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Why Did They Cheat? 3 Hidden Causes of Infidelity (Expert Explained) | Affair Recovery

Normalize therapy.

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Why did they cheat — and why does betrayal happen even in good marriages?

In this episode, Caleb and Verlynda break down the real reasons people step outside the relationship — not to excuse the behavior, but to understand the vulnerabilities that make betrayal possible. They explain the difference between explaining a choice and excusing it, and why accountability is essential for healing.

You’ll learn how emotional disconnection, intimacy breakdown, personal history, mental health struggles, situational stress, and untreated compulsive patterns can create risk in a marriage. Caleb and Verlynda also challenge the idea of “once a cheater, always a cheater” and offer a grounded perspective on rebuilding trust and creating an affair-resistant relationship.

What you'll learn:

💔 Vulnerabilities that make betrayal more likely
🧭 Explaining vs. excusing harmful choices
🔥 Relational and individual risk factors
💬 Why responsibility creates safety
❤️‍🩹 How couples rebuild trust and connection

If you're trying to understand why this happened — and what healing can look like — then this episode is for you.

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EPISODE TIMESTAMPS:

00:00 - Intro
00:38 – The difference between explaining and excusing
01:30 – Why understanding the “why” matters for healing
02:25 – Emotional disconnection as an early vulnerability
03:42 – Intimacy breakdown and unmet needs
04:58 – How avoidance and conflict patterns increase risk
06:12 – Personal history and unresolved wounds
07:25 – Mental health factors that shape vulnerability
08:35 – Situational stress and life transitions
09:48 – When compulsive patterns play a role
10:55 – Accountability: What real responsibility looks like
12:05 – Why timing is critical in the healing process
13:12 – Addressing the pain before addressing the cause
14:18 – The myth of “once a cheater, always a cheater”
15:28 – What real repair and rebuilding trust require
16:45 – Creating an affair-resistant marriage moving forward
17:52 – Healthy transparency and consistent follow-through
18:40 – How couples can grow stronger after betrayal
19:35 – Hope for recovery and reconnection

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Connect with Us:

Website: https://therapevo.com?utm_source=yout...
Instagram: Instagram: therapevocounselling
Facebook: Facebook: therapevocounselling
YouTube: @normalize-therapy

20 Comments

@rhondayork-xl5gv 8 months ago

My marriage was not "distressed", my husband was "distressed". Its not the marriage, its the person who chooses to betray their partner & vows. My husband was weak and emotionally immature.

@ChrissieLatham-w2c 4 months ago

There is only one cause = SELFISH.

@pathologizethis 2 weeks ago

Sadly the most common truth is that most betrayals don’t need years of therapy to get to the root cause of why?.. 60% to 70% of betrayals stem from situational temptation, weak personal boundaries, compartmentalization, and momentary selfishness rather than deep psychological pathology or unprocessed trauma. You do not always need a massive root-cause analysis. Sometimes the diagnosis is flat: You broke an agreement because you lacked courage or discipline in a weak moment. That being said, the betrayed person refuses to believe it because they refuse to believe something so inane could blow up their whole lives, buts it’s the real truth.

@Rambling143 5 months ago

Marriage is never perfect and there will always be issues. There might be rare cases but most cheater never ask themselves why they cheated. They are more worried about how they got caught. Selfish decisions from the cheater, the cheating partner with ZERO morality.

@Beth-AnneLye 6 months ago

Do not all relationships have deep seasons of distress, many go through this painful season with out betrayal

@aimeeking9487 1 month ago

There is no good excuse for adultery or reason to betray and cheat on your spouse

@bryanstephens4800 1 month ago

I don’t belive that most cheaters actually want to change. They were willing to Do unbelievable damage to the person that they claim that they love. How anybody could do that damage to somebody that they claim that they would love is incomprehensible to most human beings. As a therapist I understand how that happens. It's because human beings are exceptionally good at lying to. The cheater has very often lied to themselves and given themselves reasons and excuses as to why it's OK.

That's if they love the person they're cheating on.

If they don't actually love the person they're cheating on and they have contempt for them. Then they just don't care about the damage they've done to the person. I think in the first case you might be able to get to reconciliation if that person is willing to fully acknowledge the lies that they told themselves.

In the second case their partner should run away from them as fast as they can because they are awful human being who only cares about their own self-satisfaction does not care about how much damage they do to somebody else they've pretended to love.

@jared5318 8 months ago

As a betrayed male I will say that finding resources online that don't default to the man always being the cheater is hard to find. It feels like 90% of the content is geared towards betrayed wives of sex addict husbands, and when content is found that acknowledges that women cheat too, more often than not it frames it as her having "unmet needs born out of years of neglect". I explain all that because, I think phrases like "Once a cheater, always a cheater" (while false IMO) become normalized because many cheaters either don't face what they did, don't get help or dig into their "why", or they are surrounded by people who shield them from consequences. Often infidelity is romanticized in media or books and framed as finding "true love!" so with all those factors in play I think its pretty rare for people to truly reconcile long term I do think its possible though. Thank you for the work you do and for the content you publish, especially surrounding infidelity. I really enjoy your dynamic and how you approach the discussion.

@meghanaradhakrishna6721 1 month ago (edited)

I actually cheated on my boyfriend 5 years ago, i told him the next day after cheating, we brokeup for 3 months got back together after that and today we are breaking up even though I am faithful all this years and his trauma hasn't healed till now , he is suffering because of me 😢. He has this fear that people gonna personally attack him based on this reason , he could lose the self esteem and confidence.

@jayman6905 4 months ago

Only thing I disagree with in the why is the false premise that something the betrayed did or didn't do drove the betrayer to cheat, it's like victim blaming I disagree with it in its entirety. They chose to cheat not forced to or driven to at all.

@gregrising3668 3 weeks ago

What a surprise if you ask the betrayed, yes, the betrayal and the lies , gaslighting and manipulating to accommodate it tend to cause distress. And the unfaithful having to do all that just to be with the one, or other one that they deserve is so stressful. And of course would we expect them to say no everything at home was great, I just am selfish.

@misterman-y8i 7 months ago

she had an abusive childhood, abandonment issues, self esteem, depression, anxiety. she doesnt really know what a stable household looks or feels like. together for 25 years, married for 20 of those. cheated 3 days after christmas. i had 100% implicit trust. i never thought this would happen to us. her intent to deceive and betray is seemingly impossible. she is only now realizing how much her past has destroyed our marriage. i have been trying to tell her about it the entire time. never listened to one word i say. she put all of her feelings from her past on to me and our marraige. she's admitted fault but still tries to minimize what she did. if it continues, we won't make it. at this point, which is still very early, im not even sure i want it to. i never thought she was capable of such betrayal.

@chriscarbaugh3936 5 months ago

What if the betrayer refuses to admit that they cheated? This is killing me.

@lanapalij4014 5 months ago

YES..! I’m in my 60’s, and so is he.
I’ve NEVER cheated, or been cheated on by the man I loved, and lived with.., until
NOW.
He’s been married 3 times..! Says all of his ex-wives cheated on him. But.., he ALSO cheated on them.
Anyway, he Betrayed me, a year ago. Because, his excuse is: I have a male friend, I’ve known for over 15 years. Nothing sexual going on, ever.
He said “I DESERVE to have a female “friend”..! Of course, but not one that you have sex with!
Anyways , I am DONE with him, his lies and his cheating.
So.., yes Once a cheater, Always a cheater.
Statistics show, if they’ve cheated in a previous relationship, they are 3 times more likely to cheat on you.
Unless they do the work on themselves. And, most don’t.

@lorih3650 6 months ago

40 years ago, my husband choose to use prostitutes within first six months. Or sooner. I never stood a chance. He brought this into our marriage and I had no idea he used porn. We were married very young, 21 and 19. Forty years of varying discoveries. This last huge one has finally brought him to his knees. It's been devastating.

@charisgrace2614 4 months ago

I have a different perspective.
ALL MARRIAGES experience distress at one time or another. Because LIFE is stressful. Nobody gets a pass. Two unique people, with unique backgrounds joining their lives and having to face the day to day stressors of life are going to experience distress in their relationship. It is inevitable. (That's one reason why the traditional vows say, "For better or for worse..." Everyone gets some worse from time to time. Fidelity is built on the promise.)

Your organization has been helpful to me. You guys have some very good content, but this one falls a bit short. The title is Why Did They Cheat? And even tho Verlynda said something about not victim blaming, pointing to issues with the marriage ultimately does just that.
People cheat because they have low emotional intelligence, low character, unaddressed trauma, selfishness, or just an overall low moral compass.

There are plenty of choices for a "distressed" marriage. Cheating is the absolute worst.

@liveanotherday256 4 months ago

I am a man, i suffer from ptsd from child abuse. During 5 years of being married I looked at porn multiple times. I confessed it to my wife (she said she wanted me to tell her if I did), we did mairriage counseling, i did individual therapy, joined a 12 step program, doing the best I could to become a better husband. Ultimately she betrayed me by leaving and saying if she knew my ptsd was so bad she would not have married me, while at the same time saying I was making good changes, and was a good husband. It was so confusing, then i found out that she was with another man. Did my falling into porn while married to her and not being able to manage my ptsd 100% of the time cause her to cheat or would have she done it anyway?

@djmelton5514 3 months ago

I’ve always had a moral compass that was very strong I was cheated on a million times I grew up in a unsafe home nothing was safe and the one time in my life I ended up with the person who can help me heal has loved me and gave me no reason to run I was scared so terrified I messed it up from the start I have four years of infidelity I can’t take back and porn addiction definitely also played a huge part in the problems in my life I’m not sure how to open up to my wife about this without it feeling like excuses I don’t want to make excuses or be defensive about it but I struggle with communication in general I’ve been alone in my head for so long where does this fall under self sabotage from feeling taken care of for being stable in a relationship for the first time in my life

@sofiyita-RN4souls 1 month ago

What happens to the unfaithful ex that never acknowledges the affairs and quickly gets remarried?

@jastan23 5 days ago

There is no excuse for cheating! Don't blame yourself. They have the problem, not you.
I tried for years to understand the why. My wife gave me bs excuses like, you weren't the "spiritual" head of the family and "but I loved you, too!" We even had a great sex life!
I finally realized that she did it because she LIKED IT!
GET OUT! Don't waste your time or money! Life is way too short.