Trans people, for our whole lives pre transition, don't take up space in many areas in our life. Wether that be because of crippling disphoria making it hard to feel fully present in a lot of our gendered activities or feeling the shame of being different than others, there are so many reasons we make ourselves little. After we transition though I feel like we're making up for lost time and especially space. I think you're kinda going through the same thing I'm going through, where I want people to know I am there, to feel like because I've transitioned and 'become a different person' I should also not feel little or invisible anymore. You aren't crazy, and you are very brave. Everytime I see your videos I smile because you are so candid and I love seeing you share the little and big moments, especially the nails video from a couple days ago that was awesome !! Keep up the great work Chloe and we all see and believe in u u got this girrllll :))

I think I had withdrawn so much from my friends pre-transition, that yeah, I was kinda a ghost. Now I've been meaning to reconnect more, but I've been really busy between work and providing housing for a couple younger trans girls that fled red states and were on the brink of homelessness. (Btw, if you have the space/resources, I'd totally recommend doing the same, they have destroyed all my internalized transphobia. Like, them and their friends hadn't been able to access HRT, don't have money for new wardrobes, etc., and yet, I have no problem seeing them as girls, which really helped me to see myself without judgement)

I'm a trans man, but I completely understand the whole feeling like s ghost thing. I've been in a dark spot lately and I've just wanted someone at all. My partner isn't even really close to me anymore. I feel so alone. None of my friends really ever respond to me at all anymore.
Edit: holy crap thank you for all the likes!

Please never apologize for telling your story, its proof that you are here, that you are not a ghost no matter how the indifferent may treat you. You are lovely, you deserve to feel seen and adored.

I personally needed to hear this story. I wish I could say more, I just can't find the words to articulate how what you've expressed made me feel. Thank you Chloe.

You need a non cishet social circle. Opening yourself up to cishets will, at best, get indifference, and at worst, pain and suffering. You need T4T friends, people who understand the struggles that you go through every day. To live in the joy you feel. It's an amazing feeling to have people who understand you on a level that cishets can't.

I completely get that idea of haunting the world. I often feel like my life is already over in some sense. That despite still moving, taking up space, and consuming resources, I am essentially dead. I think, for me at least, it stems from being so disconnected from the rest of the world, and having nothing really substancial going on in my life. I see people I was friends with being successful and chasing their dreams while I'm still poor and have no real goals. I see others in my own household like my nephew getting more money and social life than me. Some people that were a significant part of my social structure like my brother seem to have moved on to spending time with other people. He's still in my life but we never really talk or do anything together. There's this one place I go to be social and play games and that was helping but lately things have been less consistent with that. Other people aren't showing up, things are getting in the way or they're closed often, or I'm unable to go for one reason or another. I think it's picking back up now but I worry it won't stick.
I don't know if I'm trans or not. I considered the possibility a while back but haven't been able to explore it and find out for sure. But regardless, I understand how you feel about being a living ghost and haunting the world.

As a heterosexual aromantic man, I find it really interesting what life is like for trans people. I can understand the feeling of being a „ghost“ to others especially your „friends“. Great video

I relate to this, although not to the same extent. When you say cis people don’t really care, that resonated with me. Even if they’re accepting, most of them just don’t see the beauty in it. I’m always open to answer questions about being trans to my friends and family (even potentially stupid questions), but they just don’t really ask them that much? Even though I’m certain that they must have some or might not get something. I think a lot of them are scared to engage with it because they don’t understand, but that just makes it lonely. I do have one guy friend who is so accepting and encouraging who I love, but those seem to be the exception. Many people don’t know how to “act” around trans people. They just kinda continue to treat them as pre-transiton but without explicitly misgendering them. Men are particularly bad in this respect.

I've started transitioning later in life, I'm 30 now and only just started HRT last year. I'm impressed you remained friends with people you don't have much in common with, for me I dropped them a long time ago even if I didn't know I was trans I still knew that I didn't vibe with them and often they made me uncomfortable even. More to the point of what you're saying though, I do think once I'm further along in my transition the people who do know me now have a choice to make. I don't worry about people questioning me or being weird about things while I'm still transitioning hell sometimes I look in the mirror and I think I look weird and funny sometimes. It's awkward, and I'm embracing that, and I don't give a fuck. But I know deep down at some point I'm not going to be in this weird awkward only five months in phase, and if people disrespect me then I won't have any more space for them in my life.

3:30 He doesn't sound like a good friend

Yes! I feel the exact same way. I am still relatively boymoding but I so very desperately want to go all out. But even in boymoding I try to put makeup on, wear more feminine cut clothing etc. I do just want to feel seen in the way that people see and appreciate cis women for their beauty. Sometimes I feel ashamed to go more feminine, but the personal euphoria makes it so worth it, and I hope that the euphoria that will come will eventually make me leave my shell. But I do really really get the pain, and sometimes the pain feels like it never ends. But I love you all my girlies, and seeing my experiences reflected in all yours makes the pain feel a lot better.

As an NB person who is in my mid 30s, I definitely feel you on feeling invisible within your own group of friends as well. Honestly for the last few years it kinda just stung and I got so used to it and slowly felt like I've melted away into nothingness. It really sucks that your moment was kinda stolen from you (also it's 100000% valid to be petty to transphobes, just saying), though at the very least there is that kinda comfort of "well hey, at least the rest weren't assholes about it" like you said. But it is a strangely empty feeling. Anyways, you're not crazy for feeling this. I think deep down, a lot of us feel it at times.

Your story reminds me of a couple of months ago when I had my summer break, when I was in my local city walking alone. Walking in it's own right feels good but I felt really nothing and that I was lacking. And so this emboldened me to go walk through the local fire department like that. Not speak to anyone yet not sneak in. Just walking in the middle of everything. And after admiring the view they had up there, I left, satisfied knowing that I was right, in knowing that nobody would have cared.

Pepe Bradock - Ghost
House track exemplifying what I felt that day, apathetically alone. Like a ghost who might as well just observe

youre totally right cis people feel a bit distant compared to other trans women being trans is such a unique experience its hard for cis people to empthaize and support you like how other trans people do

Hey Miss Chloe! first off you're not crazy, and I am sure that you looked stunning.
The desire the glow up and the complicated often petty or even selfish reasons for doing is I think a universal experience to some degree. The fact your friends did little to acknowledge it sucks. Everyone deserves to be acknowledged. Every girl needs a girls girl to be there and uplift them when no one else does. See the effort she put in when it goes unnoticed. Find a person that will do that for you, and be that person for those around you. I have spent too long trying to verbalize my complex feelings about this topic. How complex having cis friends can be. How womanhood as a whole is just so complex. But at the end of the day I think that simple concept is the most important thing I want to get across.

we get each other ~ and I feel same same way. I haven't come out to anyone cuz im scared but yeah I still get alien vibes even as a dude but I don't get the euphoria of being a girl. I understand the general feeling of being alone while being talkive. Not ostracized yet just surfing the waves of a deep ocean that no one knows. I feel this a lot ~ a Transfem Agender catgirl

you are not a ghost, you exist, you are a person who has all the rights to live and to be yourself, never forget that

i've felt that exact same thing you describe - we just want some fucking acknowledgement. we put up with so much shit day after day, and still try to show up for ourselves the best we can. and it's so fucking hard. it's brave. the least people could do is see us, see the struggle. i've been invisible my whole life, but this sort of disregard? it hits deeper.

I think I feel you. When I came out there were spaces and people that rejected me and didnt tolerate me whatsoever whether outwardly or just obviously enough to get their point across. Then there were friendly spaces where it was clear I was welcome, but it wasn't clear I was loved and that was a weird feeling. I, and even others, would try to chalk it up as an insecurity with transitioning initially, but it was so hard to watch all my friends compliment eachother, support eachother, in those little touching ways that I remember being directed at me once upon a time and then suddenly not at all. And not even maliciously, it's like Im a taboo subject that nobody wants to broach.

I can't relate as a pan dude but you are valid and you are not a ghost. You go girl!