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I Treated Narcissists for Years and Never Saw a Collapse — Here's What Really Happens

Kerry McAvoy, PhD

11,193 views

Why did the narcissist’s collapse look so real — curled on the floor, shaking, sweating, begging you not to leave — yet nothing changed after?

What looks like a breakdown is often a temporary loss of status, not a loss of identity — the defensive structure drops for 30 seconds, then rapidly reconsolidates and the manipulation continues. This is a highlight from a recent live Q&A, repurposed here as our second weekly podcast segment.

In this episode, Kerry unpacks the hidden mechanics behind narcissistic collapse and what it takes to step out of that role:

• Why the dramatic display is often a performance to block abandonment
• Why true collapse requires remorse and self-reflection
• How the defensive structure drops when challenged, then reframes and re-hardens
• Why they demand you affirm they are still good

#NarcissisticCollapse #NarcissisticAbuse #Narcissism #NarcissisticPersonalityDisorder #EmotionalAbuse #TraumaRecovery #NarcissisticAbuseRecovery #MentalHealth #healingjourney

00:00 The collapse that looked completely real
00:34 He was curled up on the floor, sweating
02:34 I'm not sure narcissists actually collapse
03:33 The TikTok: divorce papers and a fall to the floor
05:16 Why the mask is built to fit you
05:52 Dr. Gregory Lester and the Jaws theme
08:34 Shame asks a question narcissists never ask
09:45 "Why don't you just admit I'm a good husband?"
11:57 Why the subtypes mislead you
13:05 The narcissists who came to my office
14:43 Do narcissists soften with age?
16:07 Thirty seconds, then straight back to macho
18:12 The wolf and the meat
18:48 So what is a collapse, really?
19:53 Mocking the nurses from a cancer bed
22:30 Every person is a culture of one
25:22 What real brokenness looks like
25:56 Status shift, not identity shift

*******************

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KERRY MCAVOY, PHD, an author and educator, draws on her 25-year background in psychology and her lived experience as a survivor to help individuals decode toxic dynamics, recognize manipulation, and rebuild self-trust. Her memoir, “Love You More,” offers an uncensored glimpse into the dynamics of narcissistic abuse.

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20 Comments

@perseverance2015 3 weeks ago

Their "empathy" is for themselves. They are only soft and mild and kind when they want something or are afraid.

@gamelion3657 3 weeks ago

I think you are right. What I saw was more like he was shocked and confused he got caught, maybe scared for his false reputation. He SEEMED really remorseful and I felt he might actually change. 24 hours later he was back to his arrogant, cold, self righteous, defensive, selfish, egotistical normal mode.

@jaykay3839 3 weeks ago

Some time last year, my husband tried his old throwback "poor me" act. He sat on the floor near me and acted like a poor sad little boy. He was trying to guilt me into feeling sorry for him after his bad behavior because it worked for So many years. I am so done with his nonsense. I calmly told him that I wasn't going to feel sorry for him anymore. He visibly changed. He straightened up his sagging posture, turned away and got off the floor. He voice went from whiney little kid to a regular grown up again. It was ridiculous and very telling that it was all an act for all these years.

@gamelion3657 3 weeks ago

Cluster B get worse with age. Whatever sweet moments they offered when young disappear, and is replaced by coldness, callousness, and seething resentment for anyone innocent, happy, or pure hearted. They become more sadistic and more perverse, BUT better at social hiding, so only certain victims see it. They learn to set up whole relationships and fake families as alibi, and take their true evil to individuals who don’t have allies or won’t be believed. It’s actually really horrific, but I can see why so many people think they mellow with age. They don’t, not remotely, they get more evil, but better at fooling everyone.

@AdellaRose7071 2 weeks ago

Mine crashed so hard he's been in/out of mental facilities & homeless. Married 37 years found pathetic narcissistic texts. Went no contact. After 1 month my IBS was regulated, no more high blood pressure & haven't had 1 flare-up from chronic Lyme. The body keeps score! There's no doubt in my mind that it was divine intervention. He brought dark entities in my home. Spiritual warfare is real. Took 3-4 months to rid. I no longer want "DNR" on my medical records!

@sharms3293 3 weeks ago

I think it's more a narcissistic injury than a collapse. Once the acute stress fades or they find a new source of attention and praise their narcissistic behavior returns.
It's a personality disorder as opposed to a mental illness and can't be cured with therapy or medication.
They're incapable of feeling any remorse because they lack empathy and unable to self-reflect.

@klynn3368 3 weeks ago

My knowledge of narcissism is limited, but I've experienced a few lulus in my time. One thing I've noticed in an aging narcissist is that the resentment they have for the authenticity of another person's personality, can no longer be addressed by them with the same drive to destroy that person. So they use what tactics they have the energy to use, such as feigning a breakdown. If a person who knows them well falls for this act, they can now bolster themselves with the knowledge that the other person is still a moron, and they continue to be superior. I do my best to stick to my guns that they are, and always will be, toxic for me to be around.

@sunbeagle9769 3 weeks ago

Regrets and despair are not the same at all.

@jennajewert 2 weeks ago

I've believed narcissistic collapse to be essentially a temper tantrum for years, but I don't always see them (collapse tantrums) as being manipulative or even necessarily disingenuous. These are meltdowns, outbursts and anger based implosions, not shame based.

@Behindblueeyes-r2u 3 weeks ago

I used to think collapse meant that they would see the error of their ways due to a loss of supply and consequences and that would cause them to change, but my thinking has evolved. I realized that there’s no debating the reality or narrative that they have, they will rewrite it confabulate to make themselves the good or justified person again.

@lsdlk 3 weeks ago

You've just unveiled something BIG.
It's essentially an act to protect their interests like a child tantrum trying to secure a lollipop: either inspiring pity (to the obstacle) or hammering the obstacle.
If you don't seem critical for their interests and persona, you're likely to experience their full blown way of being.

@petalparker5 3 weeks ago

They’re good at petulant sulking and stewing whilst blaming everything and the kitchen sink and they don’t learn anything from it

@SylviaHowell-o3e 3 weeks ago

I agree with you, Kerry, narcissists do not really collapse. They only evaluate and manipulate more.

@GallopM2231 2 weeks ago (edited)

The first major thing I experienced was my partner throwing a fit because I bought him "too many" nice things for his birthday. It was the first 6 months we were together. I was completely flummoxed because it wasn't too much - it was just $150 worth of summer shorts and shirts he needed for a trip we were going on, not a Rolex!. Little did I know that he saw this as an expectation that he would have to do nice things for me too on special occasions. My friends warned me what this meant but I couldn't comprehend that so I stayed. But that's what it was. If you find out early on that he resents doing anything special for you after the love bombing period, RUN!!

@gamelion3657 3 weeks ago

Dr Kerry you are speaking the EXACT words that have come out of my abuser’s mouth! That is exactly how he sees it. He thinks he IS good, so even if he’s done horrible things to me or our children, we are supposed to still see him as GOOD. He says he’s good “compared to men in Afghanistan, compared to men in the South!” He’s in the South and not any better than other men there. He reminds me of how Epstein and Trump speak of themselves, just this unwavering self aggrandizement and self praise, no matter what they’ve done, and lashing out at victims who come forward, believing the victims are “mean” or “attacking them”. Sickening to hear my abuser speak.

@Jonathan-mt9up 3 weeks ago

In my experience, even if the collapse is genuine, it can make the long-term threat even worse, as the narc can justify vengeance based on what they perceived I ‘did to them’ that caused them to self-reflect and collapse.

@gamelion3657 3 weeks ago

The fake collapse is like a puppy rolling over and showing belly, paws tucked up. “Don’t hurt me I’m just a baby!” That’s temporary, to get YOU to stop whatever you are doing. That’s all.

@maggie6152 3 weeks ago

Wait...THIS is what people are talking about with narcissist collapse? Thought I'd never seen it, but turns out I did. Yeah, that's just someone with the mental capacity of a toddler throwing a tantrum after the usual stuff doesn't work anymore to get what they want. 100% manipulation USING emotional dysregulation to make it as miserable as possible for you to continue with what triggered it. Anyone doing this collapse should be left immediately with at most a number to a trained therapist.

@yupyup1562 3 weeks ago

What I have observed is, there is what others, such as Vaknin have said, there is no one there behind the mask, they are the mask. There is no one there. When you speak to one, you are actually speaking to the last person, or last couple of people, they’ve spoken to.

@gamelion3657 3 weeks ago

EXACTLY. The subtype is situational and relational. WHO else is in the room, what is going on, where (location), do they have allies, how much power/money do they have at the moment COMPARED to whoever they are interacting with. Also, after a lifetime of dealing with these folks, the Cluster B is a spectrum and one person usually contains all the tools (borderline, narcissistic, ASPD, psychopath, Machiavellian, sadism). They usually have a preference for mode or tool that suits them best or fits their image, but they have ACCESS to all of them. So don’t think your person isn’t capable. They are if situation calls for it (by THEIR mindset, not yours).