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Stop Absorbing Other People’s Chaos

Jefferson Fisher

80,458 views

How do you stay compassionate without getting pulled into someone else’s chaos? In this call-in episode, I answer questions about setting boundaries with people who create constant turmoil, dealing with difficult relationship dynamics, and protecting your peace without becoming cold or detached.

We also talk about the communication advice every teenager needs, how to work through conflict with in-laws, what to say when someone makes your pain about them, and how to handle a parent who has chosen distance. These conversations are about staying kind, clear, and grounded when relationships get complicated.

I answer your questions.

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20 Comments

@zxawangaming3650 4 hours ago

Lorian Kade goes into why men can know every dating “rule” and still completely lose themselves when they actually care about the outcome. That might be the most interesting part of this whole thing.

@TexFam-12 3 days ago (edited)

Caller 3, whose sister passed. That was so poweful and you have a very kind heart. Thank you for sharing your story.

@amuseher 1 day ago

"You are not their solution." Exactly.

@SensitiveMenConversations 2 days ago

The distinction between having empathy for someone and actually feeling responsible for their feelings really resonates with me. I think when you're naturally very sensitive to what other people are experiencing, it's incredibly easy to cross that line without even realizing you've done it. I'm gradually learning that I can listen, care and be present with someone without automatically taking on the job of making whatever they're feeling better.

@cherylrobinson7876 3 days ago

Awesome content as always! Saw a different side to you, but obviously its been there all along. You are so present with your audience. That is your superpower.

@lovcatpurrs 3 days ago

People have a right to be unhappy, should they choose, including with us. We are conditioned to think that if we’re not doing anything wrong, they should be happy and not have any complaints. But some people will continue wanting more and more until boundaries are set, and when set, sit in resentment. They get to do that, if that’s what they want.
We only have jurisdiction on our wants and behaviors including setting needed boundaries; we do not have jurisdiction over someone else’s. This means that we don’t get to decide what the others’ correct response to our boundary setting is.

@CatharinePizzarello 2 days ago

You helped me get through my father's passing with my dignity and sanity intact. My sister wanted him all to herself and made it as difficult as she could. Dad and I were alone one day and we said our goodbyes. We forgave each other and gave each other our love. She was unable to get an ugly reaction from me, even though she made it hard right up to his dying day.

@HlueFa3876 1 day ago (edited)

Several viewers were touched by the caller that extended gratitude to Jefferson - a brother who persevered in calming his relationship with his sister by learning to curb reactivity and learn relationship-enhancing communication. That he was able to be a loving presence at his sister’s death is as Jefferson said, "...that's what it's all about" and "you'll never regret saying the kind thing".

This man’s story reignited my grief. My family has ingrained patterns of relating: burying kindness, support, and love under insecurity and hurt. Instead, we learned competitiveness, self-righteousness, and poisonous words and actions.

Cutting off from family for my health was sad but necessary. It’s a chronic grief with far-reaching effe cts on future generations. I do not blame any of my siblings for their way of relating; it is what we all learned. I still carry hope and pray for our estranged family, and try to keep reflecting on myself and learn from healthier sources But we are all in the latter years of our lives and a loving presence before or at death is worth hope & effort. Thanks.

@marcieseery2295 2 days ago

"When you, I feel" statements should not have the added, "it makes me feel" because no one can make you feel. It's, "When you say/do/etc., I feel hurt/sad/defeated..."
From a Juvenile Probation Officer dealing with high-level dysfunctional families on the daily married to a Marriage & Family Therapist doing same. When I hear, "It makes me feel" I stop the conversation. Own your own feelings, man. LOL
Also here to say I appreciate your channel and learn from every video. And I cried with you today listening to your impact on the brother who was able to put differences aside to hold his sister's hand at the end of her life; it is everything, as you said. Please keep doing what you're doing because the impact is broad and deep and lasting. Thank you, Jefferson.

@clutchctrl 2 days ago

Jefferson keep spreading your love. ❤

@SpecialK711 2 days ago (edited)

Final call involving estranged mother-daughter relationship. I was there, hurts terribly when those claiming to be our parents betray us, esp behind our backs and we learn about it from others. In my case, my mother never matured beyond the manipulative, hurtful tactics, she only pushed us farther away but I have peace knowing that I did everything possible to honor her and raise my own family with forgiveness and love. I pray you find the same resolve🙏

@Redeemed59 3 days ago

Lol at that gen z explanation. That was 'maxing'? lol I loved the phone call before that though. That was very thoughtful of that man. You ARE making a difference in other people's lives. Thank you.

@CatharinePizzarello 2 days ago

I think you have to get away from narcissistic people. They think they are entitled to do and say whatever they want. Any effort to get them to treat you better, to be honest with you, is met with rage. They will make you pay.

@hannahberlin450 22 hours ago (edited)

I think there’s a cut that happened between the guy who asked for advice about his friends’ drama. Instead of advice for that, the video cuts to advice about how to deal with someone who seems to make the conversation about themselves.

I did want to also say, this is a fantastic episode! I think a great way to validate someone’s pain and let them know they’re not alone is to say “I’ve been through something similar and I want you to know that I see you and can see why this would be hard. Thanks for sharing this with me. I love you.” This puts their pain front and center while throwing in a helpful piece of information that you understand a lot of that pain.

@RubyW7944 2 days ago

Keep the door cracked, excellent advice. Estrangement, removing "toxic" people from your life has become almost fashionable, but at some point it can catch up w/you and there will be regret. Learn how to find balance, keep them at bay for your own sanity, but allow for change and healing (that might never come,) at least you won't have guilt, sorrow, or pain to carry around. The brother and his sister story is a prime example of what I am trying to say. That was beautiful.

@DeborahReed-t2y 3 days ago

A great technique I have used in my dysfunctional family…I visualize being at a play…I’m present but just as an observer. 😊

@hausofflash 2 days ago

That was a beautiful call and I also appreciate everything you do.

@carladossantos1142 2 days ago

They didn't ask for fixing or solutions, but I also didn't ask to hear all that. Venting about a few details is one thing, going all out in all the details and length is another. It also shows the lack of boundaries and self-control of the complainer. It took me years to understand that I can say NO to people's venting, especially when it's surely emotional dumping. People say we should just listen, but there are some people who you have listened to for so long and are still doing the same because we enable it. People with chronic complaining are choosing to remain victims instead of finding solutions to their problems. And until you say no, they'll always surround you.