"I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we even met."
-Steven Wright

“broke a mirror that’s supposed to be 7 years bad luck but my lawyer thinks he can get me 5”

"Everywhere's walking distance if you have the time" Those are words to live by.

I used to work in a Helium Gas production factory. The boss there still speaks very highly of me.

"If I melt dry ice can I swim without getting wet?" Hall of fame joke

I saw Steven years ago in Pittsburgh. My favorite joke of his of all time: "I like to tease my plants...so I water them with ice-cubes."

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood outside and sang Happy Birthday. -Steven Wright

"I'm a peripheral visionary. I can see into the future but only way off to the sides."

I went to a restaurant. It said "breakfast any time." I ordered pancakes during the Renaissance.

I had an uncle who worked for Ringling Brothers and Barnum & Bailey Circus, and when he died all of his friends went to the funeral in one car. - Steven Wright

I forgot to go to the gym today...

that's 3 years in a row now.

He doesn’t get heckled because people are too busy trying to get his jokes.

My favorite was when he just pauses & says
" I lost a button hole..... Where am I going to get a button hole.... "
😂

3:28 "If sometimes you can't hear me, it's because sometimes I'm in parentheses." (🤣🤣🤣)

this man indirectly invented weird twitter

I always liked " I live at the end of a one way street. I can't get out"

There is only one Steven Wright. Sheer brilliance.

"It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it." I've been laughing ever since.

"For the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my shows are like a 90 minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is."  ∼  Steven Wright

Brilliant. Just brilliant. He kills it every time.