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How to Know If You Dated a Predator - Peter Salerno & Deb Lieberman

Brad Carr

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00:00 In This Episode
00:29 Introducing
00:41 How to Reflect on Relationships
03:01 Intrusive Thoughts and Traumatic Relationships
05:00 The Confusion of Interpreting Manipulation
06:34 Categorizing Dangerous Behavior
-Previous interview with Peter: How to Identify a Social Predator (The 4 P...
07:00 The Precursor to Healthy Emotional Processing
10:28 Evolution and the Superstimulus of Love Bombing
13:21 The Value of Self-Love
-Interview with Harry Reis: How to Spot Sincere Love Vs. Dark Manipula...
15:04 How Manipulation Damages the Brain
17:39 Successful People Can Be Targeted
19:40 Intelligent People Can Be Manipulated
21:37 Evolution and the Opportunities for Manipulation
22:35 Traits of People Who Are Targeted
-Women Who Love Psychopaths: How Human Predators Hunt Vulnerable Women ...
25:37 Agreeableness and Valuing Others
30:03 Know You're Traits. Don't Pathologize Them.
31:05 People Who Do Not Value Others
32:59 The Goal: Recovering from Reality Distortion
35:55 Introducing the Triangle Tool
39:26 Triangle: Impression, Behavior, and Explanation
43:09 The Weight of Confusion and Cognitive Dissonance
44:28 How to Evaluate the Behavior of Others
48:10 Graphic: Heider's Balance Theory (Social Psychology)
48:58 Recognizing Diagnostic Behavior
53:59 High and Low Diagnostic Behavior
56:48 Deciding Whom to Trust
1:00:46 Deeper Explanation of the Triangle Tool
1:08:49 Role-Playing the Triangle Tool
1:14:48 Evaluating the Triangle Tool
1:18:12 Recognizing Intentional Harm
1:19:32 Repaired Relationships Vs. Partial Repair
1:20:46 Evolutionary Perspective On Investment In Relationship
1:23:44 Refining the Understanding of Doubt
1:25:20 Doubt Doesn't Mean You're Wrong
1:27:24 find Deb Lieberman & Peter Salerno online
1:28:18 Peter's Lessons from Doing the Workbook
1:30:12 Deb's Lessons from Doing the Workbook
1:32:23 Good Relationships Are Possible!
1:33:46 Further Recommendations
-Previous interview with Peter & Deb: What Really Causes Dark Triad Behavior? Th...

RESOURCES
Previous interview with Peter & Deb: What Really Causes Dark Triad Behavior? Th...
Previous interview with Peter: How to Identify a Social Predator (The 4 P...
Interview with Harry Reis: How to Spot Sincere Love Vs. Dark Manipula...
Peter and Deb's book: https://amzn.to/3SNwIZP
Peter Salerno's website: https://www.drpetersalerno.com/
Peter on YouTube: ‪@DrPeterSalerno‬
Deb's lab: https://liebermanlabs.com
Deb's business: https://rdqnlabs.com
Brad's microphone: https://amzn.to/4jVOjqq
🔔 SUBSCRIBE to help get more guests on the show: https://goo.gl/uEAeNp

In this episode, Dr. Debra Lieberman and Dr. Peter Salerno discuss how to rebuild self-trust after suffering from covert relational abuse.

Predatory Relationships: How To Spot Them - Peter Salerno & Deb Lieberman
How to Know If You Dated a Predator - Peter Salerno & Deb Lieberman
How to Know If He's a Social Predator (1)
How to Be Sure You're Dealing with a Predator (2)
How Narcissists Confuse Their Targets (3)

The Most Logical Way to Identify Social Predators
The Most Rational Way to Spot Toxic People
The Rational Way to Get Over Your Narcissistic Ex
The Psychological Tactics of Social Predators
How Social Predators Confuse Everyone
How to Overcome Cognitive Dissonance
The Framework to Identify a Social Predator
The Scientific Way to Identify Social Predators
The Logical Way to Identify Social Predators

Don't Blame Yourself
They Confuse You On Purpose

20 Comments

@BradCarr_ Creator 6 hours ago Pinned

Dr. Debra Lieberman and Dr. Peter Salerno discuss how to rebuild self-trust after suffering from covert relational abuse. Their workbook is linked in the description and here - https://amzn.to/3SNwIZP

@totallyrealperson-1 9 hours ago

I met the predator at 21, and I just got rid of her at 35. These people are extremely dangerous.

@mummazlegend 12 hours ago

When you've been brought up surrounded by these things, you think it is normal and you are the defective one. My mother destroyed my self esteem, so I thought it was always my fault.

@persiamotorman 12 hours ago

"Poison has already been injected into your system" I haven't heard a better description of the process yet. Plus they have a lot of gravity and once you get in their orbit, getting out is far more difficult.

@gamelion3657 11 hours ago

I have all of Dr Salerno’s books, including the workbook. Highly recommend all of them.

@sbdsinc8366 11 hours ago (edited)

Peter’s comment… they can wish you a happy birthday and then commit murder. That line boils it all down perfectly.

For me it was he did all of these wonderful things, gave me amazing presents, was funny and fun to be with, made me feel special and seen yet he poisoned me. WTF!!

If someone does nice things but has the capacity to do pathological things, they are not nice.

@camy2121 10 hours ago

My ex met me at 20 and told me, It’s us against the world” he is a dangerous predator and most have no idea. They are very sick people.

@BunnySnuggle27 13 hours ago

Once you have experienced and understand "the con" or "the game", you're a step ahead and will recognize when it's being used on you again and can avoid it.

@SB_McCollum 10 hours ago

I've been thrashing thru this forever and somebody is finally bringing a cognitive framework and Permission to factor in the data, not just reframing and coping harder. I've done decades and decades of cope, it doesn't repair relationships and it eats up your life!

@iako... 7 hours ago

Love bomb example was amazing. And that's right, it ruins that thermostart completely.

@meowtattoo4930 8 hours ago

Narcissists feign loyalty, but what they really mean is loyalty to the game of gain. You become their prop.

@ThirteenthDawn 11 hours ago

Thank you, Dr. Salerno, for not pathologizing empathy. ❤

Some people on YouTube talk about “50/50 responsibility” in abuse, and I think we need to be very careful about what that actually means. If an abuser is held responsible for the abuse and the abused person is supposedly equally responsible for it, where does that logic lead? If the abuser were sent to jail for the abuse, would we then say the abused person should share the same responsibility for the crime? Of course not. The absurdity of that conclusion shows why responsibility for healing cannot be confused with responsibility for the abuse.

Once we recognize how we have been manipulated, we absolutely can—and should—take responsibility for our healing, our boundaries, and the choices we make going forward. But that does not mean we were equally responsible for someone else's decision to manipulate and abuse us.

And saying that the abuser and the abused are “two sides of the same coin,” as some therapists do, can itself become a form of violence toward survivors. Abuse can be gradual, insidious, and deeply manipulative. Empathy, trust, attachment, and even our own desire to make things work can be exploited before we fully understand what is happening.

We can take responsibility for our healing without taking responsibility for someone else's abuse of us. Those are two very different things.

@CL-lo4wd 10 hours ago

Thank you, Brad, for having Dr. Salerno and Dr. Lieberman back! I loved their book, it is so necessary.

@HopeOkon-g4j 1 hour ago

W video. My relationship of 3 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love him so much I can’t stop thinking about him, I’ve tried my very best to get him back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of him, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss him and just can’t stop thinking about him

@yanitam1297 11 hours ago

26 years experiencing all these purposeful tactics, traits and behaviors from my ex truly has been the hardest, challenging situation to come away from this year. Knowing that all the confusion was deliberate right at the start.
this inability to resolve a situation or disconnect from the pattern while then forced me towards a journey to solve it only ending with more confusion rather than resolve is where I've been most damaged by it all.
All the childhood wounds and insecure attachment will never amount in quite the same way as the impact of this relationship has affected my life now.

your content in all my years trying to figure out what the heck has just happened to me; and is the only information I have come across (to date) that clearly defines everything I've gone through. This content is saving lives!

@meowtattoo4930 9 hours ago

Narcissists are always looking for a better deal. They are con artists. They work the groups.

@meowtattoo4930 9 hours ago

Narcissists have lots of props. Their status is paramount.

@TSSeymour 6 hours ago

I run around thinking people will screw me over in some way….im very skeptical….oh boy….i keep myself safe knowing my past!

@carvercapitalequitypartner122 4 hours ago (edited)

The bad actors become more skilled at bad acts by practice and repetition. From experience they learn the best ways to do the bad acts to avoid detection and "get away with it" (eg. time of day), and if confronted by a victim they have learned the best responses, which may negate responsibility, create doubt, create ambiguity, or "explain" their actions. While they are more experienced, their victims are less experienced in the situation, and it may be their first time. Many victims will refrain from confrontation and conflict. Some victims fear being out-debated of they do confront. Many bad acts will seem smaller over time.

@CL-lo4wd 9 hours ago

I particularly found the high and low diagnostic examples to be so, so helpful. This book has brought me more awareness than many years of therapy trying to sort out what happened to me during my marriage. Thank you!