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What to Say When Someone Asks About Your ESTRANGED Family

A Dash of Therapy

59,055 views

What to say when people ask about your estranged family can be difficult for many people who are estranged. Even more so when an innocent question about your parents, children, holidays, or family life suddenly brings grief, anxiety, or discomfort to the surface.

For many people living with family estrangement, these ordinary questions can trigger anxiety, shame, grief, and panic. We'll explore why talking about estrangement can feel so difficult, why so many people hide the truth, and how to respond in a way that protects your privacy and emotional well-being.

Whether you are estranged from a parent, adult child, sibling, or your wider family, you are not alone. Family estrangement is more common than many people realize, yet there is still very little social understanding of what it is like to live with.

You’ll learn:
✨ Why questions about family can feel so challenging to respond to
✨ Why shame is such a common part of family estrangement
✨ What to say when people ask about your family
✨ How to respond to questions about Christmas, Mother’s Day and family events
✨ Why you do not owe anyone the full story of your family life
✨ How to set clear, compassionate boundaries without feeling guilty

Whether you are an estranged adult child, an estranged parent, experiencing sibling estrangement, or supporting someone living with family cutoff, I hope this video helps you feel understood and a little less alone.

💬 I’d love to hear from you:
What is the hardest question you have been asked about your estranged family?

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⚠️ DISCLAIMER ⚠️

This content is for general educational and informational purposes. It reflects my professional perspective, clinical experience, and interpretation of the available research; it should not be treated as universal or definitive, and it may not apply to your circumstances.

It is not individual psychological, medical, therapeutic, or legal advice, diagnosis, treatment, or crisis support. Viewing or interacting with this content does not create a professional relationship. Psychological concepts are discussed for education only and should not be used to diagnose yourself or others. Clinical examples are composites or substantially altered to protect confidentiality.

Do not rely on this content alone when making decisions about your health, treatment, or relationships; seek suitably qualified support for your circumstances.

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20 Comments

@Ripley917 1 month ago

Many years ago I walked away from my parents and 13 siblings...a den of narcissists. After being questioned about this by a medical professional, I told her that they were alcoholics, drug abusers and that they were emotionally and physically abusive toward me. Her response..."can't you even maintain minimal contact with them?" She was implying that I should just overlook their aberrant behavior and hang out with them anyway. She insinuated that staying connected to them would be healthier for me than meeting my own needs and being my own best friend. That's when I began to question the sanity of all the people I've met who have not approved of my decision to stay away from toxic family members. I now tell people that I'm an only child and my parents are deceased.

@poppyalameda9968 1 month ago (edited)

I have been estranged from my abusive family of origin for almost 40 years. When people ask about my family, I've learned to simply say, "We're not close." I don't give people any more information because nothing else has worked.

@surelynot11 1 month ago

The people who seek therapy are usually the hurt ones not the abusive person. You also can get stigmatised for that quite often.

@Lyrielonwind 1 month ago

Finally a video about this topic. I refused to lie about my estragement from my family and my honesty hasn't been well received.
Twice I have been inside an ambulance and they ask about your family to call them and they ask me why while I see they are blaming me without knowing anything.
If that happens again I guess I should say I have no family at all.

@the_phuckery_is_real7252 1 month ago

I don't feel the need to hide it, nor lie about it. It isn't shameful to keep toxic people out of my life. If someone asks and they don't like what i have to say I just remind them how fortunate it is to have the kind of family you can't imagine having to cut out of their lives. I didn't care about social acceptance. What other people think of me is not my problem.

@sarah.j.777 1 month ago

I just tell people there a lot of major issues in my family (aka a lot of f'd up individuals) and that eventually I distanced myself from it. they usually shutup at that point but if they comment something like "well but they're still family, you can't just write them off" I realize I have a weird abuser or enabler standing in front of me and I make a point to avoid them going forward.

@bonniephelps9481 1 month ago

When you mentioned the fact that there are no greeting cards for estrangement’s. That hit me hard, you are so right.

@CircaBEFORE 1 month ago

Oh it’s not hard, I just tell them my mother was an abusive, neglectful, controlling, violent narcissist and they get it. It’s pretty easy for most humans to get it too. If you’re estranged, never be embarrassed about what your abuser did to you. You are a survivor.

@FrancesHart99 1 month ago

Some people enjoy rubbing in shame. If you’ve had to escape an abusive family that loves to scapegoat you, the shame belongs with them, not you. Bullies come in gangs. Find family with trusted friends. Meditate. Work hard to be independently successful.

@caroljohnson3313 1 month ago

I don't feel one ounce of shame, only a load of relief!!!

@nwr7932 1 month ago

I had a person in my life that would always ask me about the shameful feeling things in my life, she’d ask over and over because I never knew how to put up a boundary. Now I know. And that person only wanted to fill her cup full of smug, she wasn’t kind.

@CJ-jq4lv 1 month ago

No shame here AT ALL, just needed an answer to shut down nosey busy bodies. I found it in the comment section. I am going to just say:
"I am spending my holidays etc with loved ones." even if that means im alone or with my dog!🙂💖

@RealWorldReport 1 month ago

The only thing I'm ashamed of is that people know I'm related to them (family).

@georgiapeach1327 1 month ago

I find 80 % people really don’t care and the other 20 % enjoy your problems. Further listening ears can be running mouth. Truly, it is no one business and I treat it as such. I agree it is very painful I have decided to give myself permission to simply say. Thanks so much for asking with a smile force ( perhaps) and continue with that is a very personal question and I prefer to remain private on personal matters.

@TrueJaneNew 1 month ago (edited)

I'm careful who I tell, but I've found there are many people with estranged siblings, parents, and/or children. It's far more common than we realise.

My theory is that the people who say, "Family is everything" are the ones who benefit from it. In other words, narcissists and other dark triad personalitie. Shared genetics is an accident, not an excuse.

I have slowly built my true family. I'm now an honorary mad aunt and sister to a small group of genuine friends.

@justsuzie.v 1 month ago

No one ever asks me about my estranged family? So I’m guessing their smear campaign worked, again. I cut them all off over four years ago, I won’t bore you with details, but as soon as I’d decided to walk away from scapegoating, I was relieved. I’ve never slagged them off to anyone, not a soul. But they know what they’ve done, my conscious is clear. I’ve literally got no one now, but it’s better than feeling like crap for no reason. ❤

@penapravoce494 1 month ago

I just say " we don't really have a relationship" and people immediately change the subject. I speak with no sadness or anger, just factually. Most people try to make ME feel better. Remember, YOU set the tone and make them follow your lead.

@surelynot11 1 month ago (edited)

I hate I MUST fix it as life is short. They also have no idea why our relationship with my sister and I is broken. It's not something I did anyway, but that shames me so badly as if its UP to ME to change it. It's such an emotive topic and is by far the ONE thing people dont talk about it at all and it is so badly incorrectly judged. On the other hand you dont expect a family person to ever betray you!! So I carry the hurt the grief, the loss and the shame as if its my fault. Its a really tough lonely place to be. Reminders of family support and togetherness are at every stop street in life. Its overwhelmingly painful.

@ScogginsAdel-x5z 1 month ago

Or alternatively you ignore the question. Happiest and most liberating day of my life was telling 4 siblings and mom ‘I’m cutting family ties with you. Please respect that.’ It only took me 56 years.