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"Your Parents Were Children Too" Has Been Weaponized

Whitney Goodman, LMFT at Calling Home

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We have the cure for estrangement: just see your parents as children too. Easy. Case closed. [Read: sarcasm] In this episode, Whitney traces where this sometimes helpful and sometimes very unhelpful idea came from and shows how something genuinely useful got turned into a permanent exit ramp from accountability.

In this episode, you'll learn:
How "your parents were children too" worked its way into self-help
Why unfinished business has to move upward or outward, never down to your own children
What defensiveness in a parent is usually protecting

Whitney Goodman is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT) and the founder of Calling Home, a membership community that helps people navigate complex family dynamics and break harmful cycles.

Have a question for Whitney? Send a voice memo or email to whitney@callinghome.co

Join the Family Cyclebreakers Club: https://callinghome.co
Follow Whitney on Instagram | sitwithwhit
Follow Whitney on YouTube | @whitneygoodmanlmft
Order Whitney's book, Toxic Positivity: https://sitwithwhit.com/toxic-positivity

Sign up for updates on Whitney's new book: https://cmnyyv4kpyt.typeform.com/to/P...

This podcast is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional mental health advice.

20 Comments

@gumsguey 1 month ago

“You can understand why someone hurt you and still expect them to stop.” 😭 Whitney strikes again!!! So grateful for all your content!! 🥺

@diashelle 1 month ago

We’re supposed to be parent and therapist for our abusive parents. I do not consent to this. If I can go to therapy, my abusive family members can, too.

@katehampstead6024 1 month ago

"Understanding is not paired with obligation"🎯

@FrancleighScarlett 1 month ago

Ironically before I went NC, I tried to empathize with my mom. Her dad was away a lot in the military, her mom was bipolar. I said it must have been hard sometimes, feeling like the parent instead of the child. And she just denied it and said her childhood was perfect. Sure, thats definitely why you rebelled at 16, had a teen pregnancy, and spent your life resenting me for stealing your youth.

@aaaaashhhl 1 month ago (edited)

you know what finally broke the spell? realizing i wasn't protecting my parents by understanding them, i was protecting myself from the guilt of leaving. the empathy felt like evidence that i was still a good person even though a good person would stay. it's a brilliant trap because understanding someone's damage doesn't actually repair what they did to you, but your brain gets to believe you're being mature and evolved while staying in the exact same place. i read "for those of you who feel invisible" and there's a line about how the stories you tell about why someone hurt you become the chains that keep you from leaving, that explained so much ... and suddenly it didn't matter anymore why my parents were the way they were. what mattered was that i wasn't healing, i was just getting very good at explaining the injury.

@atlasiroh5095 1 month ago

Yes, they were children too; the kind of children i wouldnt let my kids play with...

@Pancakeslugs 1 month ago

My Enabler parent's favorite excuse. "(Abuser) was abused and had a terrible childhood." Wow, we have so much in common! I know what that's like, too.

@VioletHarmony 1 month ago (edited)

Our parents didn’t see us as “fragile children” but we’re supposed to see them that way? These people are living their lives 🫏 backwards.

@julisakyani6306 1 month ago

"Try to understand your parent's inner child!" I know exactly what my mother went through as a child...because she was TELL us by comparing it to "how good" we had it because she wasnt beating us with extension cords even though she could, she would say😑 she would tell us all this stuff, but never once said, "but i forgave ypur abuela, because she had it bad as a child to!-" nope. SHE also estranged from her mom! But when i left? Its been 7 years of stalking from mommy dearest😬

@Sarah-with-an-H 1 month ago

I am not responsible for my mom’s feelings. Parentification is never the answer. I have learned to walk away when she tries to get me to react so she can face herself

@Asenueh 1 month ago

The problem with the demand that children "empathize" with the dysfunctional parent is the same as with the survival requirement that less empowered people in the social hierarchy must understand and manage the moods above them, but not the other way around. Parents were the ones with the power in the relationship and if a parent mismanages that, then adult children who are independent have the right to protect themselves from preventable adverse impacts.

@WittiestStoichiometrist 1 month ago

Two types of people: 1) group who gets hurt in life and says "I'm not going to bring this same harm to the world, I'll never hurt anyone like this 2) group who got hurt and said "I'll forgive this harm not because I feel it's right to do, but because society/family pressure me to do so". Notice both groups have the kindest of intentions but group 2 ensures the harm continues. Why don't we talk about the damage that undeserved forgiveness/empathy can cause? Pretending my childhood wasn't that bad is what kept me stuck and unable to see what actually needed worked on in my life. Only when I entertained the possibility that my parents weren't good people did all of their actions actually start to make sense. Also group 2 will never second guess themselves they've gotten into the habit of suppressing themselves which is why they are able to forgive the unforgivable. I'm so glad I didn't fall into the forgiveness trap. I'm all for letting go of anger and accepting what cannot be changed.

@Djynni 1 month ago

If parents want parents, they need to stick with the ones they came from. If their parents are dead, that happens to everyone. It doesn't mean you look to your children to be your parents.

@Frost-elda 1 month ago

I’m well aware that their both childhoods sucked, but both of my parents were above 30 when they had me, they both had plenty of time to go to therapy and work through their issues before having children, but they didn’t and used me as a therapist instead so by this point I have no empathy left for them

@phoenixcharr8823 1 month ago

I remember trying to show my mother how much she was hurting me as a kid by comparing her treatment of me to how she was treated by her parents. She was the scapegoat in the family, and I was constantly scapegoated as the older child. But even when I pointed out that she was saying the same things she hated hearing from her parents, she refused to self reflect and instead accused me, at age 10, of attempting to emotionally manipulate her.

@ballistic_goat 1 month ago

I hate that saying because it applies to literally everyone, so, not an excuse

"Oh but it's their first time living" ISN'T IT EVERYONE'S. Yet others are not messing up this bad

@karanhdream 1 month ago

I spent over 20 YEARS being compassionate and understanding to my father’s inner child. Where did that got me?

Still to total estrangement because the compassion was one-sided. I tried to undertsand him, to be kind and patient. He NEVER had an ounce of ANY of that towards me.

No matter what I did, it was never enough. I wasn’t patient, mature, intelligent or humble enough to deserve any measure of respect from him. I’m done trying to understand and I’m done being the only one showing compassion.

@ekt228 1 month ago

“I was harmed so I get to harm others” is what many abusive parents act like. Mine included. They would probably deny it, but their behaviour and refusal to change or get help says it all.

@bropoke6799 1 month ago

Sure, my parents used to be kids too. Except that was over 25 years before I was born. They had over 25 years to deal with their own issues before they brought me into the world and handed me all their baggage. They've had another 20+ years of me being alive to deal with their issues and they never will.
Why does anybody think infantilizing adults and parentifying children is a good solution? It's just more emotional abuse

@YolandaRivas-y8n 1 month ago

My mother was wreckless and inexcusable and my father was passive. She lived to 99.5 years, 20 years beyond my dad. She was unapologetic and I got to a point when I knew discussing her behavior was beyond her desire or capabilities, but I never cut her off because I knew it would not heal me but cement the hole. I have to fill the hole myself. I did reduce contact because her words would still hurt, but I also looked past the errant daggers because I knew I was better than that and it wouldn't go on forever. I spent the last couple of months of her life taking care of her and I know she loved and appreciated me. That time with her and being able to take care of her at her most vulnerable is what has brought me peace. I still think about and acknowledge the hurt but I wouldn't trade it for the peace I feel now.