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When Parents Don't Show Curiosity About Your Life

Whitney Goodman, LMFT at Calling Home

60,296 views

Do your parents express curiosity about your life? This was the subject of one of Whitney’s most viral TikTok videos. 2,000 comments later, it’s clear how widespread the pain of answering that question can be. Whitney cracks open what the research says about being known versus taken care of and what families who get this right are doing differently.

Whitney Goodman is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT) and the founder of Calling Home, a membership community that helps people navigate complex family dynamics and break harmful cycles.

Have a question for Whitney? Send a voice memo or email to whitney@callinghome.co

Join the Family Cyclebreakers Club: https://callinghome.co
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Order Whitney's book, Toxic Positivity: https://sitwithwhit.com/toxic-positivity

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This podcast is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional mental health advice.

20 Comments

@SusanaXpeace2u 4 months ago

My parents never ask me meaningful questions no. What I think, fear, feel, value........ nope. Zero curiosity. They just want me to perform warmth.

@smustipher 4 months ago

It dawned on me in my early 30s that my "comversations" with my father - going back as long as I remember - consisted of me listening to him talk about his work, finances, love life, and good of a father he was. After an hour or so I would attempt to share what was going on in my life...and then he "had another call coming in"...or "needed a nap". I am nearly 50 and he doesn't know what I studied in college, what I do for work, or my address.

@lapetitemaisonsurleroc 3 months ago

Talking AT you versus WITH you

@ShallBePurified 4 months ago

My parents were so emotionally unavailable that I ended up never talking to them about anything important. And I don't care to. They will never change.

@Skyemou5 4 months ago

holy shit… I thought I was crazy that I was so fucking hurt and angry that none of my family were curious at all about me

@alexxx4434 4 months ago (edited)

Anything shared was used as bullets by the mother in conflicts.

@gking407 4 months ago

This feels so bizarre, having my inner feelings mirrored by other people after 50 years of going it alone.

@sherriann674 4 months ago

Wow. I felt so alone in this. I had no idea it was such a common experience.

@Mdem777 4 months ago

Anyone who doesn’t show curiosity about your life is not your friend.

@stella6516 4 months ago

I've really noticed this lately. It's bizarre. My family has zero interest in me. Thankfully, I don't really care at this point.

@user-dm6jy5jr9o 4 months ago (edited)

The last zoom call my sisters and I had with my dad, I timed how long it took before he asked a single question about any of us. One hour and 38 minutes. Monologuing about his own life and how successful he was for one hour and 38 minutes. Then he notices the youngest is in front of a different background than normal. “What room are you in?” She had moved to a completely different country 5 months prior. He had no idea. Because he was not curious.

@steelstrings4 4 months ago

When I was growing up, my mom showed curiosity in my friends’ lives, never mine.

@PurpleTheoryGrl 4 months ago

The problem is that curiosity leads to understanding. These parents will remain judgmental and still have opinions about you that are false. Moreover, they will come up with bad advice as it's not tailored to you since they don't know about your situation. They know of a similar situation that they've heard about or lived through, but they still don't adapt their comprehension to another person. Asking questions would remove all those biases and ensure genuine connections.

@Lol.Lmao1000 4 months ago

This also makes me realize my best friend genuinely does not ask questions about me.

I need better friends.

@alwaysyouramanda 4 months ago

My dad never ever cared. But realizing my mom didn’t either-? It took so long, but the signs were always there.

@unikornkontroller 4 months ago

There's a reason boomers were originally called the "me" generation.

@AP-bi9qu 4 months ago

What about when you have that type of parent and then a sibling who invalidates your feelings and dismisses your struggles. Double whammy.

@Kissclown 4 months ago

This is what happens when people have kids bc they “just should”. Because they’re “supposed to”, they end up realizing this isn’t what they wanted at all and would rather go back to pretending they don’t have kids again.

@virtualemdr 4 months ago

Families who get this right tend to create space for individuality, emotional safety, and mutual curiosity. They don’t just manage or correct their children, they try to know them.
For anyone grieving that absence, your pain makes sense. Wanting to be seen, understood, and emotionally known is not asking for too much.

@One-o-clock-pm 4 months ago

This is my experience as well and I thought I was the only one. I get tired of being talked at and hearing their stories when they have no desire to hear me speak. It’s sad to feel unheard.