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The ADHD Woman's Guide To Intimacy: No more shame, no more guilt!

ADHD Chatter Podcast

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Karen Doherty is a Leading ADHD Couples Therapist who's helped thousands of people with ADHD. She’s here to discuss ADHD and how it effects sex and intimacy in your relationship

Chapters:

00:00 Trailer
01:56 How ADHD impacts sexual relationships
04:38 Difference between love & limerence
10:26 How to manage transition difficulty
14:21 Sensory issues during intimacy
17:00 The trouble with orgasms
22:12 Tiimo advert
23:14 RSD in the bedroom
28:45 How ADHD impacts sex drive
29:35 Vaginismus
32:07 When sex becomes a mask to save the relationship
37:09 Sexual OCD
39:39 AuDHD intimacy
42:07 Sex addict or just love having sex

Visit Karen’s website 👉 https://karendohertycoaching.co.uk

Find Karen on Instagram 👉 Instagram: karendohertycoaching

Join the ADHD Chatter Patreon community 👉 Patreon: ADHDChatter

Get 30% off an annual Tiimo subscription 👉 https://www.tiimoapp.com/offers/adhdc...

Buy Alex's book entitled 'Now It All Makes Sense' 👉 https://www.amazon.co.uk/Now-All-Make...

Pre-order Alex’s latest book about Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria 👉 https://linktr.ee/adhdchatter?utm_sou...

Producer: Timon Woodward
Recorded by: Hamlin Studios
Trailer editor: Ryan Faber

DISCLAIMER: The content in the podcast and on this webpage is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your doctor or qualified healthcare provider. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have heard on the podcast or on my website.

20 Comments

@diaryofanotdgirl 6 months ago

I have never felt so seen before. I am in my 40’s and was only diagnosed in October 2025. For me,
I find even the thought of being undressed, vulnerable, and all the what if’s. I start making awful and unkind thoughts ruminating in relentlessly in my head.
I am open to my partner about how things are happening in my head. Anything could turn me off And this would be things like the buzz of a fan or people walking on the stairs outside my apartment, and throughout an intimacy session my head wanders and I’m thinking of all the things I need to do, and countless things keep popping up in my head. I am quite a physical person and I love hugs etc. but at times I don’t want my partner to touch me at all and my body reacts in a jumpy way and he is so understanding and never makes me feel uncomfortable… there’s definitely been times during my adult life when I thoughts it’s easier to go along with it and just let him do his thing. It makes me so sad that back then I didn’t have the language or diagnosis to know what was happening.

@SunshineSara889 6 months ago

This episode unlocked a memory of a time that i ended sex abruptly after blurting out to my partner "bro, you're on my hair". WTAF?! That was my first time accidentally calling a man "bro" during a sexual encounter and my brain did not know how to process. It absolutely ruined the whole vibe for me.

David, if you're reading this, I'm sorry about that bro. Hope you're well!

@marcrichter9160 6 months ago (edited)

“I might be really rusty at this,” could be a liberating and disinhibiting opening gambit for a new relationship.

@Heatherhez1111 4 months ago

I have no desire to have intimacy again, my ex is sex addict, 20 years of hell with it

@marcrichter9160 6 months ago

And don’t forget that, although ADHD people are prone to the sensory issues that can create barriers to intimacy, we also crave sensual experiences and, if properly disclosed and negotiated, our sensuality and our own unique sexuality can be a real route to vibrant connection, coregulation, and genuine mutual enjoyment.

@lovelyrainflowerfarm 6 months ago

It’s funny, scheduling sex makes the most sense to me.

@HeathersCrochetCorner 5 months ago

I can relate to this, realizing that I've had ADHD my entire life, but it's making its presence known now that I'm in perimenopause. I also deal with being a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. I have zero interest in wanting any sexual contact; there are too many distractions in my head. I can't stay focused or in the moment. I deal with sensory issues. There is huge pressure to perform because it's expected. I agree that I am the type that needs a slower approach. There was a time when I thought that I might be asexual. I keep telling my husband that it's me, not him, because it really is. Too many unwanted sexual encounters have left me uninterested in sex altogether. Body dysphoria plays a part in this, too.

@christinasharp1230 3 months ago

I really wish this had been on 15 years ago…

@jackowens3845 5 months ago (edited)

Best podcast episode I've ever listened to. Told me everything I already knew but didn't want to face.
I recently was diagnosed with ADHD, I felt I knew for a long time. Having somebody point to the things I know are wrong and explain why it happens and what it can mean changes everything, thank you

@SamanthaCSmith-z8z 6 months ago

Great episode, lots of aha moments. I have a lot of trouble understanding myself and as someone who was recently diagnosed many of these episodes have helped. Thank you!

@JayJ-f1d 6 months ago

Glad this is being brought up and discussed with a professional, had no idea what was causing all these problems before I'd gone down the route of pursuing a diagnosis.

@PoundshopJaneway 6 months ago

Every episode of this podcast feels perfectly timed for me. Thanks 💖✨️🖖

@brandyrcobbs 6 months ago (edited)

Some get over-sensitized but some actually need added sensory additions like certain light, maybe sound or music. We usually talk abt when folks don’t want instead of adding something. And its not just women being overwhelmed by sensory stuff and men being the other way around. If the woman has combined adhd and the guy leans toward being on the spectrum, it may be the man being over-sensitive and the woman needing an earphone with some long instrumental music.

@goldbrick2751 6 months ago

I really found comfort scheduling sex time, and thank god I have a partner who understands my ADHD personality.

@ngelonearth 2 months ago

Thank you for this indepth conversation.
Made many pieces of my marriage into place. My former husband has aspergers and autism and I have audhd. I wanted to talk about where we were losing the connection and seek help. He remained walking his dopamine hitting path of porn and denial. I recognise the normalisation after the honeymoon period. After the bith of our daughter the split occurred and became bigger. He was overwhelmed by the changes and the responsibility he felt. The biggest problem was not communicating and reaching him to communicate and team up.
Took me quite some time to unrevel it all and find my balance and self esteem back.
Still work in progress ❤

@Heatherhez1111 4 months ago

I didn’t know adhd was the reason I thought of sex as a chore, I hate it, it’s messy, there are unrealistic expectations due to porn

@lizdirocco 1 month ago

Thank you for the conversation - I really found value around the porn topics and questions at the end.

It’s a topic that needs to be talked about more!!

@Natwool89 6 months ago

I feel so seen right now. I was literally just talking about this yesterday. And I didn’t know how to put it in to words. Is it me with an addictive personality or is it that I don’t have enough line, or that I don’t know how to spread my love, or I can only give 100% to one thing at a time.

@marcrichter9160 6 months ago (edited)

13:30 how about scheduled spontaneity? So it doesn’t have to be either/or. Even if your sexual styles are very conventional and “vanilla,” we could learn a lot from the kink community who pre-plan their sexual encounters and even their domestic lives in great detail. Emotional and physical safety is paramount in all relationships and not just BDSM ones. And good communication is the secret here.

If we can negotiate the parameters in advance, then both partners can get excited and have their ADHD imagination stimulated in advance. Then both partners know that the other one wants them physically.

If they know that their partner has committed to spending time together to explore one another’s bodily pleasure and comforting sensual giving, etc., this framework of mutual understanding, shed of expectations, facilitates confidence and might alleviate a lot of anxiety. Non- judgmental spaces can be the most sexy, because they allow us to be authentic about our desire and encounter another person’s sexuality without performance. Knowing our own bodies can and perhaps should be a mutual enterprise of co-regulation.