OpenTube

The Hidden Link Between AUTISM and Family Estrangement

A Dash of Therapy

156,009 views

This video explores the hidden link between autism and family estrangement—not because autism itself is the problem, but because undiagnosed or misunderstood autistic distress is so often mistaken for defiance, disrespect, manipulation, or emotional immaturity.

Autism does not cause family estrangement. But when autism goes unrecognized, it can contribute to misunderstanding, invalidation, and emotional pain that slowly erode relationships.

We'll look at why autistic children are frequently misunderstood, how masking can hide distress, why family members often end up telling completely different stories about the same events, and how these misunderstandings could eventually contribute to relationships breaking down.

You'll learn:
✨ Why unrecognized autism can contribute to the conditions for relationship breakdown
✨ How autistic overwhelm is often mistaken for bad behavior
✨ The hidden emotional cost of masking and late autism diagnosis
✨ What the "double empathy problem" means for autistic and non-autistic family relationships
✨ Why intention and impact are often very different in family conflict
✨ What genuine repair can look like when autism is part of the family dynamic

This video is for autistic adults, parents of autistic children or adults, families affected by late autism diagnosis, therapists, and anyone trying to better understand the complex relationship between autism, communication, and family estrangement.

My hope is that this conversation encourages greater understanding, compassion, and accountability. Sometimes relationships don't break because love was absent but because it was expressed in ways the other person's nervous system simply couldn't receive.

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⚠️ DISCLAIMER ⚠️

This content is for general educational and informational purposes. It reflects my professional perspective, clinical experience, and interpretation of the available research; it should not be treated as universal or definitive, and it may not apply to your circumstances.

It is not individual psychological, medical, therapeutic, or legal advice, diagnosis, treatment, or crisis support. Viewing or interacting with this content does not create a professional relationship. Psychological concepts are discussed for education only and should not be used to diagnose yourself or others. Clinical examples are composites or substantially altered to protect confidentiality.

Do not rely on this content alone when making decisions about your health, treatment, or relationships; seek suitably qualified support for your circumstances.

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#familyestrangement #NoContact #EstrangedFamily #EstrangedParent #EstrangedAdultChild #SiblingEstrangement #FamilyCutoff #Boundaries #Shame #Grief #RelationalTrauma
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20 Comments

@drsamtherapy Creator 2 months ago Pinned

Do you think some family estrangements are actually rooted in misunderstood neurodivergence rather than a lack of love?

@tracik1277 1 month ago

It’s not that there are no outward signs; the outward signs are misinterpreted and vilified.

@PurpleGold. 1 month ago

My mum said: “don’t be so sensitive” I responded with “don’t be so insensitive”.

@splabbity 1 month ago

I'm just glad someone somewhere made an actual effort to understand these things about us

@jedw5210 1 month ago

As the father of a fifteen year old boy with recently diagnosed autism, i took time out to really understand the condition. I didn't know it even existed in a mild form. It was a deep awakening for me, and very humbling. Suddenly all his behaviours I had labelled tricky, difficult, disruptive and plain odd, were nothing of the sort - it was just that he was autistic. I cried. I later wrote him a profound letter of apology. Since his diagnosis our family life is much, much better, because suddenly EVERYTHING made sense.

@TimothySpeed 1 month ago

Yes, that is a massive problem. I am 53—only diagnosed as autistic three years ago—and active in autism research, so I can strongly confirm this from my own experience. It can completely destroy families if the fact that it is autism isn't understood. It strains relationships between parents and children; neurotypical family members misunderstand, judge, disinherit, or cut off contact. Autistic people become the "black sheep" and are labeled in all sorts of ways—usually involving negative character judgments. Thank you for the post. It is immensely important to keep raising awareness about this topic. Unfortunately, family systems remain a sorely under-researched area in this field.

@vr2591 1 month ago

I’m 32 and highly suspect AuDHD with C-PTSD from family narcissistic abuse.

No contact was one of the best decision I’ve made for myself. But the harassment and threats I had to endure the first years were insane. I had to move multiple times, document and get the authorities involved.

Today I live peacefully with my partner and have a couple of friends. I get sad sometimes but I’m more than grateful for my current mental state. & I partially attribute it to content creators and professionals making this information available for us (like this video).

Have a blessed day everyone!

@pebblebrookbooks4852 2 months ago

So often, families laugh at our boundaries and requests so we look more and more unhinged. Better just to leave. But sometimes they chase you, so ghosting becomes necessary.

@fancynancylucille 1 month ago

You have not mentioned Family Scapegoating Abuse of the autistic family member. “We all grew up in the same house and we’re not f—-ed up. What’s YOUR problem?” Year after year of the most godawful treatment. My father instigated it. After he was gone my brother kept it going. It has been insidious and insane. As soon as my Mom passed (yes, she did it, too, but so unconsciously) I went no contact. Still painful but so much less so. My sister is now the new scapegoat, from what I hear. Amazing how it just goes on and on.

@erinancientelements 1 month ago

I was undiagnosed autistic and I know my parents were as well. But I was also an incredibly easy child but I was needed to emotionally regulate my parents. I understand they were unsupported. I understand all of these things but their behaviors in front of people were different from those behind closed doors. I only got unruly in my adolescence. After years of abuse and "other" inappropriate behaviors that, in my opinion, were not a result of being autistic. I was never called a bad child. I was always told, "we could take you anywhere." I complied with everything asked of me. I was drowned in expectations. When I finally learned I was autistic, I realized I didn't need to emotionally regulate for others anymore. I walked away. I couldn't handle the expectations anymore.

@marigoldenergy8512 1 month ago

It seems that there are similarities between someone who is high masking and someone who had childhood trauma that was untreated.

@Ashes_lit 1 month ago (edited)

I asked for help at age 11 and was abused for it. I turned drug addict from 11-30. Daughter saved my life. When she started showing signs of experiencing the same crap I did as a child I took her to the doxtor. That’s when I realized I had adhd and now autism. I am 42. ❤ I’m almost 12 years clean now. The best thing you can do for yourself is to learn self love. Once you learn how to love yourself, the whole world changes for the better ❤

@PMbeersPottery 1 month ago

When you have a parent with Narcissistic Personality Disorder and a neurodivergent kid who speaks directly and tells the truth, the NPD parent will scapegoat the neurodivergent kid for exposing the parent.

@leonardl3746 1 month ago

Growing up in the 80s, I used to get bullied, laughed at, whipped, and pushed out of the home whenever I got overwhelmed. By my own parents. Fun times...

@perplexiglasss 1 month ago

Wow, I'm speechless. This video is so necessary, and yet I've never seen anyone else talk about these issues before. Thank you for this.

@wendyreiersen2875 1 month ago

I’m autistic, and on both sides of estrangement. I ran away from my family of origin when I was 19. My parents, at least one of them also autistic, were not willing to let me grow up. My mother collects people to take care of, with my father being one of her first ones. I bet that my maternal grandfather was autistic too and that my grandmother treated him like my mother treats my father - like an adult child. I wasn’t identified as neurodivergent until I was 43. I am trying to figure out how far back my autistic burnout actually goes, but I was clearly depressed by age 8, though not allowed to say that I was not okay.

My first husband was attracted to my brokenness. He wanted a blank slate that he could shape however he wanted. I didn’t expect anyone to want me, so I went along with it. He also refused to accept that I was not okay. The last few years before the divorce he was increasing abusive as I was starting to discover who I was, but I was also experiencing frequent shutdowns. I got my autism diagnosis after the divorce. He told the kids that my diagnosis was wrong, that I didn’t know anything, etc.

Two out of three of my children don’t communicate with me. One of them told me that it was because I was never there for them. I was a stay at home mom before I couldn’t anymore and recovering my education and career was the only way that I could survive. I do talk to my parents now, but I know better than to count on them or get close enough to get sucked back in. A lot would be different if people could believe me about who I am. I wish that I could have another chance at raising my children with what I know now. I would have been a much better mother if I had been allowed to be myself. I couldn’t be there for them because I was not allowed to exist.

@themekfrommars 1 month ago

I can't help but feel that I would have a somewhat functional adult life, if I had not been psychotically raged at every night by my father, and mocked incessantly by my mother, and in specific toxic family terms, scapegoated. I'm somehow supposed to forget this and enjoy a relationship with my parents? My estrangement was triggered by my mother calling me 10 times in a row and when I finally picked up she laid down the law on how she expected me to phone them every week to find out how they are. An alternative strategy being to build a loving relationship with your child during their critical developmental years. I work for myself now, and I visit customers homes. I have seen many examples of kids like how I was, who are calmly and lovingly engaged by their parents.

@NormanU-e7i 1 month ago

Cruel family may target a neurodivergent child for abuse and that is why people go no contact.

@JenniferJames-b3u 1 month ago

When my father died in 2014, it was the first time in my life that I felt emotionally safe. I hadn't realized the depth of my distress. When he was gone from the planet I heaved a deep sigh of relief as if I had held my breath most of my life. I was in my 60s. After he was gone, my brother took over the role of bashing me psychologically and blaming all his and the family problems (which didn't exist in anyone's mind but mine). That sounds like a strange paradox and it's a crazy making situation. I have not spoken to him in over a decade and it feels absolutely the right thing for me. I live much more peacefully now.

@TheICAcademyOnline 1 month ago

My parents died so I'm working this out on my own. Im realizing my mother saw my behavior as defiance and she doubled and tripled down on "making me mind her" over-riding any need I had. I was silenced so much and so often that my siblings picked up on this, but since they were kids, the treatment was bullying and sadism. I shut off any need or want. Any weakness was used against me.