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I heard someone say “if you live in a two parent household with one abusive parent, you have two abusive parents”. Enablers are abusers, too. Often enabling parents gaslight kids into thinking they’re also a victim & they’re all on the same level against the abusive parent, or that it’s the kids fault for triggering the abuser. Do not forget, they were also an adult who knew better and chose to please the abuser for their own sake instead of protecting the children.

The commitment and bond the enabler has towards their narcissistic spouse is stronger than the commitment to themselves and consequently, their children as well.

First I saw her as a victim.
Then I saw her as an enabler.
Now I think she is borderline and 100% complicit in the abuse and scapegoating.

Me: "But Dad, I didn't do anything wrong!"
Dad: "Just tell your mother you're sorry. You know how she is."

Enablers are just as dangerous as the abusers. Enabling is abuse too.

I had this conversation with my father about 2 years ago. I was 47.
I told him he never protected me. He should have reacted when we were young (my sister and I). He said to me that he was not strong enough to fight against her. He said « It’s like the way it is », meaning that I had to accept the situation and my life. By saying this, he kind of helped me. Suddenly, everything became clear to me. I had always thought he was a victim of her as well, so I would help him when he would ask me for help (for example, he would ask me not to fight with her when I was at their place, because then she would be evil with him when I go back to my home). He asked me for the protection that I never had from him ! We had reversed the roles.
Since this conversation, I don’t feel sad anymore for my father. He can be sick, have surgery, die…. I feel like I don’t care at all. Because HE has chosen HIS life. I CAN CHOOSE MINE.
I have to take care of myself now, and heal from my childhood.

Needless to say, when I fight with my mother, he defends her, even on the phone, he takes the phone and tells me to STOP ! like I’m the evil daughter.
Besides, without being the narcissist that she is, he infantilizes me lot. I’ve realized that both my parents are toxic and impaired my development.

When I confronted my mother about my father’s abuse, including sexual, she said “If it’s even true, you should get over it because it’s in the past!”
She then started sobbing because my father was in love with another woman.
She is still with him. Her fear of being alone  and having less than she has now, is bigger than the pain of abuse.
She willingly put an abuser before her own children.
I cut all ties with them 15 years ago and moved abroad.

They didn’t protect you from abuse bc they’re selfish and only care about their “peace”. They’d rather you be the sacrificial lamb than actually fighting for what’s right and for you.

When my Malignant Narcissist mother finally died at age 74, all the adults in the family apoligized for not protecting me.  Of course I consoled them, but I was thinking "For my whole childhood, I was alone & helpless & miserable, and every one of you pretended her abuse was all MY fault. Just once, couldn't one of you have stood up for me?"  To this day, it infuriates me how 99% of people will cater to bullies & sacrifice others to avoid a tiny bit of conflict.

My father ran into burning buildings on the lower east side of Manhattan for a living, but couldn’t manage to protect his children from the hell of living with their covert narcissistic mother

“Any resistance to others that treat me badly only makes it worse”.   That hits so hard.

Best and most important four words for we children of narcissists are: "IT WASN'T OUR FAULT."

Absolutely true! My mom was like an innocent victim in my perspective for decades. It took a long time to realize she was part of the game. She took no action, and didn't protect me. It's painful and relieving getting closer to the truth.

Shoutout to everyone in the comments who realised they were an orphan all along.

My mom is a narc; my dad was an enabling/co-dependent secret alcoholic. I used to put my dad on a pedestal because he was a kind and loving person, but he would stand by and watch my mom's abuse and tell me that "we just have to let your mother have her own way.'  I live 8000 km away and went no contact with my mother at Christmas. I have been experiencing grief, but not for what I lost, but for what I never had. 😢

It is so heartbreaking when your enabling parent is watching you suffer but says and does nothing to protect you. If your parents were your biggest bullies and you have survived, and you heal from the traumatic ordeal, you become unstoppable. Thank you 🙏 Jerry 😊 God bless you❤

My father was the enabling parent and was happy that she was torturing me instead of him. She had to torture someone. That was just the normal. He never put her in her place. Never defended us. He would  join in the torture to please her. Awful.

What about when your parents enable your narcissistic sibling by telling you to "just ignore her, you know what she's like" for over 40 years?

My Dad worked away Monday to Friday. My Mum was cruel to me and lied about me constantly. If I tried to tell him it wasn't true he would shout me down telling me not to answer back. Mother smirking behind his shoulder. When I was early twenties with two toddlers of my own he told me that he knew exactly what went on. I broke down crying and asked why he didn't help me, he said he was tired from work and didn't want the hassle. Biggest betrayal of my life.