“A warped experience of reality is significantly more dysregulating than a true experience of reality that is painful.  Painful truths are still regulating for our systems, because we’re responding to what’s actually happening.”

So true. Nothing is more dysregulating than cognitive dissonance. And giving up wanting something to happen that will never happen, is strangely freeing.

One of the hardest lessons I've had to learn is allowing others to fail.

Heidi - where have you hidden the cameras & microphones all these years? I swear, virtually every one of your videos is speaking directly to me, and accurately call out all of the issues and challenges I must face or work on.  It’s eerily spot on.  As always, THANK YOU, and please keep up the amazing work!  XOXO

I am insanely controlling over my own "personal growth" I overthink every aspect of how I feel, what I've done and what I could have said or done better in any situation. This is my way of avoiding blame and difficult emotions. This was the cardinal coping strategy I used in my family environment.
I've started to recognize these obsessive self-help binges as markers that I'm anxious or triggered and that I'm avoiding something difficult, but in some ways, very simple.

My default state seems to be that I have no idea who ought to be responsible for what. Therefore, if other people don't want to take responsibility for something, I just decide whether I anyone should be responsible for it and if so take responsibility myself; and furthermore it is opaque to me whether I am under-taking responsibility in some other areas.

I turned on my computer and just felt like Priebe would have something new. And looky here, 1 hour old. I have attuned

You are the absolute best at delivering clear, concise and engaging content. You've helped me so so much. Thankyou from me and all my inner children.

I feel ashamed of experiencing the vulnerability of accepting that I do not have control over how reality(people) responds to me
I feel ashamed of experiencing the vulnerability of accepting that I Cannot control reality but that I am powerless and can only sent intent (not control)

Yesss, hyperindependence is also really common among those of us with chronic illness or dynamic disabilities!!

What I’m thinking as I watch this video: responsibility as dissociation. Maybe not the most obvious connection, but I’ve been thinking a lot recently about dissociation in its different forms, and I see it here. This idea that we have agency over everything, that we can control x by doing y—that all obfuscates the much more difficult to accept reality that we don’t have agency over everything, and that we can’t always control things. Action taken without that acknowledgement (or knowledge) is actually blindness, and life has a way of making us see things.

I’m a gay man. So a man but with a very different perspective on what it means to be one. I think a lot of this is gendered too. Men who buy into a certain narrative about who they are cannot accept that the world might be other than what they will it to be. It’s taken a long time, but I’ve come to a place where I’ve found compassion for them. Life shows them what they refuse to look at too.

Thank you, Heidi, for showing up as you do.

Heidi please make a video on hyperindependence as a trauma response 🥺

This series on self-esteem is very eye-opening and empathetic. Thank you Heidi for preparing all these videos and sharing them with us. You are helping to not just gain clarity but also figure out the practical, doable, and loving steps that we can take to get better. This is especially important for those of us who procrastinate due to perfectionism, which again is a consequence of taking too much responsibility for every single thing in our lives. Thank you so much! I can't appreciate you enough. ❤

i relapsed last night (1.5 mo sober) and this is the exact video I needed.  The Algo has done (1) good thing.

Okay... okay... Most of your videos are good, but this one explains pretty much my WHOLE emotional difficulty as an adult.

19:30 Yeah, my brain absolute hates that sitting with your emotions is the solution. I keep sitting with them, more obsessing over them really, and then my problem just kind of solves itself. So, I'm making progress working through things, but I haven't felt like I had any idea how I'm doing it. Putting words to this for me is helpful, thank you.

Self-responsibility: because adulting is hard, but someone's gotta do it

Guilty of Taking too much responsibility. Ugh. It’s been a long and painful realization to come to this truth about myself. The key to healing it is setting appropriate boundaries - which for me was learning how to assertively speak my truth and tell the person how their not taking responsibility for themselves was affecting me and the health of the relationship. It was scary because I think I knew in my gut that the person never truly cared or saw me at all. They chose to remain in denial and blame. I left the relationship. 😢. It’s painful but I know it’s the path to healing and growth.

I had to take the blame for everything growing up as my mom was triggered by rejection of any kind, and I was the only child, the only person she had power over. I got a little nervous when you talked about how not telling people how they’re affecting you is a disservice to them, because I recently set some boundaries to stay away from a few people in my life who had thrown my feelings back in my face when I tried to be vulnerable. But I hear you saying “why would you stay in relation with someone like that” and I think I’ve done the right thing boundary-setting, because I can bring up my feelings to people I can trust. I have a message in my head that I shouldn’t be running away, which often makes me question boundaries I feel I need. I definitely identify with trying to solve things for myself all the time, as my mom and partners always pathologized all my feelings and couldn’t tolerate my dysregulation. It was also like I owed it to them to let them “fix” me so they could be needed, even if their fix made things worse. So I had to pick up the slack and fix it myself and then let them think they helped. I’m trying to learn I’m lovable even when I’m not okay, and that I’m not going to get to a point where I don’t have struggles. It’s hard when I’m frequently dysregulated and my feelings seem so huge because I’m healing through abuse.

It's really interesting, I see some spaces in my life where I visibly undertake responsibility, and other where I completely overtake. My brain would prefer this to be more straightforward 😅

Hey heidi… i just wanna say that i love you ❤