One mistake I think people make while dating is rushing the sexual intimacy. It releases bonding chemicals too soon.

I am a very assertive person. I’ve taught teenagers and worked in high-powered positions. The worst part about being with my ex-fiancé is that I was effectively silenced. I learned that there was no way I could express any negative feedback without him verbally attacking me. I have never met anyone who always refuses to be accountable for their actions. And I hope never to meet one again.
All I could do was leave. Now recovering from the emotional whiplash.

Yes, sometimes the red flags are blatant and obvious but ignored because normal people don't think anyone would be that egregious.

I was taught all my life to “ give the benefit of the doubt” to others.  My grief  therapist  told me that I make excuses for others’ bad and harmful behaviors. Yes, I rationalized. Did that with  my parents as a child too.

„There are really bad people out there”: well said

“This is not somebody codependent or insecure choosing to stay in an abusive situation bc they don’t have the backbone to do anything different, this is a biochemical hijacking…the cost of leaving far outweighs the cost of staying” 🎯-Dr Salerno

My biggest difficulty in all of this has been that I considered the bad behaviors to be a bunch of individual, unrelated behaviors. I wished he acted better at holidays. I wished he was not so confrontational in his driving. I wished he listened more and didn’t talk on and on without including other people in the conversation; just a monologue. I could go on, but I did not realize  these were part of a pattern of high conflict personality disorder; in this case  grandiose narcissism.

Im  a 63yo woman from New Zealand, i cant tell you how grateful I am for the internet that could bring you to my home and explain the 12.5yr relationship Ive just left and made me feel insane.   Bad people with bad intent towards us walk among us. Period. Thank you

When the narcissist is devaluing you, you will notice they will grow distant, they'll stop engaging in conversation with you, even when you try to have a conversation with them like you normally would,. They'll shrug their shoulders, raise their eyebrows, and spread their arms open, palms u, like they have no idea what you mean. Continuing the devaluation process, they will get snarky with you, they'll start to treat you like you're stupid, they'll scoff at what you say when you ask what's wrong. They won't take anything you have to say seriously because they're no longer listening to you. And if they are listening to you, they will completely dismiss what you have to say in order to reply. They don't listen with the intent to understand what you're saying, because they don't care, they just want to reply and put you down. They will start mumbling about you undertheir breath, but just loud enough for you to hear what they're saying so that when you respond you will be accused of starting the argument that will definitely follow. They will make mountains out of molehills, and just generally act disgusted with your presence in their life. They will ignore you, they will go for days without speaking to you even if you live in the same house. They will brush past you like you're not even there. And when you have something to say they will act like it's a huge deal for them to respond and they will disagree with every single thing you have to say to them whether it's true or not. If you say the sky is blue they'll say it's black. If you say you feel like there's something wrong between the two of you, you will get that classic narcissistic pose of them raising their eyebrows and spreading their arms and say something to the effect of well you should know what's wrong you're here. What do you think is wrong? And whatever it is you say whether it's how you feel they're distancing themselves from you or they don't want to spend time with you anymore you'll get that classic narcissistic pose again and when you question that they will either just flat out ignore you or they will twist it around to where it is your fault that they're not speaking to you or that they're speaking of you in an inferior way. And they will make you feel inferior, you can't do anything right, you can't say anything right and you definitely cannot understand them the way they want you to understand them. You will catch them in a little lies, that will make you second guess yourself, and by the end, you'll be second-guessing everything you ever knew them to be, everything they've ever said to you, everything they did for you you won't be sure of anything. You will have changed so much of yourself to make them happy that you won't know who you are when you're left on your own and they still won't be happy they'll just want you to change more.

They'll start spending more time away from home, and when they get there they'll act like they want to be anywhere else but where they are. They'll stick their face in the TV and it will stay there and they will tune you out like you aren't even there. They'll ignore what you have to say any questions you have to ask will never get answered, and so you will be left to fill in the holes the best you can with what you're being given.

They will start calling you names, putting you down, treating you like you're a gnat that keeps flying in their face and they can't swat you away. You're a nuisance. A pest, and all they want to do is get rid of you

If you dare ask why they're treating you this way, they will turn it around on you and say that you've been treating them that way and they're just giving it back to you, even when they know they're the ones being mean and nasty and hateful to you. They can never be the guilty party, they must always play the victim and will announce it to the world how horribly you treated them. The thing they don't realize, in their infinite narcissistic wisdom, is that True victims don't generally announce to anyone that they are a victim. True victims are generally too ashamed and embarrssed to be a victim of anything or anyone. But the narcissist has to get on that smear campaign and beat you to the punch to safeguard that bullshit reputation that they conned everyone into believing. They don't tell people that they are a different person behind closed doors, only that you are a terrible horrible person and they just don't understand why youve become so awful towards them. This way they know that no one will believe you when you tell people how they treated you, and think you're crazy for leaving such a swell, upstand Ing guy like them.

Devaluation is the beginning of a confusing and detrimental nightmare, but is not as bad as the Discard phase that will soon follow.

And, of course, it's nothing they did to you. It's always twisted around to where nothing is their fault, and everything is laid on you.  Additionally,  If you need to find out about a Cheating Narcissist; send a request to: MetaspyHub@gmail. com

We dont think about people enjoying making the bad comments, cruel actions, harmful  decisions impacting your life.

What was helpful for me was also looking at "Who is benefitting from this positive event?" There were very few events, if any, that didn't also benefit my partner. If we went on a vacation, he was going too. When we went to a nice dinner or social gathering, he was being seen in public. Nice car, nice house, etc. If I wanted to do something that was related to self-care or just for me, there was so much pushback that I just stopped asking. He had all the time and money in the world for the things that he wanted to do. Just so imbalanced. After nearly two decades of marriage, I couldn't even identify what I liked, wanted or needed. His needs always came first, and keeping him happy and regulated was my entire life.

Absolutely my covert narcissist has drove me crazy over the years by keeping me confused and going into circles forever circles. Could not leave him because of my kids.

This has to be taught starting from a middle school. As a psychiatrist I am stunned with the current lack of education and skill honing to spot a predator. Yet, every single one of us has encountered a predator or a toxic personality. This is as important as introducing seat belts in cars. When it comes to understanding and identification of predatory behavior we are not where we should be as a society.

I’m from a family of 6 with the same set of parents. Can confirm temperament differences between us children from way back. Some crave more novelty, others not. Some take more risks, others don’t. Three had children, 3 did not. It’s obvious to people from big families that many traits are genetic and not environmental in origin.

I was a psych student of the 80’s. My mom was a product of WW2. We used to argue “environment vs genetics”. My mom won. It’s genetics. Empathy is a learned familial skill; without it no amount of “empathy therapy” will make up for that lack.

❤😭🙏 so much clarity here. God bless.

Yep. The first time I saw him be deliberately hurtful to me "because I hurt his feelings" (which really was only his misperception in the first place) I knew what that meant. I knew that I should walk away but it was the cognitive dissonance from how much that moment seemed so "out of character" it seemed... I talked myself into giving him the chance to "work on his issues". 10 months later, realizing that he was wrecking my nervous system and was definitely a cluster B personality.

Also, relocating you to another location far away from family, friends, familiar places.  And, then later tell you how much they hate that city and hate to visit.

Appreciate the messaging from Dr. Salerno- this is the first time I have heard an explanation that made sense to me as to why/how I was allowed myself to stay so long (over 20 years) Thank you for your research and dedication to this. This is valuable and important .