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I Spent 12 Years Teaching Manners In China... “Be Yourself” Is The Worst Advice

Sean Kim

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Sara Jane Ho is a Harvard Business School graduate, Netflix star, and the founder of Institute Sarita — China's first high-end finishing school — who spent 12 years teaching social intelligence to some of the most powerful people in Asia before pivoting to LA to launch a TCM-based wellness brand and host the viral podcast Hot Water. She is the author of the bestselling etiquette book Mind Your Manners and has been named Forbes' Women to Watch in Asia and one of BBC's 100 Women.

In this episode, we discuss:
(0:00) Introduction
(2:36) Why Neglecting Social Fluency Is Literally Shortening Your Lifespan
(3:50) What Social Fluency Actually Means — and Why It Has Nothing to Do With Being Polite
(5:23) How to Develop Heightened Self-Awareness If Nobody Ever Taught You How
(10:32) How Sara Jane Ho Went From Harvard to Beijing With Broken Mandarin and Built China's First Finishing School
(15:29) What High-Status People Do Differently Once They're Inside the Room
(19:42) Reading the Air: How to Scan a Room's Energy in the First 30 Seconds
(23:30) How to Use Your Central Nervous System to Read People More Accurately Than Your Brain
(28:20) Carl Jung Said You Only Really Start Living at 40 — Here's What That Means
(30:34) Miss Manners With a Touch of Machiavelli: How to Say Anything With a Smile and Get Away With It
(41:36) The Chinese Phone Call Rule That Changes How People Perceive Your Respect
(44:15) Why Xi Jinping Always Lowers His Glass When He Toasts — The Hidden Language of Chinese Power
(50:58) The Saving Face Dynamic That Makes American Businessmen Leave China Thinking They Got the Deal
(53:33) The Highest ROI Things You Can Do Right Now to Improve Your Social Fluency
(57:24) Tiger Mothers, Conditional Love, and Why Not Loving Yourself Attracts the Wrong Partners
(1:10:30) Why Hot Water Is the Foundation of TCM Longevity — and What It Actually Does to Your Body

Learn more about Sara Jane Ho here:
Website: https://www.sarajaneho.com/
Instagram: Instagram: sarajaneho
Youtube: @bysarajaneho

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20 Comments

@seankim Creator 3 months ago Pinned

If social fluency is a learnable skill that literally extends your lifespan — should it be taught in schools alongside math and science?

In this episode, we discuss:
(0:00) Introduction
(2:36) Why Neglecting Social Fluency Is Literally Shortening Your Lifespan
(3:50) What Social Fluency Actually Means — and Why It Has Nothing to Do With Being Polite
(5:23) How to Develop Heightened Self-Awareness If Nobody Ever Taught You How
(10:32) How Sara Jane Ho Went From Harvard to Beijing With Broken Mandarin and Built China's First Finishing School
(15:29) What High-Status People Do Differently Once They're Inside the Room
(19:42) Reading the Air: How to Scan a Room's Energy in the First 30 Seconds
(23:30) How to Use Your Central Nervous System to Read People More Accurately Than Your Brain
(28:20) Carl Jung Said You Only Really Start Living at 40 — Here's What That Means
(30:34) Miss Manners With a Touch of Machiavelli: How to Say Anything With a Smile and Get Away With It
(41:36) The Chinese Phone Call Rule That Changes How People Perceive Your Respect
(44:15) Why Xi Jinping Always Lowers His Glass When He Toasts — The Hidden Language of Chinese Power
(50:58) The Saving Face Dynamic That Makes American Businessmen Leave China Thinking They Got the Deal
(53:33) The Highest ROI Things You Can Do Right Now to Improve Your Social Fluency
(57:24) Tiger Mothers, Conditional Love, and Why Not Loving Yourself Attracts the Wrong Partners
(1:10:30) Why Hot Water Is the Foundation of TCM Longevity — and What It Actually Does to Your Body

@abbe1abbe156 3 months ago

I teach my children to be humble but never diminish themselves to make others comfortable.

@bohemienneprincesse8665 3 months ago (edited)

Sara Jane was compelling; I'll definitely read her book. One gentle thought: etiquette is partly about discretion, so I noticed her stepson came up fairly often and I began to have a physical reaction (stomach tightening) — hope he's okay with her sharing so much of his struggles/challenges.

@charneschiu 3 months ago (edited)

Excellent interview and insights. Grateful I was taught good manners and etiquette, my wife as well. I remind my children that they don't just represent themselves when they interact with others. Each child is an ambassador of the family, a reflection of their parents and family values.
"Don't make us lose face" - Asian parents.

@BSJDLEX 3 months ago

I learned from my mother to refer to the other person first as opposed to saying for example “me and my co-founder” one would say “my co-founder and I”

@lkdfdaew-ng1tu 3 months ago

Maybe "Be yourself" is often misinterpreted. We are all here to be ourselves and express our "core" energy. It's what we came here for but what the way most people understand it is wrong. They often act from belief systems they learned growing up from their family, friends, education system, government etc. Not all of them is wrong but they are mostly "inauthentic" to the soul in a sense even though it feels automatic. If people aren't afraid to be truly themselves like acting from a place of Love (which is what we are), then everything would go smoothly.

@asonikjournal 3 months ago

Such an enjoyable episode, thanks for taking the time to interview Sara Jane Ho 🧡

@clemthompson5336 3 months ago

We need to think deeply on many points mentioned in this video.
Thank you for this great interview ❤❤

@michaellee3502 3 months ago

Con artist directly plucked from Wall Street

@adrienneclaire3859 3 months ago

Quiet at the end of a phone call is a great suggestion, thank you so much! Would be interested to hear an entire podcast on phone etiquette. 💚

@louisaweiler5340 3 months ago

Two beautiful people saying beautiful things 🫩

@kathyxu1513 1 month ago (edited)

The minute she brings up the Qigong, I understood what type of person she is and started treating what she is speaking about with a massive grain of salt. Also for someone who claims she's "dissolved" her ego, she sure gives off a lot of status signalling borderline arrogant overconfidence - and to use quasi-scientific sounding lingo without learning enough about them can be misleading and dangerous

@kamilakamila7792 3 months ago (edited)

It’s interesting how we all speak out of our mentality, culture. She highly appreciate the feeling of social belonging, to be accepted by her peers. According to her, if you don’t feel accepted, it even shorten your life span. )))I will live longer without feeling of social belongings. I don’t care about social acceptance. Unless it goes to the extreme point, such as harassment and bullying.

@melaniegabbi 3 months ago

The conversation around cultural and social intelligence is an important one especially in international work and relationships and travelling,however, this is also about class codes and rules with the aim of social networking and hosting guests . Its useful but not nessasary values id want to live by . Learning about your energy and regulation is important and managing new situations can be incredibly helpful to people especially young people as they grow up. The distatesfull part was referring her stepson and the journey they both had. That isnt good for him or his mother ,im sure there were examples from many other clients .

@MaxineAyodele 3 months ago (edited)

Which comes first social intelligence or emotional intelligence? In African communities where Ubuntu philosophy is appreciated which means, ‘I am because we are’

@Shaz.W 3 months ago (edited)

What is "ROI" and "TCM"? As a 62-year-old, I often get confused with the increasing use of acronyms these days, which can sometimes be ambiguous. Why can't people just use words in full? I don't understand.