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THIS Is What Happens to the Dismissive Avoidant Later in Life

Thais Gibson - Personal Development School

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What happens to a Dismissive Avoidant as they get older if they never address their attachment patterns?

Episode Summary
In this video, Thais Gibson explores how Dismissive Avoidant patterns may evolve with age when they remain unaddressed. She discusses how emotional withdrawal, independence, and reliance on numbing or distraction can become increasingly ingrained, while opportunities for vulnerability, intimacy, and meaningful connection may become more difficult to pursue.

Thais also explores the importance of connection, active vulnerability, and interdependence. Rather than relying entirely on others or exclusively on yourself, she describes secure interdependence as developing the ability to self-soothe while also allowing yourself to lean on, connect with, and grow alongside other people in healthy ways.

Key Takeaways
✔️ Unaddressed Dismissive Avoidant patterns may become more ingrained over time
✔️ Emotional withdrawal can make deeper connection increasingly difficult
✔️ Numbing and distraction are different from identifying and addressing emotional needs
✔️ Healthy connection requires practicing vulnerability rather than relying solely on independence
✔️ Loved ones cannot force a Dismissive Avoidant to change
✔️ Healing can include learning to maintain your sense of self while connecting with others
✔️ Secure interdependence balances healthy self-reliance with healthy reliance on others

Timestamps
00:00 – When An Avoidant Gets Older
00:31 – Aging in a Relationship Makes Numbing Harder Over Time
02:24 – Self-Soothing
04:18 – 7-Day Free Trial Promo (How to Heal From a Breakup)
04:59 – The Neuroscience Behind Social Isolation
06:43 – Ancient Wisdom on Community
08:15 – If You’re the Loved One of a Dismissive Avoidant
08:54 – If You Are Dismissive Avoidant
09:34 – Interdependence

Meet Thais
Thais Gibson, PhD, is a Best-Selling Author, Pastoral Counselor, Relationship Coach, and the founder of The Personal Development School (PDS). Between 2013 and 2019, she developed Integrated Attachment Theory® (IAT), the Six-Step Method to Becoming Secure, a framework rooted in neuroscience, attachment theory, psychology, and spirituality, trademarked in October 2021. IAT works across six pillars:

✔ Rewire Your Attachment Core Wounds
✔ Learn Your Attachment Needs
✔ Regulate Your Nervous System Somatically
✔ Learn Healthy Boundaries
✔ Improve Communication
✔ Rewire Your Unhealthy Protest Behaviors

Since opening in 2020, PDS has grown to serve over 70,000 students in 145 countries, achieving a 97% satisfaction rate and helping people reprogram their subconscious patterns and build thriving, secure relationships.

Helpful Resources:

🧠 Take the Free Attachment Style Quiz
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https://attachment.personaldevelopmen...

📚 Read the New Attachment Theory Book
https://attachment.personaldevelopmen...

🎧 Discover Podcast Episodes
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📝 Read the PDS Blog
https://blog.personaldevelopmentschoo...

Let’s Connect on Socials:
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🎵 TikTok: TikTok: thaisgibson
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20 Comments

@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool Creator 9 days ago Pinned

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@Chuckieboy-n1g 8 days ago

They look back, as they age and regret, and really miss the intimate. Real, deep relationships that they had a chance for.

@Chuckieboy-n1g 8 days ago

Loving someone DEEPLY gives YOU TRUE COURAGE

@RachelMintz 8 days ago

I’d really love a video on the difference between covert narcissists and dismissive avoidants. They seem exactly the same

@lisaraper8053 7 days ago

I still pray he heals. Vulnerability is a super power not a weakness.

@narcissisticabuseca 9 days ago (edited)

He was 46 (47 now). I offered him the relationship he said he always wanted and he sabotaged it all. Alcohol is definitely his go-to numbing approach. Mind you, he wasn't just a DA, he also had vulnerable narcissistic traits. Of course, he is the victim. He's definitely trying to chase younger women and talked about moving together and money early, which in the end is just as unstable as him. His "protector and provider" script was a total farce and the future faking, projections, and double standards were through the roof.

@Sofastürmer6334 9 days ago

I have had an old avoidant friend and he often searches the company of young and very young women. Not able to go into relationships with women of his own age, but searching contact to young and very young woman. He is 60 and he is often seen with 20 -40 year old women.rarely connects to males .and he needs always the role of a teacher or a " thinker". He was not able to a real friendship.

@DanielleFox-g5j 4 days ago (edited)

I’ve seen a dismissive avoidant begin relationships with people 10 years younger than them. They target people younger who are less sure of themselves so they are easier to control. Beginning relationships with people their own age usually see through their crap.

@JoeKoski-j7t 3 days ago

There is a woman from a few years back with which I avoided and put off and now I can barely live with myself. I think about her every single day. She opened a door and offered me an opportunity, twice. I've literally contemplated suicide over this because to not act on her was, well there is no one better to me. I won't kill myself but I will live in regret forever.

@dominikbraun7136 2 days ago

I trust the time now, as I let go of "my" avoidant. I trust the time to bring him to a break-down as I had one - the one where the patterns get obvious, where the guards come down, where he recognizes how heavily he hurt me and his other "victims". This will change him - but anyway, there is no way "back" to me. I wish him all the best, knowing that the best will include such a catalyst breakdown generally no one really is to be wished.

@jennylindahl1373 8 days ago

I'm dismissive avoidant myself and I resonate with this, and I have recently used the phrase I can not give you what you need.. I said to my brother the other day that I probably will be alone for the rest of my life. I feel totally unable to connect. I have a situationship with another avoidant, that is the closest I think I will ever come to a relationship ever again. My avoidance started in childhood and It's not getting better. Unfortunately here in Sweden I don't know if there is any treatment for me.

@Toolegittohit 9 days ago

What’s the concept of healing? If ultimately you can only delay the instincts you’ve learned with the things you’ve learned in places like yours. It’s 15 years of learning vs 1 year of change

@andrewmass1414 8 days ago

Just discarded by my dissmissive avoidant.

@Sifu_Black 9 days ago (edited)

Interesting...I may be seeing this with many of my own friends. So many of them are in toxic relationships addicted to drug and/or alcohol, or both. Others are so desperately lonely they are settling for situationships they don't want, or trying to please people who use them. The only friends I have who are level headed are the martial arts students I teach that are in my age range. We even hang out outside the kwoon (training studio) sometimes for dinner or drinks.

Ironically, I'm so focused on my business, hobbies, and interests that the drama just drains and distracts me. Many of those people look to me for advice and help, but most don't take my advice. I suppose that comes with the territory though, as I've always been the anchor who believes in providing people with my strength instead of my vulnerability.

This is great insight!

@jonnuanez7183 8 days ago (edited)

Fearful Avoidant here that for the moment is still living in Tijuana, which can be a very socially isolating place especially if you're not from the culture (I'm not). This is exactly why I'm preparing a move to Los Angeles and am also applying at my alma mater Cal State Fullerton. I cannot deal with the isolation anymore. I feel somehow solving the 20+ year riddle of why my friend discarded me and our relationship and then realizing that she is/was? a Dismissive Avoidant has given me the energy to say "enough is enough" here. Inexpensive living is great. But I have no social life. I lock the doors after I'm done with work, gym, laundry, market etc and that's not right. On my small trips up to L.A. like Amoeba Records etc, it feels like home.

@KatieNowak-tw4vy 4 days ago

My husband is believe is da. We've been married for almost 10 yrs. As a child he was told if he can't handle his emotions he needs to go to his room. I would love a video to share with him to help him understand himself but not feel guilty. Also, a video for myself that could possibly show me how I could help him . Thank you and God Bless

@Laura96ish 5 days ago

Your videos have helped me understand myself, my partner and our childhood dynamics that show up in our relationship now. I really appreciate the integration of all 3 perspectives here, keep going 🔥 thank you!

@JoeKoski-j7t 3 days ago

I've done this. Now I feel like a well with barely any water left. I'm holding onto someone who is basically safe because she isn't interested romantically.

@PackWillStrengthCond 5 days ago (edited)

I am married to a severely dismissive avoidant. I knew nothing of attachment theory a few years ago when we separated. I began individual therapy in earnest and she did too. She mentioned to me that her therapist said she was dismissive avoidant which was the first time I’d heard the term and I began a deep dive into attachment theory. A year later, I brought up something to do with her being dismissive avoidant and she got extremely defensive saying she was not DA and that I was trying to label her something she’s not. Flabbergasted, I’ve gone the past 2 years watching her wallow in her deep dismissive avoidance unable to do or say anything about it to her as it will cause a fight and further distance. We are physically and emotionally separated in the same house co-parenting our 10 year old son. I want to send her your videos but I know they would not be met with any sort of curiosity and eventually she would block me from sending her anything. Sad state of affairs.

Note: She only went to therapy for about 2 months. When I asked her sometime later how therapy was going, she said she stopped because she learned all she needed to know from her therapist. No change in behavior. My guess is the therapist started digging into her past and she shut down.