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Do You Not Like Sex or Do You Just Not Like Patriarchal Sex?

Breaking Down Patriarchy

378,018 views

Why is it so hard to center women in heterosexual sex?
So. Many. Reasons. We unpack them in this video.

– Video Chapters –
00:00 Introduction
00:20 Why do so many married straight women not enjoy sex?
02:06 The key to good sex
02:24 Centering women in heterosexual sex
03:14 Women's anatomy, left out
04:31 Why sex might not feel good for a woman
05:16 Fun versus consequences, who bears the burden?
06:33 Review: How are men centered in sex?
07:03 Historical context: The creation story
07:44 Historical context: Laws of coverture
08:56 The pressure to please
09:43 Purity culture vs. rape culture
11:34 "Withholding sex"
14:20 Pressure vs. pleasure — overcoming patriarchal sex norms
17:39 Outro and introduction to Celeste Davis

How did patriarchy begin? We made a video about that. — check it out: Where Did Patriarchy Come From?

What Were the Laws of Coverture and How Did They Erase Women? We made a video about that. — What Were The Laws of Coverture??

Check out Celeste's Substack! https://celestemdavis.substack.com/

Additional Reading:
Come As You Are, by Emily Nagoski
Ejaculate Responsibly, by Gabrielle Blair
I Have Devoted My Life to the Clitoris, by Elizabeth Hall

About:
Amy McPhie Allebest is a scholar, historian, writer, and independent podcast host. Allebest began the Breaking Down Patriarchy project during her master’s degree at Stanford University in 2020. Her studies there served as the catalyst for the project and podcast. In addition to the project, Allebest is best known for her viral 2016 Medium article titled “Dear Mormon Man, Tell Me What You Would Do.”

The Breaking Down Patriarchy project uses essential historical texts to better understand the origins of patriarchy and to deconstruct its unjust effects on our minds, relationships, and communities. The project envisions a world in which all human beings are able to flourish and reach their unique potential. We strive to include as many voices as possible, and our work is intersectional and inclusive. We are also firmly committed to the well-being of boys and men, and we enthusiastically and gratefully enlist the help of our non-female allies in creating an egalitarian world where everyone can thrive.

Where To Find Us -
Listen to our podcast!! Available wherever you listen to podcasts.
Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast...
Instagram: Instagram: bdownpatriarchy
Tiktok: TikTok: breakingdownpatriarchy
Facebook: Facebook: BreakingDownPatriarchy
Podcast YouTube: @BreakingDownPatriarchyPodcast
Website: https://breakingdownpatriarchy.com/

Starring Amy McPhie Allebest and Celeste Davis
Written by Amy McPhie Allebest and Celeste Davis
Videographer and Editor: Ralph Blair

20 Comments

@shelbkieee 1 year ago

Don’t even get me started on how the porn industry destroys the notion of what real sex should be like.

@deborahgriffith7476 1 year ago

Being told by religious leaders that sex is bad or a duty really doesn’t help

@karenbean271 1 year ago

“The more you center a woman’s experience” outside the bedroom too. They need to treat their partners with the same level of interest, curiosity and care all the time, not just when they want sex.

@SocorroMadrigal-ru9ic 7 months ago

As a 56 year old woman it makes me sad to see that we are still needing to have these conversations. The same conversations we were having when I was in college back in the late eighties. 😢

@mirandawhittaker8481 1 year ago

A friend and I literally had a discussion about whether we were gay or if sex with men just isn't good.

@RachINfp 1 year ago

The amount of men in the comment section who haven't listened and are instead trying to muddy the waters or simply discredit whatever a woman says is not only highly disturbing but only proves the point of the entire channel.

@LauraAura977 1 year ago

I feel this 100%. More women need to talk about this. My 1st fiancé and I had a great sex life or so I thought, we were active 3 times a week at least, until one day I was sick with the flu for about 8 days he tried to DEMAND I “perform” my duties and said that “I should be better by now”- I couldn’t believe he viewed me merely as a tool his satisfaction and couldn’t even give me a week to recover before he acted like a petulant child over sex. I never wanted him again after that gladly gave his ring back and walked away despite almost everyone in my life besides my Father pressuring me to go back to him. I avoided sex for 3 years after that. Luckily, I’ve been happily married for over ten years to a much better man who never treated me like that and we have a great sex life because connection begins outside the bedroom.

@TheWholeKitAndCaboodle 1 year ago

This message is for the boys who like girls: If you want a goth gf like Morticia, you better be a man like Gomez.

@heatheradams3576 1 year ago

Ugh. I had an ex. He claimed that he couldn't go to sleep without "busting a load." I worked early in the morning, and he didn't work at all. I was not allowed to fall asleep before him because he "needed" me so he could sleep. He'd shake me and wake me and be extremely loud if I tried to go to sleep. He would follow me into the living room when I'd try to get away from the noise. I finally ran away after 3 years because he got me pregnant, and he already had a child he didn't care about. He threatened to break up with me if I didn't abort it. At that time, I was afraid to be alone, but after the ordeal, I realized I deserved to be with someone who didn't force me to live a miserable life. I was only 24, and that didn't have to be my life forever. Lots of women like me were taught that your purpose in life is to find a man who wants to be with you and be good to them. My mom married an abusive drunk, and I justified my ex's behavior because he wasn't as bad. 10 years later, I love my husband. There are good ones out there, you don't have to settle.

@naypaula3539 1 year ago

My relationship of 4 years ended because of the pressure to have sex. And although I feel the grief, I also feel a lot of relief. I genuinely prefer being single.

@mariahs1123 1 year ago

I was married to someone who essentially raped me almost daily. I said no repeatedly, id scoot to my far edge of the bed, but because he didn't hold me down or beat me during the act, he and his FATHER (who was the preacher of the church) REFUSED to acknowledge it as rape.

Im happy to report that ive been divorced for years now, and my current partner would NEVER force sex on me and truly enjoys my pleasure in the bedroom.

@christiep8522 6 months ago

Foreplay is not only what is done before penetration but also how you treat each other throughout the day. If you treat her like crap and expect her to give you mind blowing sex, you are delusional.

@itotiani888 1 year ago

One of my favorite lines from Chewing Gum on Netflix is "dick centric sex sucks". That opened my world lol .

@hollywinslow4216 1 year ago

I'm not Mormon, so this is news to me. Women can't wear crop tops or expose too much skin, but men can wear t-shirts with bikini clad women on them?!?!

@gtheayylien 1 year ago

I fucking hate the term "withholding sex". What if the other party is just going through a dry spell,isnt interested, having a medically difficult time, or what if her husband isnt trying to be romantic anymore and/or emotionally abusing her? So what if someone doesnt feel like having sex.

@dumvivimus 1 year ago

Isn’t it amazing that women gave birth to the world but the patriarchy tells us that god made Eve from Adam’s rib?

@lrsco 1 year ago

Went through cancer treatment where sex was the furthest from my mind, my now ex at the time tried forcing it while I said no! His response: “What about me?”.

@xX_Bruh69_Xx 1 year ago

Im a bisexual man. I've been going bak and forth with myself on "am i fully gay? Am i asexual?" But im neither. I just fucking hate patriarchial sex, and the way straight sex and sexuality is portrayed. I don't want anything to do with it, the whole idea disgusts me and nothing makes me less aroused. There is nothing hot about using somebodys body and being unable/unwilling to make them feel pleasure too. This video is nice and very important!

@sneakylemon8513 1 year ago

This hit so hard... this is exactly how my ex viewed sex... at the begining everything was exciting and there were no issues... after a while it became a chore... and then there was the pressuring and guilt tripping... it made it worse and then sex became painful.. which made thendrive worse... which made the guilt tripping and manupulation stronger... until eventually... not only did my pleasure not matter... but my consent didnt either... and then not only was a being shamed about not wanting sex but also shamed for not enjoying being raped... i seriously thought i was asexual and a bad girlfriend and a horrible partner that wasnt doing enough for my man and it was driving him to be abusive. It took me years to figure out that maybe it was his abuse that was destroying my drive.

@followingheartlines 6 months ago

as a man who sleeps with men ive experienced some similar things. a lot of non-heterosexual men, especially those that identify as tops, are also led to believe that their pleasure is paramount and assume their partners are experiencing the same amount of pleasure. ive had men surprised when i havent finished when they have despite not once bothering to ask what feels good for me. goes to show just how pervasive patriarchy is.