half of these are actually funny and the other half is just dudes who need therapy

'The avocado gave me a black eye' made me lose it. Laughed so hard I cried, that was so random, imagine explaining that to someone.

My dad has a funny/sad break up story. It was with his first wife. He got married young right out of high school to this girl. One month after they were married she tells my dad that she is going to go meet the parents of this guy she met. My dad was very confused and asked what she meant? She said she met this really nice guy and they have been dating for some time now and she is going to go meet his parents a few states away. She would be gone for a week. My dad again asked what she meant? They were married. They have been married for a month and living together. How has she been seeing some other guy for some time? How is she going to go meet his parents. She said that she didn't know if this is what she wanted for her entire life, she didn't know that my dad wanted this to be a forever thing. My dad said that is what one thinks when they get married. She left with her boyfriend and my dad chased her on his motorcycle until they stopped the car. He told her not to come back and that they were getting a divorce. She was just "ok" like she really could care less. She insisted that my dad really thought their relationship was more then it was. My dad said again WE WERE MARRIED! So yeah. My dad first marriage lasted 1 month. He laughs about it because he still doesn't understand how someone can misunderstand marriage like that.

I got dumped because I needed to cleanse my aura

My boyfriend dumped me because, apparently, a 'reliable source' told him that I snogged the face off, no less than 5 guys in one night. Those guys turned out to be my group of friends, whom I have been friends with for years and never dated nor ever wished to date. And the reliable source was a girl he barely spoke to and was widely renowned in our school for being a compulsive liar. I just laughed and said that if he is going to believe her over me, then I'm more than happy to end the relationship. He said he did believe her, so I walked off. After that he tried to contact me multiple times, but I wasn't having any of it. I have no idea what became of him in the end.

My dad's ex gf (who was legitimately, on-paper insane) pulled the whole, "NO, I'M breaking up with YOU!" thing when he tried to end it. I wasn't there but from the way he tells it it was pretty hilarious. She made a huge scene of "throwing him out" of her place even though he only came over to break up with her and screamed from her doorstep at anyone walking by that she was dumping him- all of which gave my dad a "good for you, buddy" look. Even funnier, she tried to get back together by saying that she *was undoing breaking up with him*. Long story short: Great dad, terrible taste in women. And yes, that includes my mom.

In middle School my homie broke up with his girlfriend in the middle of the school cafeteria on valentine's day. He gave her a box of chocolates with a note in it saying they were done.

"I just can't handle anymore that you're into anime!"

We meant on a RP forum for an American game popular with anime fans. She wanted me to private RP with her for her birthday where she aged down her character to a minor and asked me to r*pe him to death. She introduced me to now infamous videos of a woman crushing kittens as revenge for denying her.

But no. Apparently sharing photos of me dressed as an anime character made me the terrible one. Yes, I was going to break up with her but you know. Breaking up with a sadistic psycho is scary even over the internet. At least it prepared me for my other psycho ex...who I meant at an anime convention. The moment that one demanded sex, I put my foot down and told her we're done. Apparently when it comes to women, I attract psycho sex addicts.

9:22 that sounds like the start of an awesome friend group, yall shouldve gone for a beer after or somethin and stayed in touch

My ex: I'm breaking up with you. What do you mean "okay"? Right, I'm really breaking up with you!

An hour later: Why haven't you texted me? That's so rude. I never want to speak to you again!

7:12 - 7:21 "Dumb & Dumber" reference. Nice!

i'm sorry but the "oh man/oh matt" is so funny cuz why are u moaning "oh man"

Can't really consider this a break up but here's mine: I decided after being 21 and never having had a boyfriend to try online dating in Feb, I met a guy the 3rd Wednesday of March and decided to meet him at a casual restaurant that weekend. He was a bit shy and awkward but I put it down to nerves, I'm shy, awkward and socially anxious myself. We both said we had a good time and wanted to go on a second date but he didn't pressure me to set on up right away knowing I was new.

We texted almost daily which I wasn't expecting (I don't expect to be attached - even virtually- to the hip with a S/O, especially like that so early) and kind of got a bit overwhelmed and started second guessing if I was actually ready for dating and commitment (I'm not the type who could never do casual stuff) but I didn't let it interfere with our interactions and possibly spoil it.

Literally like 1 week later just as I was getting the courage to set up a second date, our county went into lockdown and a stay-at-home order. So we kept chatting and decide we can try to video chat a few times instead during the month. I have high anxiety surrounding an event with webcams and it took another week and a half after that before I plucked up the courage to do so (I also had surgery on the Friday of that 1st week, so we didn't talk much the last half and I wanted to wait a few days so that some bruising could go down), we added eachother on Instagram and FB and the video date went pretty well, we streamed a movie together and then talked for a few hours he seemed more comfortable after all our talking, and he finally opened up a tiny bit more. Previously he offered very little information, he never really volunteered anything, even when I gave him an opening by doing it myself. Even asking him didn't reveal much. It didn't seem like he was hiding anything per se, more like he didn't want to disclose too much to a stranger or he just didn't realize (he said he had been suspected of having mild autism in response to me telling him one of my brothers had Asperger's).

Then the next day (Friday week 4 of knowing him) he answers my txt and also tells me that he's "Sorry but he wants to try to text every few days instead..." basically because he felt that he didn't have a lot to talk about or interesting going on so he wanted to wait so we'd both have some more info to talk about.

My heart sunk when I read that, already fearing the worst, but refusing to fall into my old habits of believing the worst in people and instead giving him the benefit of the doubt. I didn't get a chance to answer that though because my mom came up and went on a tirade at me (me being the only person home then to vent her frustration on), which left me drained and emotionally off-kilter so I didn't want to text anyone and accidentally do something weird or bad.

So I text him the next day explaining, he knew my relationship with my mom was a bit rough, and I thought that it would be an appropriate time to vent a little/ show some more negative emotions, seeing as how he complained almost everyday while he was at work about rude customers and stuff and about his step-dad not liking him, and I had always been nice, polite, understanding and also capable of viewing things from other people's perspectives, and try to show those as well.

I never got an answer, and when I looked the following morning on my phone the app notification said he had used the app at around like 8am the previous morning (it wouldn't have bothered me except for the previous 2 days, I had seen him on only twice since we started talking, I was actually on a few times a week, mostly to read the materials/tips & advice and because I kept accidentally clicking on the email links).

So I waited 2 more days and messaged him again, asking if he was ok and general hello text. Nothing. Waited 3-4 more days and notice he's been on the app again since, but hasn't looked at my profile since the day after we matched over 4 weeks ago. I sent him a message in the app this time, again saying hello and wondering if he ok, and also giving an out by saying that maybe his phone was broken or something or mine was acting up weirder than normal.  The next day I looked he had moved his account into Hidden mode, no one could see or look for it, the only reason was I could even see it existed was because of our messages, but nothing else.

He still left me added on Instagram and FB though,  I removed him after 2 more days. Loser. Who the hell just ghosts somebody like that? And after going on about how much fun he'd had only the night before. He said he's had 2 previous GFs, one they broke up for health reasons (suspicious and strange), the latest he supposedly dated for 3 months but she made him feel uncomfortable or something so he broke up. I knew that should've been a sign but I chose to ignore it. 🤷‍♀️ Whatever. I only knew him for a month, obviously it was one sided and I refuse to give a damn about him.

The last one was so violently new Orleans

In college my now ex parted ways due to realizing we work better together as friends. Still consider her one of my best friends

I was listening to this video in the background while cooking and I have  never been so glad I misheard something when I got to around the 8:00 mark. I thought they said 30 year old and his 13 year old gf.

It was awful at the time, but it's funny today. My mom left on the night following Christmas Day when I was 10 years old, while my brothers and I were asleep. The following afternoon my dad informed us; we hadn't even noticed she was gone.

Liz: the first time I met her I kicked her out of my taxi.
The last time I saw her I kicked her out of my taxi.

Well, when I was 22 I was returning a jacket to a guy I was simply just sleeping with, we didn't have a real relationship, nothing long term. We were both single and super busy with school and working at the same time to be invested in anything superficial, well anyway I was returning this jacket at his request and was caught off gaurd when his mom was at his apartment and she comes to the door all excited about meeting me cause he told her I was his girlfriend. It was ackward, I was stunned I was put in a weird on the spot situation to come straight into his apartment and behave a fool. I kept giving him the look of deranged murderer if he doesn't fix this or set everything straight. I lost my patience after two hours of this lady attempting to bond with me I had to force myself to stage a break up rigth then and there. She was probably horrified. But I didn't want to be insincere or drag it on too deep.

10:47 That happened to me, she broke up with me over text just saying she didn't think it would work out. I wasn't going to argue with her because we hadn't been able to date because lockdown had started not very long after we were official.