Lately I'm trying to be better
I've been playing video games
Way less than i already was
Which was near not at all i'm going outside
More every day as a requirement
Even if i don't feel like it
And i'm trying so hard to think differently
About everything
Despite all of that somehow
I still feel like i've got no idea
What the hell it is i'm doing
Or what i'm going to do in due time
This life i'm living
While filled with the many blessings
Of living in a first world country
And waking up with a roof over my head
Is killing my soul in every aspect
Believe me
I'm genuinely trying to stop being so negative
Or pessimistic about every single thing in life
And change the way i look at everything
This shit is just not working
Every day
I'm stressing over the same dumb stuff endlessly
Looping over and over again work money
Living situation lack of friends lack of companions
Relationships insecurities
Anything at all i'm always thinking about it
One thing i thought was silly the other day
Is how i can be here in new york city
Surrounded by people all day
Every day anywhere you go or look
And never be by myself
But i'll still manage to be alone
That was some fake deep sentence
But honestly that shit is true man for real
At this point i sometimes wonder
If my life really will ever be anything other than
Wake up go to work go home go to sleep and repeat
In my own free time or days off
I don't even know what to do anymore
I've become completely stagnant
And just exist simply doing nothing
Rot maxing to oblivion
It's not like i even play a game or anything
I just watch that clock turn and turn
Until it's time to go back to work again
That's all life is
Surely we're meant to have moments in between
Where we hang out with people we are cool with
Third spaces or whatever i do not do such things
Not on anything resembling a normal basis that is
And certainly not with many
When i tell you i don't know what i'm doing anymore
I genuinely don't
My internal wiring is being rerouted
To make me into the perfect 9 to 5 for life worker
Who will never make it anywhere achieve anything
Or have anything to show at the end of it all shit
If i wanted to enjoy a hobby like play a game
I can't even think of one to launch up
There wasn't even gameplay in this video here at first
Instead the video was me riding my e bike
Around as the background video
Joy from everything about life
Is sucked all the way out of me by now
The best thing about life right now
Is that a new spider man movie dropped and it was sick
Other than that put the fucking
Fries in the bag brother this shit ain't it
I'm marking
This video as an attempted turning point for me
I've already been trying to be better but
I'll be trying extra hard from now on
I've got to do everything i wanna do when i can do it
And i shouldn't feel like i'm wasting my time
Or taking a lot out of myself
I'll get back to making these damn videos
And talking my inner monologues truth at your expense
I'll get back into actually streaming like i used to
But consistently this time
And i'll keep up with other hobbies of mine
Like writing
If i don't actively push myself to do something
My life will consist
Of nothing else but working and staring at a damn wall
In between those shifts might even get worse
If i pick up a second job to do back to back work
With the way america is looking right now
The economy new york city shit
I might need three jobs if i want to make it out here
That's just life right now man
There ain't no other way to go about it
Other than through the thick of it
All the way to the end
All this shit really isn't for me
And i'm past the point of beyond drained of soul
But like i've been saying
I'm genuinely trying to be better
I hope all of you have been doing well man
Better than me at least
May each of you get rich
And find the loves of your lives then live in peace
Amen haha for real though to end it off
I've got another video plan in the works
Called i quit my dream job
If you've listened to any of my videos up until now
You've likely heard me complain about the minimum
Wage ass job i've been working the last year
And i finally quit it
Will be detailing why in that video
Disclaimer now though i am not unemployed
Uour boy had a job before he even quit anywho
I think that's all i need to get out of my system today
This honestly felt real good for once
I'll definitely be back again soon
Thank you for watching take care