Thank you for sharing your journey so far. Just keep moving forward. I was a Christian for 42 years. Apologetics kept me in Christianity all that time and avoiding reading the other side. It hit me one day that in order to love the non-believer I need to understand their point of view like I would like them to understand mine. Golden rule I guess. So I started to listen and read the arguments from non-apologists so I could better love and communicate with the non-believer and slowly over time and many conversations I got to the point I could no longer believe Christianity is true. I never fell into depression like you though. I felt free, free to discover whatever. I found a new curiosity about science and no longer had to fear or maybe rationalize scientific discoveries. I was finally truly free to seek truth without fear. I find enjoyment now in simple things like seeing a sunset, listening to music, sipping a cup of coffee slowly, being mindful and present. I don't see how I can  follow any religion anymore but I do find that reading Tao and Zen sayings help me to appreciate the moment more fully and more mindfully. Some books I found helpful Spirituality for the Skeptic: The Thoughtful Love of Life by Robert C. Solomon (This is a philosophical book by a philosopher), The Demon-Haunted World: Science as a Candle in the Dark by Carl Sagan (This book just inspired me to more curiosity about the world), lastly I highly recommend a very simple book How to Sit by  Thich Nhat Hanh (on appreciating each moment of life). I will subscribe. Keep up the good videos and best of luck on your journey.

These are some very complex and difficult existential problems that you were faced with as such a young man. I went through a similar experience trying to answer the same questions, but I was 20 or so years old before I fought them. I can't imagine working thru these problems at your age. You are incredibly strong and brave for allowing yourself to contend with these very big questions about reality at your age. I guess that's one of the consequences of having the internet (I didn't have that resource). Anyway, if you still have questions or are unsure about your agnosticism, feel free to ask me. I feel like I have a of experience in the subject.

Hey Man, I went through something similar to you when I was about 15 and I became atheist (though im not an atheist anymore). I relate a lot to what you said about not finding joy in anything; I remember loving Fifa 23 and suddenly feeling so tired and sad that I didnt want to touch it anymore. What ultimately helped me wasn't changing my philosophical position on things, but it was therapy. I'm lucky that my family was very understanding and put me into Cognitive Behavioral therapy and that helped tremendously. I really just want to say that you should seek help at school, please talk to your counselor so you can get help from a mental health professional. If you have any questions please feel free to reach out. Im wishing you the best in your mental health journey

You said a lot here. I have several questions, but this topic is far too deep to have a conversation in a comment section. If you are interested, I would love to have a discussion with you about this. Let me know if you are at all interested.

Are you familiar with Brit Hartley? No Nonsense Spirituality? She is very good about talking listeners through the nihilism stage. She’s been a huge balm / help to me on my journey

Can't choose your family. Life will get a lot better for you when you go to college. Study hard and get good grades. Life will get better and you will find more happiness with independence. Don't do drugs, and I mean don't use nicotine or drink alcohol at all, not even once. Just go to school and do the work. Happiness comes with hard work. You're on the right road. Much better than where I was at your age. I'm 25 now, the hard work really pays off