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Why Speaking Up Feels So Hard for Women

Breaking Down Patriarchy

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Have you ever walked away from a conversation thinking, Why didn't I say what I was really thinking? Many women know exactly what they want to say... until the moment comes. Then the words disappear.

In this episode, we explore why that happens, how girls are taught to silence themselves from an early age, and why losing your voice isn't a personality flaw- it's a survival strategy that can be unlearned.

If you've ever struggled to speak up, set boundaries, express your needs, or stay true to yourself in difficult conversations, this episode is for you!

📖 Download Sara's amazing free guide to reclaiming your voice: https://www.sarafisk.coach/amy

Find more of Sara Fisk's amazing work here: https://www.sarafisk.coach/

Listen to The Ex Good Girl Podcast!
https://www.sarafisk.coach/podcast

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Get access to more details about the Breaking Down Patriarchy Project at https://breakingdownpatriarchy.com/

Sources & Additional Reading:
In a Different Voice by Carol Gilligan
Silencing the Self: Woman and Depression by Dana Crowley Jack
Harriet Lerner: The Dance of Anger

Check out my video: Why Women Need Their Own Myth: Why Women Need Their Own Myth

About:
Amy McPhie Allebest is a scholar, historian, writer, and independent podcast host. Allebest began the Breaking Down Patriarchy project during her master’s degree at Stanford University in 2020. Her studies there served as the catalyst for the project and podcast. In addition to the project, Allebest is best known for her viral 2016 Medium article titled “Dear Mormon Man, Tell Me What You Would Do.”
The Breaking Down Patriarchy project uses essential historical texts to better understand the origins of patriarchy and to deconstruct its unjust effects on our minds, relationships, and communities. The project envisions a world in which all human beings are able to flourish and reach their unique potential. We strive to include as many voices as possible, and our work is intersectional and inclusive. We are also firmly committed to the well-being of boys and men, and we enthusiastically and gratefully enlist the help of our non-female allies in creating an egalitarian world where everyone can thrive.

Starring Amy McPhie Allebest and Sara Fisk
Written by Sara Fisk and Amy McPhie Allebest
Post Production Supervision by Amy McPhie Allebest & Aubrey Eyre
Videographer and Editor: Ralph Blair

20 Comments

@ToT_E_ToT 2 months ago

As an Arab Syrian girl, this ,this literally is what i feel when i talk about any religious act that violates women’s rights, the conversation always goes one way, me saying something is not okay, then someone argues back, and here i just feel that urge of not explaining or saying anything becomes overwhelming, thoughts of that what i am saying is useless, would make me look like a girl who is not good or appealing, or a woman who argues a lot, while all i do is just defending my well being, which makes me sick sometimes, because, it’s really sick that i am discussing my own human rights, makes me more frustrated and silent, i need to learn how to fight this despair, i feel that your video must be so global, i love your ideas so much ^^

@Smootiful 2 months ago

Silence is all the autoimmune disorders that women disproportionately get/suffer. 💔

@BeigeArmy 2 months ago

I'm not a passive woman - loud and proudly Caribbean. And yet, all of these descriptions hit. They are my truth as a woman.

@jagritikumari4012 2 months ago (edited)

First person to see the video and oh my gosh, this topic hits home. I, as a girl, many times felt unheard, that's why I almost stopped speaking. The biggest consequence of not speaking up and being heard is that you'll eventually loose the hope that someone will hear & listen to you, especially someone physically stronger. I always feel undermined by my brother and father due to this, and when all these emotions like anger, sadness and exhaustion finally breaks you down to devastation, you're the one who's being "loudy" or "whiney." Thank you for covering this topic mam, I'm sorry if I have any mistakes in my comment, English is not my first language, however, I'd like to communicate my gratitude towards you.

@FishareFriendsNotFood972 2 months ago

To all the women on the journey to finding your voice, I applaud you!!

@alanaspurling6469 2 months ago

Don’t underestimate that these lessons on self-silence is continually reinforced.

@devidaughter7782 2 months ago (edited)

"our voice was never the danger; the danger was what it cost to keep abandoning it" -Amy McPhie Allebest (30:23)

@marykayryan7891 2 months ago (edited)

I think it is really important to tell the truth about this. If a woman stands up for herself (or others for that matter), PEOPLE WILL NOT LIKE IT. They will not like you. So, be prepared to be disliked, shunned and isolated. And it won't be just men who respond this way. In fact, it is more likely to be women because they will be more threatened by your forthrightness than men. You are shaking up the system. "Just keep your head down. Why do you have to make everyything be so obvious? Figure out ways around all this. Let him think he is in charge." Myy own daughter said to me (somewhat tongue in cheek), "Mom, you could learn to lie. It would make you a lot more of a socialized a person." I have even had women say that "you are too masculine.". This is NOT an easy row to hoe.

@gretionwaters 2 months ago

I have learned to speak up all the time when it's called for. It very rarely leads to productive outcomes. Most often I'm am ignored and the harm or dysfunction I was speaking about just goes on with a shrug. It's demoralizing. In worst cases I do suffer the consequences of loss for having made myself the problem by talking about the problem. I feel like my efforts are being swept away by the relentless wind of time..hopefully carrying the energy into a future when people can speak up, address issues or problems, listen and make changes. The one thing that allows me to keep speaking up when it's needed is that I have independence, Financial Independence and autonomy. When women don't have those things , we really cannot risk speaking up in jeopardizing our ability to remain alive.

@user-zb5oj3vk4l 2 months ago

I and probably many of us wish I had this information sooner however, this is difficult when you are living with people who refuse to listen even when you do speak. They talk louder and louder over you so that they don't hear the truth. This is very hard to practice when you feel powerful enough to have the conversations but nobody is open to receiving. Thank you for your content, much appreciated.

@SleepyMatt-zzz 2 months ago

I'm not a woman, but as an Autistic man whose voice was often marginalized by family, many of your points hit pretty close to home.

@angelinabrown3142 2 months ago

I grew up in a traditional household: SAHM, "breadwinner" stepfather, 2 sisters and me. I remember even my mother enforcing that "be pleasant" rule--I wasn't allowed to express any emotion other than happiness/gratitude. I have all this unexpressed anger from my childhood. And, yes, I do lose my voice when it comes to speaking my mind for myself.

I chose not to marry, not to have children, and I have never subscribed to the bio-essentialism notion that all women are naturally nurturing and pleasing BUT I still can't break out of the shell that I--with a lot of help--built around myself.

Wow, this video is hitting me hard.

Oddly, I woke up this morning thinking about how hunter-gatherer humans were way more egalitarian than modern societies and how ONE person's opinion influenced our views of prehistoric humans and blinded us to the evidence that contradicted that opinion.

@tinyshepherdess7710 2 months ago

'll never forget when I was in my 20s and was talking to a random stranger a few years older than I was at the time. I can't remember how we got into this discussion but he basically said women were incapable of doing anything great, that men were far superior, and that any great woman from the past was like a needle in a haystack. I was stunned and struck dumb. I had no reply. It's been decades and I'm still haunted by that horrible and untrue statement he made. There is so much I could have said - but didn't. It probably wouldn't have changed his mind but it would have made me feel better!

@ToT_E_ToT 2 months ago

And just, knowing that this self silencing is a skill we learn in a loving environment, is SO ACCURATE

@devidaughter7782 2 months ago

I had to keep pausing as I listened, as almost every sentence resonated so deeply; thank you both SO much for this, it was JUST the medicine I needed today! and I'll be checking out Sara Fisk's work!

@kananramkrishna4828 2 months ago (edited)

This is universal and thank you for addressing it.

@ZachSeaman 2 months ago

A very important topic that I'm glad is being discussed more and more. As a guy, it is important not only to realize that this is common for women and work to change this, but also to recognize moments when I haven't spoken up and think about why. Speaking from personal experience, when I've been able to walk away and know that if I lose whatever is implicitly on the line by speaking up (whether it's a relationship, a community, a job, or anything else), I'll be safe. This typically means living below my means to have money saved up for the worst scenarios imaginable. I understand that isn't an option for many and that money doesn't solve everything, but it works as a reminder that being in an economically vulnerable position makes it harder to speak out because the stakes are that much higher and can make the person even more vulnerable after the fact than they were. A gentle reminder to myself to provide extra support to people who speak out but who I know can't afford to do so. ♥

@critterkarma 2 months ago (edited)

I was speaking with my GF about “women not being heard”, just yesterday. I mentioned the archetypal mythical character, “Cassandra” (from the Iliad) as a prime example. Here’s a woman who can see through the veil, understand consequences of events, and yet the men in power, refuse to “hear” her predictions.
In my own life, “not being heard” or acknowledged, has not been as bad as it has been for other women, and yet, just like the “Me Too” movement, I don’t know any women who has not experienced being dismissed, or outright self censorship.

@nickopeters 2 months ago

Everybody should listen to what you're saying about the dynamics of communication stifling of women as societal subconscious protocol and pathways to breaking it--.

@susangrande8142 2 months ago

OMG… 😢😢 These are SO crucial! And important to recognize!! This is such an important video for women AND men to watch and learn from!!! And so we can heal ourselves from these harmful patterns!