or medical advice. Always seek professional help for your specific situation.

0:00 Intro — The Stalking Confession
0:18 Why Coercive Control Is Invisible
0:56 Meet Dr. Christine Cocchiola
2:05 Obtain, Maintain, Regain: The Trajectory of Control
2:37 Stalking, Litigation, and Weaponizing the Kids
3:16 Abusers and Disorganized Attachment
4:19 Where Patriarchy Meets Coercive Control
4:45 What Is "Benevolent Abuse"?
5:33 Narcissism, Borderline, and the DSM-5 "Pile of Junk"
7:03 The Core Abuser Trait: Fear of Abandonment
8:06 "I Just Want to Know You're Safe" — Care or Control?
9:39 When a Request Becomes a Rule
10:37 Location Sharing and Consent
11:38 Tracked Through Her Own Google Account
12:09 The Keyboard Passcode Watcher
13:38 The Nova Scotia Hidden Camera Case
14:07 Christmas Mugs and Hidden Cameras at Home
15:29 Hidden Trackers: Chargers, Thermostats, Smoke Detectors
16:02 How Access Starts: "Just Give Me Your Password"
17:24 Omnipresence — Watched Even After He's Gone
19:37 Healthy Privacy vs. Control
21:01 The Fake Dating Profile
23:00 Why Tech Sweeps Miss Things
24:35 Coercive Control Intensifies After Separation
25:35 Strategy vs. Subjugation
27:12 Jealousy as a Cover for Surveillance
27:59 "The Accusation Is the Confession"
29:02 Why "I'm Planning to Leave" Is Dangerous Honesty
31:05 The Cash-Back Trick Banks Killed
32:36 "He's Bad With Technology" Is a Lie
33:22 Childhood Wounds and Why Benevolent Abuse Works
35:29 When Abusers Believe Their Own Lies
36:47 Coercive Control: The #1 Predictor of Lethality
37:36 Case Study: A Restraining Order Isn't Always Enough
40:19 Roots in Entitlement and How Boys Are Raised

20 Comments

@bebebete 9 days ago

the sad part is they were never a good friend, lover or someone to trust. they were sneaky, mean and cheap characters...always! They are just good in convincing people.... disgusting

@casperinsight3524 8 days ago

When they do something NICE for you there is always a self serving reason for their EFfORTS guaranteed !!

@joanharder2124 9 days ago

This video reinforces how grateful I am that I was able to escape. Thank you both for all your effort. I worked with a therapist on a weekly basis for 2 years. She helped me see clearly what was going on, we built a plan for my exit, and my divorce. I’m 1 year out. Relocated. Building my new amazing peaceful life. 💜🙏💜

@fionasmom6254 9 days ago

Many years ago, before cell phones, I dated a guy like what they are mentioning.
He was suffocating. He thought ANY and ALL of my free time was to be spent with him.
I had one day a week that I was home doing laundry and things and he would call constantly, talking for at least an hour each time to dominate my time.
I can only imagine how he would have been had cell phones been around!

@gamelion3657 9 days ago

All abusers are good at technology because they use YOU as slave labor to buy themselves TIME, freedom, and spending money. Each piece of those 3 items they get more of, build the other two. It increases exponentially, OFF your pain, exhaustion, scrimping and saving, and hard work. Honestly these abusers need to be taken down. They shouldn’t be able to go through life destroying and stealing from others.

@Hunainchauhan-i5b 9 days ago

There’s something weird about the Lorian Kade concept of desire. He basically argues that trying harder to make someone like you can change the entire dynamic without you even noticing. Crazy when you actually think about it.

@Helen-s6b 9 days ago

Being aware of government manipulation does not make you a bad person. In fact ladies what you are talking about is what the government is currently doing to all of us. Why do the people who hurt others not get much jail time, why is this not taken more seriously by law enforcement? Because we are all training the AI, our phones, cars and personal cameras are all tracking us for control.
Making it seem like people who distrust government and flock surveillance and the department of war does not make you an abuser.

@Heidi_137 9 days ago

Consider using an older phone for personal use—many tracking apps won’t work but still work for things like home cameras. I still use an iPhone 6s for my home cams and an older phone as my personal device. Cell towers also don’t track older phones in exactly the same way as newer devices.

My newer phone is for work and stays at work whenever possible.

I’d also use separate Gmail accounts for different devices and go through your settings to disable unnecessary tracking, location sharing, personalized suggestions, etc.

Same idea with laptops: cover the built-in camera when you’re not using it, use an external webcam for Zoom when needed, and keep a separate work laptop if possible.

None of this has to be expensive—most of my devices are pre-owned.

@Laylo-s9k 8 days ago

I don't understand why courts still allow any form of shared custody with an abuser when there is a restraining order. It's crazy!

@kevabela6307 9 days ago (edited)

Very eye opening ladies 👀 Just horrible 😢 Thank you for this information 🙏We need you!!! 💗

@MegaSunshineyDay 9 days ago

11:54 this can be done with your IP Address.
On a different note, I put a tracker on my car and downloaded family plan phone records after I found out my husband was cheating. I’m not sorry for it. He spun it as if I was the abuser when he had actually been monitoring my whereabouts for years. I’m certain he’s hired private investigators who are actually thugs. He made me look like a crazy person. He had my passwords and location all along. I was the dumb dumb for trusting him. I’m not sorry for fighting fire with fire. 🤷🏻‍♀️

@Dreambarks 9 days ago

This information will, hopefully, prevent women from falling into a feedback loop where they begin to wonder why they keep ending up with the same kind of relationship, as it they're a magnet for malignant narcissists. Once you understand the disorder you might be able to recognize it before you become attached and so emotionally dependant that you can't get free.

@gamelion3657 9 days ago

Freud was bribed to ignore incest on a bunch of girls and pathologize the girls for speaking out about rape by fathers. Even though these poor girls had syphilis from their fathers. 😢😢😢

@casperinsight3524 8 days ago

It's their way or no way 😳
They make your life miserable in every way if you don't submit or comply to their demands 👀
They wear you down
death by a thousand paper cuts

@pspspsychic_cat 9 days ago

I strongly agree that BPD doesn't exist. It's CPTSD as a reaction to abuse and crazy-making. I'm so glad someone finally said it! The DSM notoriously refused to include CPTSD in the manual. Big red flag. At least OCD-11 has CPTSD as a diagnosis now.

@Crazydoglady66 4 days ago

I'm from NS, and it is terrifying what happened to that woman, and even more so that he was allowed to get away with it. It sets a precedent for future abusers. I can't even tell you the number of men in the comments of the articles about it who say, "that's his home. He's allowed to have cameras in his own house". It's so scary.

@casperinsight3524 8 days ago (edited)

Tech abuse is a double sword
When you want communication they have a million excuses, they despise technology 🙄 bla bla bla

When you can't be reached at a monents notice it's a different story 🙄 all h3ll breaks loose 👀
They accuse. you
They berate you
They throw a temper tantrum
Power & Ctrl

How dare you not be at my beckoning call ?! 🙄

@clS-e5d 9 days ago

I have been dealing with this exact thing. This has lead into the most horrific invasion of privacy. And voyuer cam trafficking. And it is not just a man involved in my abuse. Our laws are not up to date.

@gamelion3657 9 days ago

I’m definitely being stalked online and in person. 5 years later, I can’t figure it out, I’m exhausted of trying to. Let him come at us, we can’t live in fear forever.

@maryalycesullivan 9 days ago (edited)

6:00 in, I just want to clap, I find the DSM V useful for insurance reimbursement and to have a list of traits put together, but ESPECIALLY the children's diagnoses misunderstand every "problem" child I have ever worked with and YES borderline reminds me of giving women a hysteria diagnosis. Anyway, on to watch the rest