Taking responsibility for your mistakes matters. But it doesn’t mean you have to give up your voice or your boundaries to keep the relationship.
Where do you think the line is between taking accountability and becoming afraid to say no?

I get that!
Parents need to realize the experience for your child can be completely the opposite of how you think their experience was or should have been.

What a beautiful channel ❤️  and what great advice. I would also add staying positive,  hold love and compassion for yourself and your child instead of fear/guilt. Be proud of yourself regardless of the outcome ✨️ ❤

I’m glad this acknowledged something people rarely say out loud: a parent can genuinely do the therapy, respect the distance, take accountability, and STILL not get reconciliation. Growth matters, but it doesn’t give us ownership over someone else’s timeline.

Thanks!

I think this is a great video.

Sometimes, the “reason” a parent is estranged from their child is for a no good reason in which the parent doesn’t actually require any change. Sometimes the child is wrong.

For instance, the parent isn’t pushy, the parent is indulgent of the child, the parent listens to the child, the parent does generally all of the things that parent needs to do for a child to be loved, except the parent isn’t willing to forsake their entire belief system. They’re not trying to force it onto the child, they’re not trying to tell the child that the child is wrong, they’re just not willing to be controlled to completely themselves. They’re not willing to change their belief in religion or politics or something like that.

Or maybe, the child wants money to go do drugs or something and now the parent is a bad person because they’re not willing to do that for the child, even though what they’re doing for the child is for their benefit.

When stuff like this happens, you don’t actually have to change anything as the parent because the problem exists within the child.

I think it’s important to be able to identify the difference of somebody trying to control you versus somebody trying to have a boundary for themselves against poor behavior.

Just because somebody has a problem with you, as a human being in general, that doesn’t always mean that you’ve done something wrong.

It’s an indicator and information that maybe you did. But that doesn’t mean necessarily that you have.

Just look at all of the evil people throughout history who have done the worst kinds of things.  Did their victims really deserve the treatment that they got?  No.

Growing up, I was taught to treat others the way that I wanted to be treated, but what I wasn’t taught was what to do when other people treated you poorly, still. I had to learn that the hard way.

I also don’t have much sympathy for people who throw family members away just willy-nilly. I have always had a tough relationship with my mom because she carries damage with her that she either hasn’t been able to or isn’t willing to heal, and that comes out in a bunch of unfortunate ways that are often hurtful in one way or another, even if it’s not being directly pointed towards you each time.

And yet, as an adult, I’m able to see that that’s the problem that’s within her. It’s not an accurate representation of who her hurt is coming out towards. If it’s coming out towards somebody and it’s having a negative impact on them, then I just try and correct her.  But she’s done so many good things too, starting from giving me life, that unless she’s really, really out to get me and destroy my life or makes me so miserable with her behavior, then I don’t see why I would go no contact with her.  Is my relationship with her as close as maybe I would have liked it to be? No. Definitely not. But I try to meet people where we are both at and it becomes mutually beneficial.


A different story about my brother.  He and I have both done hurtful things at one another’s expense. Around the time that he started dating this girl in high school, because of the pre-existing problems in my family and not being able to have strong boundaries, she was quickly elevated into the center of my family structure by gaining favor with my mom and she ran havoc on almost all of the relationship relationships in the family. And it’s not because she was a truth teller. It’s not because she was challenging the status quo. It’s because she wanted to win.

She wanted to be the matriarch. My mother just couldn’t understand it at that point and thought that this person who was literally working against her and calling her all of these terrible, terrible names in her own living room when she was in the other room, was actually on her team and on her side.

Well, my brother never was able to hold this person accountable. In fact, he enabled the behavior. And it became so bad that at one point in time, she was micromanaging the communication not just between other people and him, but everybody’s communication. And she would stir the pot wherever she could, and she would invent things when it was too boring and there was nothing to stir.

Then when you would call her out, her hands would go up and say that’s not real. And he would just sit there like a tool and allow it to happen every time.

Until eventually, I started telling the truth and stopped walking on eggshells, and when I started doing that their position of controlling my entire family structure, ironically him being silent in her, just playing games with everybody, turned into they are on the outside of the family and the entire family is bad, but especially, I am bad. And not only in my bad in that moment, my entire existence before during and after is bad.

The retroactive character, assassination and smear campaign that follow when you call out a person who act in this kind of toxic way, cannot be understated.

So I’m actually no contact with the both of them. The peak at their negative behavior was his girlfriend texting my wife, who had the time was the mother of two of my children and now three of my children, and trying to get her to choose sides between her and me, her husband, and father of her children.

When my wife wasn’t willing to do that, not even willing to entertain the premise of it, things that she had shared which were vulnerable were exploited, and not only where they exploited, they were twisted, and then she was attempted gaslit about them and she was actually the first person to say, you know what, we’re done.

And it’s been a couple years since then.

I saw my brother at my grandma‘s funeral. I was honestly surprised he came in. Seemed like maybe we could have a conversation but quickly I just turned into the same kind of thing. Either I have to say, I am an entirely bad object, or I am one, in either case, I’m a bad object, so guess what they get. Nothing.

I’m not willing to sit there and be abused by people crying about them being abused and projecting their abuse onto me

Yes, those horrible people who clothed and fed you! How dare they tell you you can’t get a Happy Meal from McDonalds or stay out until 3am with your strange boyfriend. 😂 Growing up is obviously so hard to do.

Thank you for looking at both sides of the picture. I love what you said at the beginning about looking deeper at what the child is saying and then asking them "When you say you didn't feel supported, what did you need from me that you felt you weren't getting?". This is the conclusion I also reached when I read through a letter from my adult child. I was completely taken by surprise by it, and my first thoughts were overwhelming sadness for our relationship and feeling awful that I had somehow hurt my child emotionally, yet most of the things they listed as issues were unrecognizable - even to my husband who wasn't even the target. I thought a lot about what I might have said or done to deserve this treatment, and I acknowledge that I'm not perfect and wish I could have responded differently in some cases had I taken a moment to think about how it was affecting my child, but there was so much more that didn't make any sense whatsoever, so perhaps much of what was written wasn't as important as why - that there is something deeper going on, and that I need to understand what my adult child needed and needs to hear from me. We aren't "no contact", but taking a break. I went to counseling and hope that my adult child is going to counseling as well, since the letter sent to me could not have been reviewed by a professional therapist (my therapist expressed this as well). I would also like to invite my adult child to enter a therapy session together with me so we can work through the issues, but I'm not sure what their response to this would be.

Yes, that was over 4 years ago

My daughter decided to study at a school far from home; she lives on the East Coast and went to a school in California. I only discussed it with her and expressed my opinion but gave her headway on what she wanted. This year she decided to study overseas in Italy. Another decision that caused me to think because she's only 19. Again, I let her make the choice. My only rule now with both my kids, is that I will never discuss nor ask them about their mother; what she is doing, if she met someone, etc. I'm curious to know, but it's none of my business and I don't want to spy on her thru my kids.

Don't you love how everyone has all  the answers to solve your problems,  yet don't really know your problems 😂😂😂

“You can have an opinion. You’re allowed to have an opinion. The question is whether you can simply mention what you think and then let others make their own decisions, without repeatedly arguing or trying to convince them that you’re right.” This made me laugh. I’m not even allowed to mention whether I like a particular cake or restaurant, let alone push, persuade, or try to convince anyone, unless my opinion happens to coincide with that of my son’s spouse. Otherwise, simply expressing a different preference is treated as a boundary violation and added to a long list of topics I’m forbidden to discuss. I wish I was kidding.

Estrangement is Deeply Cruel

I imagine having this conversation with my dad and he would just be laughing at me. Everything you've said was correct. Always reading the room, hoping he didn't lose his temper. Because he did put a hole in the wall. He did strike every member of the family. But yet, he denied it all, saying he doesn't remember. I'd suggest every estranged parent listen when their child is trying to tell them. Also, therapy doesn't equal a new person.

You are missing something: you absolutely cannot say what you think or have an opinion and asking questions can be problematic too, and certainly asking to speak can play into narcissism, and people who don’t speak much or explain anything leave you with nothing to work with and , sometimes deliberately sometimes not, in a “power play” putting you into a “one down” position. 😢

I wanna show this to my mom but .... Its just going turn into some DARVO bs

Does Anwen Reid’s anxiety quiz give advice based on your specific result, or does everyone eventually get the same recommendations? I’ve seen people talk about completely different issues, so I’m wondering how personalized the final explanation actually is.