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Why Are Black Women So Convinced Nobody Wants Them?

Jasmine Decodes

53,647 views

Black women, dating, beauty standards, colorism and the ongoing conversation about whether Black women are considered desirable. In this video, Jasmine Decodes the viral conversation around Black women's dating experiences, Black men dating outside their race, dark-skinned Black women, and the idea that Black women are "undesirable." We also look at the OkCupid dating study and the public conversations around Lupita Nyong'o, Serena Williams and Michelle Obama. How much of what we believe about Black women's beauty and desirability comes from real-life experiences — and how much is being amplified by social media?

#BlackWomen #BlackWomenDating #Colorism #Dating #beautystandards

00:00 — Why are we talking about Black women's desirability?
05:50 — The OkCupid study and the "least desirable" statistic
10:21 — Serena Williams, Lupita Nyong'o & beauty standards
17:05 — How the algorithm amplifies rejection
22:08 — Black men, racial preferences & the problem with generalizations
27:16 — Rejection isn't an identity

keywords
black women dating, black women desirability, black women beauty standards, black women and dating, black women and colorism, colorism in dating, black men and black women, black men dating outside their race, black men prefer white women, black men don't like black women, dark skinned black women, dark skin beauty standards, OkCupid study black women, Lupita Nyong'o, Serena Williams, Michelle Obama

sub count: 840

Copyright / Fair Use:
Jasmine Decodes uses brief clips, screenshots and other online material for the purposes of commentary, criticism, analysis and discussion. Original material is used only where relevant to the point being discussed and is not intended to replace or reproduce the original content. All rights remain with their respective owners.

20 Comments

@JasmineDecodes Creator 4 weeks ago (edited) Pinned

I’m really curious how you see this one.

Because I don’t think the answer is simply “Black women are desirable” or “Black women aren’t desirable.”

There are real experiences of racism, colourism, misogynoir and rejection — and I’m not arguing that Black women should ignore or minimise those realities. I’m interested in what happens when these wider social messages about desirability become internalised and start shaping how we see ourselves.

And while this conversation happens online, I don’t think we can treat social media as completely separate from real life. The ideas we repeatedly encounter online can shape how we see ourselves, what we think is normal, and how we interpret our experiences offline.

At what point does someone else’s preference stop being information and start becoming a measurement of your identity?

Would genuinely love to hear your thoughts — especially if you’ve noticed this conversation online too. ❤️

@SOMETHINGTOSLOW 3 weeks ago

People say they hate Black women, yet our names are always in their mouths and in their heads rent free—they’re obsessed with us… 🤔

@softbutterfly_xoxo 4 weeks ago

Once I started separating social media from reality, conversations like this stopped making me feel bad/undesirable as a black woman. In real life, I still attract black men. I went to Spain not too long ago and the people were obsessed with us!! The amount of marriage proposals, number asking, and stares I got was crazy!! It's not as much as I get here in the UK, the dating and approaching culture is different here, but I do still get people expressing interest and desire in me. Even if people say they're not attracted to black women, I don't want to be with someone that doesn't find me desirable so why should I care or feel bothered?

@taty87 3 weeks ago

"You can be the juciest, ripest, sweetest peach in the whole damn orchard... there will still be people who just don't like peaches 🤷🏾‍♀"

@friedchicken4735 4 weeks ago

I think the trolls online play a part in it as well

@UmbranTear-q6b 4 weeks ago (edited)

How I learned how black women were not wanted was from personal experience, observation, and media.

@CPT_Pepper 3 weeks ago

We don't care who claims not to like us or finds us 'undesirable'. We go where we are appreciated, respected, and loved. 🙂

@AellaAsakura 4 weeks ago

I blame black men. The ones who drag us on the internet make men inside and outside of our race feel comfortable doing it too.

@LoXena 4 weeks ago (edited)

I'm perfectly ok with not being everyone's cup of tea. My main problem is how my experience of life is degraded because of that. Going out with friends is like koh lanta instead of a chill moment. The bartenders tone when they speak to you vs when they speak to your friends, random men speaking to your friend and you are completely ignored, men being flat out agressive/insulting toward you even though you didn't do or say anything to them. Even when I go shopping or to the grocery store I need to be mentally prepared for adversity. It's exhausting. I dont need to be everyone's cup of tea and i genuinely love how I look but come on now, I can't take public transportations without being laughed at.

@darkdravida 3 weeks ago

I'm an Indian guy and I find black women really attractive especially people from ghana, they are really polite and open to learn. Didn't know Indian cinema is quite popular in africa before lol.

@itsjessguys7005 3 weeks ago

Not to mention we were pretty much the only demographic who grew up not allowed to date. Now we are trying to navigate long-term partnership as grown women with no good experience. It is different for us, the Jezebel mentality is thrown on us at a young age.

@Saint_Darius 3 weeks ago (edited)

It comes from childhood trauma, mixed with doom scrolling on social media.

@its_actuallygigi 3 weeks ago (edited)

They are such losers to blame it on weight as if their isn’t skinny black woman out there

@charlotteruthwilson 4 weeks ago

This is online maybe. In real life black women are highly desired by people of many races.

@purpleowl2075 3 weeks ago

Black women are the most beautiful women in the world - misogynoir is so stupid, it's insane

@MorganK456 3 weeks ago (edited)

I'm a black woman in the United Kingdom and there's a significant amount of black men who date white or racially ambiguous women simply because they're not black.

The problem is that they go out of their way to perpetuate this mindset onto other men. My first boyfriend at 17 was half Japanese & Brazilian (Pardo) & he cut off his black friend because he would often make remarks about how black women aren't worth it 🤦🤡.

@basicallymid 3 weeks ago

Honestly, the OK Cupid study fucked me up a bit when it came out. It hit me way harder and deeper, and the conversations around it put me in such a bad space. I also genuinely think that was 100% intentional.

@kayellejay9608 3 weeks ago

This is not just social media. In my younger days I was told a lot of these negative things to my face.

@beautifuldreamer8803 3 weeks ago

Most people do not know what a preference is and how to use it in the correct context.

@phyliciajohnson6139 3 weeks ago

I'm a darkskin black woman, I've heard countless of times that darkskin women are men in wigs and undesirable, so much so i don't even bother dating. When my bf said I was pretty, I honestly couldn't believe. People constantly dog on black women and then wonder why a lot of us have low self esteem and think we're undesirable.