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Why You Resist Accepting You're Transgender (And Why That's Healthy) | Dr. Z

DR Z PHD - Gender Specialist | Transgender Adults

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Dr. Z explains why you experience resistance to accepting you're transgender and why that's healthy. Resistance manifests as self-sabotage (avoiding therapist/doctor), unhealthy coping (drinking, overworking), or negative voice saying "you're not transgender." Why? You're a mature adult who understands transition entails social elements, hormones, surgeries, and the world struggles to accept transgender identity. You know it comes with challenges, pain, loss, financial costs. That understanding creates resistance. Watch to find out why no resistance is a RED FLAG (shows naive worldview), why resistance helps set realistic expectations, and why by the time you decide to transition, you've already tried everything to cope with dysphoria.

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ABOUT DR. Z
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I'm Dr. Natalia Zhikhareva (Dr. Z), a licensed clinical psychologist specializing exclusively in gender dysphoria assessment and treatment for transgender and nonbinary adults.

20 years of focused practice | 7,200+ clients served | Court-appointed expert witness on gender identity in California

Most clients achieve meaningful clarity in 3-6 sessions through comprehensive assessment and targeted treatment—not 6-18 months of exploratory therapy.

Licensed in California, Texas, New York, and Florida. Telehealth available worldwide.

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DISCLAIMER
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This channel provides educational content for transgender and nonbinary adults. Videos are not a substitute for professional psychotherapy or medical advice. Content is based on clinical experience and is not intended to diagnose or treat any condition. Consult with licensed professionals for personalized care.

Dr. Z is a licensed clinical psychologist (she/her) and is not a medical doctor. Information about medical topics (hormones, surgery) is educational only—consult your physician for medical guidance.

#gender #genderdysphoria #transgender #nonbinary #genderidentity #gendertransition #gendertherapist #transhealth #transgenderwomen #transmann #enby #hormones #dysphoria #selfhelp #transformation

20 Comments

@DANNYinALBANIA 4 years ago

Great video..omg I denied being transgender male for 20yrs plus when I first found out about transgender. I didn't know about it because in the 70's there was no internet, so I just claim I was lesbian which I hated but it was all I knew..then when I learned about transgender it still was hard for me because I was like can't what will my family, friends and God do to me .I was scared and lost but I knew that was my path to be happy, not angry at the world, and be the man I have always been..but now I'm 3yrs on T, 1yr 2 month post op top surgery and next month about to do ALT Phalloplasty and I'm happy being a Transgender MALE. I am a man..tku for this video

@01harvey 4 years ago

I have been fighting this thing for 54 years and would not wish it on anyone. I finally came out 5 months ago. I know it is not a fad or a fetish, it is something I have to do or die. I try to explain it to the couple Cis friends I have and tell them that it has been there since I was 5 and I tell them all the discussing things I have done all my life because of this thing and they still don't get it. One of my friends thinks I should just cross-dress at home and be a man at work. I am almost to the point of not talking to Cis people about it anymore.

@AnnaTheFallMaiden 4 years ago

Not being short and petite is definitely one of the biggest inhibitors of me accepting myself. I built up this ideal version of what a woman looks like and not being able to look like that makes it super difficult to not feel disgusted about myself

In addition, I'm still dealing with the fallout of bullying when I was younger, where the girly in my class DESTROYED my self-esteem and I'm still scared of women and outright terrified of attractive women

@CrystalwithaK1980 4 years ago

I knew I wanted to be a girl very early in my life. I remember I was 9 years old when I looked in the mirror and said to myself out loud, "I don't just want to wear girls clothes, I want to BE a girl!" My parents and sisters never scolded or ridiculed me for putting on dresses, but I grew up in a time when "boys don't do that stuff." I tried playing sports (wasn't a half bad wrestler). After high school it was binge drinking and partying. I do wish I had started younger but I don't regret waiting. I wasn't ready then. And... I wouldn't have known the joy of being a parent. Although I wish I could've been her mom, my daughter is still my life. Not to mention my biggest supporter 😊. Thank you for the lovely videos Dr. Z. They really help me in my down times.

@SynthieFlowers 4 years ago (edited)

This video arrived just on time!
I'm extremely close to going on hormones. I've been waiting forever.
And I feel like there is now just this massive wall in front of me saying "no" "you aren't allowed to do this" "You're just mentally ill"
My brain is just throwing every reason it can at me for me to not go through with it.
But I know I have gender dysphoria. I know I hate being a man.
I've been on blockers for a few months and am so happy with how they've effected me.
Making this big step and going on Estrogen is just so terrifying

@salizharis 4 years ago

I discovered it a few years ago. I had a mental breakdown and started losing my hair and was depressed for two years trying to come to terms with it. Even while experimenting, my spouse would make me feel horrible for it all. She was one of the reasons I went to counseling because I didn't understand why this was happening to me. I told my brother who told me everyone is going to make fun of me and I'm going to lose friends if I transition. I told other friends who said I couldn't be because I was too old to start thinking this. There is more to the story on how my discovery drove me to this, but now I'm 3 weeks on HRT.

@PalacinkyPDX 4 years ago

Truly an important perspective on the realities of transitioning. Thank you! One of the scariest parts of the experience is it can feel like going into a dark tunnel and you don't know what it's going to be like on the other side... having one public identity you've relied on falling apart and what it's replaced with is... something forbidden and ridiculed. It takes a long time to feel integrated much less grounded.

@sharper20 4 years ago

I was so scared when I finally acknowledged being trans. I'd heard so much about the obstacles and risks involved and it really pushed me into a desperate sort of denial, wanting the desire of transition to go away or imagine some way I could repress it and maintain the easy comfort of a cis-normative life.

Eventually, I just realised that my only chance for happiness would be through transition. I'm still early, there's still plenty of challenges ahead, but I was able to move forward only when I accepted this as the only realistic pathway for me to be happy and comfortable in myself.

@bron506 4 years ago

When I first realized I was trans I was really shocked to hit the amount of internal resistance that I did. I've always felt like an ally to trans people, and always felt I really understood what they were going through, so I was kind of stymied as to why I hated the idea of being trans myself. I think this video hits the nail on the head -- that it's due to having at least some understanding of the magnitude of what it means. Major medical changes to the body, losses or big changes in relationships, financial burdens... transition is like playing life on extra hard mode, sometimes.
I think, like you suggest, the resistance was ultimately healthy for me. The decisions I needed to make were huge ones and they deserved a lot of thought. Working against that resistance was the process that helped me give everything the due consideration it deserved.

One thing I would say to others, though, is not to let the resistance rule you with too much fear. Mine did. I was so afraid. I'd never had surgery, and thinking about getting it was frightening. I knew my husband wouldn't want to make this journey with me and that I'd lose my marriage of fifteen years, and feared friends and family would feel the same. I worried I might be making the wrong choices, which terrified me because many of my transition goals involved permanent changes that couldn't be undone. Some of my fears were justified and it's good that I took a lot of time to think things through in preparation of what would happen. But many of my fears were unjustified and only stopped me from being so much happier so much sooner.

@thordecruise1019 4 years ago

Dr. Z, I resist my trans identity because I live in the South US- the bible belt. I work for a company thats very conservative and religious, so I'm really afraid of being rejected and fired. I need this job so bad to support my family, so I deal with the constant masc passing and not being myself. But it is destroying my mental health and I don't know how to not be crushed by the fact that I can't be myself. I'm so tired of hiding Dr. Z :(

@Suzinas 2 years ago

Imagine being stuck on an island for life.
On this island is enough food and a hutt to live in, but no other people. Just fruit trees and some animals.
You find a big mirror, a blank diary and a pen. Also a magic wand that lets you change your body in any way you like.
What you use that wand to do is the real you. What name you sign on the last page of that diary is how you wish to be remembered.

Accept that person is the real you before you make any decisions about life here off the island.

@gabrielle5623 4 years ago

Thanks for this video! I have spent a lot of time in denial, but once I realised I was transgender my dysphoria was crushing me so much I knew that transition was the only way in order to stay alive (and I was lucid enough at these time to know that dying would be worst for my relative than transitioning), so after weeks of constant panic attack where I couldn't move and self harm thoughts I didn't had the luxury to resist (if that would have been less strong I might have indeed search for ways to cope but I also prefer to be myself instead of live a life under antidepressants waiting to die).

@getsheffy 1 year ago

Dr Z, you've been helping me the past few weeks learn to accept the fact that I may be Trans. Still very early on in the process.

But I've made a "contract" with my feminine self to slowly socially transition just to better prepare myself for the possible inevitably that I may want to pursue medical transition in the future. This contract includes diet, exercise, taking care of myself, and consultations for laser hair removal/IPL.

For me its just giving that side I ignored for decades concessions as I continue to seek therapy and understanding of what I am going through.

@blackjack90631 4 years ago

Thanks again for another great vid Dr Z—Back in 2006 (I was 16) and I remember joining an online transgender forum and I would post my conversations with my therapist. I ended up buying like some hormones from another country and didnt want to order them to my home address so ended up using and having to walk to a UPS Po box. However when I turned 18 the gravity of everything caught up with me (lol early naivety) and I threw away all the medications, deleted my forums accounts and asked the moderators to delete all my therapy posts.

Now I am 31, back on medication. More experienced and mature. But yea, the resistance has been a constant back and forth until one day I understood that I could overcome whatever fears or challenges I needed to.

@heathergray98 4 years ago

I estimate that I repressed my feelings for a solid 8 years of my life. In that span of time I begin to dislike myself intensely. Nothing ever felt right about being male. Not a single thing. Ever since accepting myself and getting my parents support and acceptance I am on my way towards starting hormone replacement therapy. One unintended consequence of coming out to my parents was that my dysphoria is now more intense than it ever was, but I am seeking therapy weekly and taking the necessary steps to beginning HRT. Throughout my day I can experience intense euphoria and intense dysphoria. I really enjoy practicing makeup and looking online for clothes that I want to wear some day. But above all, since choosing to come out and coming to terms with my gender identity, I feel like I actually like myself now, even on more dysphoric days. It is extremely refreshing to no longer loathe myself.

@kierandesu2857 4 years ago

Love your videos and guidance as always.

My resistance was so bad that I actually suppressed it. I actually FORGOT that I took up a full-time job in order to facilitate a possible transition. Until the pandemic happened, I had time on my hands again and everything came back.

But even now, just like you said, I'm exploring every other possible avenue hoping that I don't have to go through a transition. A phase of some sort. Or hoping it's some other underlying issue. Autism. Childhood emotional neglect. Romanticizing the other gender. Confused about gender. Running away from assigned gender roles. Too depressed to think straight. Personality disorder. Schizophrenia. Bipolar. Maybe just really, really, really feminine, but still a man.

I have so much resistance that I'm wondering if that's a red flag in itself. How can I be so uncertain about my gender identity?

@davinamarshall2780 4 years ago

I'm a retired senior who grew up at a time when revealing you felt you're in the wrong body would probably mean a stay in the local mental facility so I suppressed
those feelings as best I could and nobody suspected. When the dysphoria raged I would usually drink beer until I became more or less numb and then I would fall
asleep. I couldn't understand these feeling that tormented me most of my life and there was little to nil information available about the condition. The first information
I found was about something called transsexuality and it was supposedly very rare (something like one in thirty thousand people) so I just knew that couldn't be me because
I was a strong alpha male so I continued the delusion and suppression. Through will power and sheer determination I was somehow able to keep the charade going until I
retired. Then, probably because I had lots of free time the dysphoria got so bad I hit the wall and could no longer suppress the feelings and was forced to seek help.

@michaelslutsky 4 years ago

Dr Z, I have to say this is one of my favorite videos you made. I have been transitioning medically for almost 6 months and still struggle with resistance (albeit a lot less so): 'am I really trans', 'is it a phase', 'maybe I can live as a man', etc. etc. etc. It's good to hear that not only is this healthy but that not questioning is actually the red flag. I have to say that the media narrative I grew up with is '4 year old amab insists he's a girl' - and this is what I understood to be trans people. I thought my questioning was a sign that I wasn't -- surely I would know if I were a girl like that 4 year old. Well I'm glad to hear that that's not the case for many (and somehow I honestly suspect, most) people.

@buisnesscat1415 9 months ago

I remember my therapist asking me to draw a self portrait, not only did I refuse to draw it most times but the few times I did accept I would want to throw it away, draw the least amount possible, or ruin it by covering it with black. I would feel angry and ashamed because I had to look at a part of myself I couldn't accept. It ended up being easier to portray myself as a bird instead.

@tonyhoughton6857 2 years ago

I denied being trans gender because I didn't want my family to be abused and ostracised as we lived in a rough area .and I have to admit I was scared of losing family and friends but in the end I couldn't deny who I am and I had to be true to myself and become strong and people will just have to accept me as the person I want to be