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The "Foot Soldiers" of Narcissistic Families: Why Your Growth is a Threat

Blake Anderson, RSW

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Why does your personal growth feel like a "betrayal" to your family?

In this video, Blake Anderson, a Registered Social Worker and therapist in Toronto, dives deep into the family as an emotional system. He explains why rigid family structures—often led by narcissistic or emotionally immature parents—prioritize "equilibrium" and conformity over authentic connection.

When you begin to individuate (become your own person), the system reacts. Blake breaks down the "Foot Soldiers" or sibling enforcers who are fused with the parent to maintain the status quo. You'll learn about:

Pseudo-Hostility: Why families bicker over the surface but never address the core.

The "Special Event" Reveal: Why weddings and births often trigger a parent's need for control.

DARVO & Smear Campaigns: How truth-telling is weaponized against the scapegoat.

Sovereignty: How to move from being a "part of the machine" to a self-differentiated individual.

🛠 Resources for Your Journey
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This video shares my professional reasoning and insights for educational purposes only and does not constitute personalized therapy advice. For guidance tailored to your individual circumstances, please consult a licensed therapist or qualified professional.

P.S. Please share your thoughts in the comments below—I value your feedback!

#NarcissisticAbuseRecovery #ScapegoatHealing #TorontoTherapy #FamilyDynamicsSupport #EmotionalResilience

⏳ Timestamps
00:00 Family as System
01:30 Roles and Rigidity
03:42 Foot Soldiers and Enforcers
05:53 Reveals and DARVO
09:50 Resources and Assessment
12:23 Special Occasion Example
15:20 Truth Teller Burden
19:39 Order Versus Chaos
24:09 Consequences of Defiance
25:42 Sovereign Scapegoat GPT
27:39 Wrap Up and Healing

19 Comments

@IntuitiveByDefault777 4 months ago

The scapegoat cannot unsee the dysfunction of the family system once they consciously exit and get on the path of individuation. Very painful process which can take years and lots of trials errors.

@marcberthelette831 4 months ago

So thankful for your site 👍❤

@SaltySly 2 months ago

This is exactly the way my family dynamic was.....and how I had to survive within it !

@tsaheylu2u 4 months ago

Our growth is a threat to their own mediocrity.

@alexlangan4843 3 months ago

I was in prison when my sister got married to her fiance. He seems to dislike me through and through. I was in jail when my father passed away, he was a malign narcissist. Nobody else in the family acknowledges this about him. My mom wants me to spend time with my sister and her husband, they talk over me and act like I'm invisible. My brother in law flirts with my mom and it's repulsive. I finally put my foot down and made clear to them that I'm not going into those situations with them any more. Thank you for this psychology diagnostic. 👍

@arisalphas274 4 months ago

My sister is the eldest of 4 siblings and parentified golden child. At age 14 she became type 1 diabetic. I sometimes wondered if this could have come about as a result of emotional/narcissistic trauma. A doctor friend with over 50 years professional experience, without prompting from me, confirmed my suspicion was certainly possible. To this day, at age 66, my sister is still emotionally enmeshed and overfunctioning. I, the youngest sibling/son/scapegoat will be burning the ships and the bridges to a cinder, in 3 weeks when I walk out on my narcissist/devouring mother ( now Alzheimers demented and needing 24/7 care ). It's a question of soul survival. Thanks ❤ for The Ascent Toolkit, it's been a great help. 🎉

@Naomi_Bloom7 1 month ago

Wow, this just made me realized that I individuated! 😮 wow! 🤩 God did it! He truly is a miracle making God! 🥹✨ thank you Jesus for making me complete in you 🙏🙏🙏 “I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.” (John 15:5)
Amen 🙏

@Katlynn2 2 months ago

This resonates like a bell 🛎️ Could not be any more accurate of my life. What a sad thing though being around people who will go to such extremes to inhabit one’s growth…out of pettiness and their insecurities. I feel like my life has been stolen. I want it back.

@stellar52 2 months ago

I'm the oldest of four and the scapegoat. My parents both have NPD, but various types. My younger brother is diagnosed with NPD, my golden child sister DEFINITELY has NPD and my half-sister who's 12 years younger than me behaves quote narcissistic. I'm autistic and for various reasons, was never able to set boundaries, but I questioned my mother's behaviours- rarely, though, because I didn’t dare to. I'm sure I'm the scapegoat because of these reasosns- I was and am a loner, shy and quiet, isolated in this family, my parent and siblings are VERY different from me, total opposites. I was just diagnosed with AD(and H)D, autistic and with cptsd.

@MariaBM1 1 month ago

Boy do I know about the foot soldiers! 🙄 I now have a legal representative to deal with family matters on my behalf and that is the only thing that has stopped the attacks and the dramas. It's been life changing. It's something I can recommend to others.

@Ascension123-p9c 1 month ago

You are brilliant AF. ❤

@francesbernard2445 4 months ago (edited)

I like that phrase "foot soldiers" when it comes to communal narcissistic family systems. That phrase makes way more sense because it is less polarized in tone than using the phrases woke culture or cancel culture to describe what it is like when growing up amongst that polarized thinking which prefers to regard anyone who is refusing to think that way as being crazy when able to hold two concepts in their mind about the same topic in their head at the same time in contrast to them. Those foot soldiers could be for example enforcing a value like what Dr. Ramani called toxic positivity. When a person has a much older half sibling who continues to feel loyal to the man who fathered her who is a man not blood related to their child's male half sibling nor did they ever really get to know that being scapegoated child and when there is at the time another step parent who is a female one involved in the person's life when they are being scapegoated that kind of situation would be way too much for anyone to cope with on their own.

@KatI422-r3m 13 days ago (edited)

Came to a head after the time came to exit that system. Had to call the police on the GC sibling and a lesser foot soldier who decided to show up at my and my husband doorstep in an attempt to harass, bully and intimidate me to get back in place within the toxic family structure. Ended up getting a Restraining Order against him. Been years now of my absolute permanent No Contact.

@user-zy8gk2nn7d 4 months ago

they are concious - thye know what is right and wrong

@ocean7884 2 months ago

My eyes are open and I've been kicked out of the nuclear family. They will stay rigid, my growth is big

@LOVEJITV 3 months ago

2:30 I think what you’re describing about having to mask might be getting people confused about if they’re autistic or not. I’ve seen a lot of videos title “gifted or autistic” and this might go with growing up in a narc family while being “gifted”. Maybe your thoughts on that. Also, I’ll have to scroll through, but have you given your thoughts on being groomed by a narc parent to be married to another narc. I’m a female raised by a male and this is what I have discovered at age 40.

@Et-dl3qu 2 months ago

I don't get why my family is loving and perfect on every Christmas days. It's what I always dreamed of as a kid. I love that day. I chose to only think of those days unless something triggers the memories.

Every other day I am told my voice is too irritating and loud so I have to be quiet and my family members insult me. Often I end up leaving.
I have never seen my other relatives since my family tells me it's hell to speak with me (but I am bad if I don't join.)

My siblings bullied me so bad as a kid that I tried to kill myself since I was 10. I have 10 scars in my left wrist from it which everyone else see immediately. I used to press my nail to the open cuts at the dinner table when hearing the insults. When my family insult me I always feel just like that and hate myself and wish to die for weeks after it.
They keep me depressed.

My mom died so I told my dad finally that I won't be the space goat again. My self confidence can't take the family gatherings and insults anymore.
I need peace. They can have their childish drama if they want.
He realised that he wanted peace also. We became friends. I will see my bullies briefly. They stopped the insults but have nothing to say anymore. Nobody laughs anymore or seem happy for not being allowed to mock me at the dinner table.

I always asked help from my mom. I thought she told my dad everything. It sounded like she told small part so I didn't bring up the suicide attempts. My mom told me not to speak of my childhood and forgive and forget. I did but triggers bring them up.

@craiglist483 4 months ago

Hi Blake, I’m not sure if you’ve covered this somewhere along the way, but if not could you give a framework for healing if this is possible? I appreciate learning about this abuse but am not sure of what deficits I live with or how to see myself and heal from it. Thanks.

@johnrambo1227 3 months ago

The foot soldiers, end up crying in the corner,with the rest of the losers.
So busy focused on winners,life passes them by😊

The more i shine⭐️
, the more they face the mirror.

Jesus Saves 👍