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The 3-Date Rule To Finding (And Keeping) a Secure Partner

Adam Lane Smith

23,243 views

Struggling to feel secure, connected, or confident in your relationships? 💔

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CHAPTERS:

0:00 Why you're still single after dozens of dates
2:00 Why modern dating is designed to fail
4:15 The four levels of trust explained
5:00 Level zero: no trust (where everyone starts)
5:45 Level one: basic predictability
6:30 Level two: friendship trust
7:15 Level three: intimate trust
8:00 Level four: mutual fulfillment
9:00 Date one: primal chemistry (60-70% threshold)
10:30 The commitment conversation (exact script)
12:00 Where oxytocin bonding goes wrong
13:30 Date two: personal chemistry (70% threshold)
15:00 The two-thirds rule for men
16:15 Date three: attachment chemistry (80% threshold)
17:30 The vulnerability sharing structure (six steps)
19:00 The green flag response
20:00 Red flags disguised as vulnerability
21:15 Therapy language as a shield
22:30 The commitment conversation options
23:30 The first six months: what comes next
25:00 Oxytocin vs. vasopressin activities
26:30 Red flags in months 1-6
28:00 What happens when manipulative people get filtered out
29:30 For people who've been burned: the co-founder framework

#DatingAdvice #ThreeDateRule #AttachmentTheory #RelationshipAdvice #ModernDating #SecureAttachment #AdamLaneSmith #DatingTips #FindingLove #TrustInRelationships #AttachmentStyle #RelationshipCoaching #ValentinesDay #DatingFramework

20 Comments

@AttachmentAdam Creator 7 months ago (edited) Pinned

Struggling to feel secure, connected, or confident in your relationships? 💔

Build secure attachment through personalized coaching, structured programs, and expert-led courses that help you create lasting, healthy connections.

Get started today: https://adamlanesmith.com/work-with-me/?utm_source=youtube.com&utm_medium=social

@lifeonabudget8513 7 months ago

These rules also apply to online dating. None of this texting for a while until y'all meet in real life nonsense! If y'all live in the same town or at least nearby, meet them in-person within three days of the initial online encounter so you can start the process and not waste time. Talking from experience over here 😆

@maryjordan7957 7 months ago

THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!! THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Nobody EVER told me this stuff!!!!!!!!!!! THANK YOU, ADAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

@WhopyStompy 7 months ago

I'm so grateful for this video, among many, that you've posted. Never did "date" prior to my first marriage. So being out in the field at 40 is rough to say the least.

Went on my first date with a nice woman last week, and even SHE initiated the "commitment" discussion. Which threw me for a loop but was also a great surprise. But its as you said; no "spark." Just very easy going and upbeat conversation and an interest in a second date. I'm not sure if I'm more blown away at how at ease I am with this information guiding me or is it the fact that I feel I may have already found a secure person in search of something real.

Either way, I can't thank you enough for the info.

@cynthiawarren9379 7 months ago

Adam Lane Smith- I listen to your videos!😊 They are helpful!😊 I am working on healing myself as my family was toxic- my mom was a Narcissist based on her behavior. You cannot control the family you are born into- you can only work on healing yourself even if other family members are in denial of the toxicity.😊

@murakas2 7 months ago

@Adam Lane Smith, I'm soooo grateful for this video. It's of IMMENSE help - and for free! I wish I knew all this 30 years ago, at the beginning of my adult life. I wouldn't have wasted decades on the wrong matches. Now you've given me a tool to be more courageous in dating so I'll try again & I'll try this 3 date method. Thank you 🙏

@KhanyileM 7 months ago

I'm a red flag my self 😂😂
All my exes are crazy and I'm quick to check out

@wondernanda8 6 months ago

This is great! Hooray 🙌 Thank you!!🙏
I had stopped watching your channel because I found most of the great content I saw targeted people in relationships already - and never dis get around to asking you for more content on EARLY DATING! So here goes, more on Early Dating, please! And for divorced folks over 40, 50, 60, please? Thanks again for such rich information ✅✅✅

@EmiEmi-1987 3 months ago

I was married 2 times... they can be fake for far longer! 😢

@cleopatrajones7096 7 months ago

Very good Adam. And you look nice!

@pbschulz 7 months ago

Thank you for posting this. My son is at this point of his life, and I forwarded it to him. Great advice.

@Loveheart52 7 months ago

BEST ADVICE EVER!! Thank you! So well said!

@crfsuigeneris 1 month ago

Thank you! ❤

@denisthereal5657 7 months ago

I hope this video helps to who looking for a partner, but next time would you please make a video who looks for a wife or husband?

@Kati-Sun 7 months ago

Hi, i defenetly like your videos. It gave me a lot of new knowlege, good steps to analyse what bonding type I am and my expartner. It helped me to understand better why it dosnt work with him. It was to fast body bonding. I use the automaticaly translation in YouTube to watch your videos in German, it is amasing how good it works for me. But older videos arent translated, and thats a pitty, I cant get any of your Coachings because of language barrier. But non the less. Thank you for all information 🤗

@andreestrella488 7 months ago

I asked a lot of questions in the date 1, and then other questions through out the other dates. The intimacy started on day 2. After Date 3 she threw the "moving too fast" response. I asked her what she felt (she is an avoidant), she said she felt very scared, I was surprised to her response and I shared my feelings and we reconnected. I have been on a journey to reset my NS (anxious attachment with some avoidant embedded) and work on my body alarm sensations, regulating, self-soothe, etc. I have been inserting bonding moments and I need to address the questions, specifically about attachment chemistry and how (our attachment) could or is impacting the relationship (how it might have for her past and my past) and how we are going to support each other on this. We exchanged a lot of depth already... relationship vision, etc however she said in the begging to start casual as she has been pushed too quickly before (too much too soon). We are on date 6, I hope it is not too late to "steer the ship" and get clarity earlier.

@ChristianAmpem 6 months ago

Thank you for it

@Starbright921 7 months ago

I might be epheliac *ve had this problem most of my Life, *m 64 now.

@jo-annelegault3151 1 month ago

I am working on my trust issues, not easy I trust my Bff friends, I don’t trust man that I want to date, because usually the words don’t match there actions. So I am very passive with them.

@RyanHLee-nc7hg 7 months ago

The advice that you offer regarding dating has caused me to think of it in a new way. I admit that I am still trying to parse it all out, but it all seems logical. I have a question: Do you have suggestions about what types of activities we should do on the first, second, and third dates? Or do you think it matters?