The narrative opens with Count Arthur engaging in a chaotic phone call with someone he suspects is an "ambulance chaser" attempting to manipulate his will. During this exchange, he mistakenly calls the caller "Mrs. Birkenhead" and veers into tangents about his collapsing house, Henry VIII's wives, and celebrity plastic surgery.

The lecture itself descends into disarray. Jeffrey turns away the British Egyptology Society representative due to her wearing trousers without a doctor's note, leading to a physical altercation. Count Arthur's lecture is plagued by Michael's technical failures and his own rambling, including a confusing anecdote about a camel and "King Nephew Canva." He misinterprets the society representative's frustrated reaction as playful, concluding the segment with optimism about his application and plans to celebrate at the "Shoulder of Mutton."

Characters:

• Count Arthur Strong: The central figure, a radio show host, lecturer, and self-proclaimed legend.

• Doris: Count Arthur's cleaner (mentioned).

• Mrs. Birkenhead: The name Count Arthur mistakenly uses for a phone caller.

• Wolf: The butcher.

• Michelle: The optician.

• Jerry: A cafe worker.

• Jeffrey: Count Arthur's assistant for the lecture.

• Michael: Jeffrey's nephew, assisting with the lecture's technical aspects.

• The Woman from the British Egyptology Society: An unnamed representative attending the lecture.

• Jack: Owner of the "Shoulder of Mutton" pub (mentioned).

• Mentioned Historical Figures/Celebrities: Henry VIII, Anne Hatheraway, Katherine (the Arrogant), Katherine Hepburn, Audrey Hepburn, Glenda Rogers, Felicity Kendall, Cliff Richards, Lulu.

Actors & Creative Team:

• Steve Delaney: Writer.
• Graham Duff: Editor.
• Sue Perkins
• Alistair Kerr
• Dave Mounfield

The segment begins with an appeal to listeners to stay tuned for Count Arthur Strong's radio show. Count Arthur then engages in a phone call with an individual whom he suspects is an "ambulance chaser" attempting to trick him into changing his will. During this chaotic conversation, Count Arthur mistakenly believes the caller's name is Mrs. Birkenhead and threatens to report her to the police. He also goes on several tangents, discussing his house falling down, Henry VIII's wives, and celebrities like Cliff Richards and Lulu undergoing plastic surgery.


He is seen preparing for the lecture with Jeffrey, his assistant, and Jeffrey's nephew, Michael, who is supposed to handle music and lighting despite having no experience. Count Arthur’s instructions are often unclear, as shown when Jeffrey struggles to read the "hieroglyphic" poster advertising the event, which supposedly indicates the time using symbols like "Knotted rope. Seven arm. Lioness. Viper. Carpet. Seven arm. Stuff. Rock. Stuff. Vulture. Viper. Vulture. Water. Half past 7."

During his preparations, Count Arthur has a frustrating exchange with Jerry at a cafe over obtaining tomato sauce, which he meticulously guards.

Count Arthur’s lecture is marked by technical difficulties with Michael and his own rambling narrative, which includes an uncooperative camel incident and a confusing description of "King Nephew Canva." He misinterprets the society representative's reaction as positive, believing she was "playfully" hitting Jeffrey. The segment concludes with Count Arthur, still optimistic about his prospects, making plans to celebrate at the "Shoulder of Mutton" pub.

Characters and Actors:

Characters mentioned or appearing in the narrative:

• Count Arthur Strong (the central figure)

• Doris (Count Arthur's cleaner, mentioned)

• Henry VIII (historical figure, mentioned)

• Anne Hatheraway, Katherine (the Arrogant), Katherine Hepburn, Audrey Hepburn, Glenda
Rogers, Felicity Kendall (historical figures/actresses, mentioned by Count Arthur)

• Cliff Richards (celebrity, mentioned)

• Lulu (celebrity, mentioned)

• Mrs. Birkenhead (name Count Arthur mistakenly calls the phone caller)

• Wolf (the butcher)

• Michelle (the optician)

• Jerry (cafe worker)

• Jeffrey (Count Arthur's assistant for the lecture)

• Michael (Jeffrey's nephew, assisting with the lecture's technical aspects)

• The woman from the British Egyptology Society (unnamed)

• Jack (owner of the Shoulder of Mutton pub)

Actors appearing with Count Arthur Strong:

• Sue Perkins

• Alistair Kerr

• Dave Mounfield

The script for the radio show was written by Steve Delaney, and edited by Graham Duff. The show was recorded live at Comedia Brighton.