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The Practical Handbook for Dealing with Cluster B and Borderline Women

Hannah Spier, MD

68,331 views

10 Rules ###
0:00 10 Rules (Introduction)
0:45 #1 Identify the Cycle
6:58 #2 Protection
8:59 #3 Break the Cycle
11:51 #4 Create a Behavioural Firewall
12:45 #5 No Debates, No Explanations, No Justifications
13:16 #6 Withdraw Access When Manipulation Appears
13:43 #7 Do Not Be Taken Hostage by Suicidality
15:24 #8 Do Not Regulate Their Emotions For Them
16:48 #9 Ask: Are These My Feelings?
17:22 #10 Grieve the Fantasy

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Few personal catastrophes match the damage of becoming entangled with a Cluster B woman. Although Cluster B formally includes borderline, narcissistic, histrionic, and antisocial personality disorders, women are vastly overrepresented in the first three: borderline, histrionic, and narcissistic. These disorders share a common core of emotional volatility, impulsivity, unstable attachment, and manipulative relational styles. Most individuals show a mix of traits rather than one pure type, yet the relational pattern is always the same. Anyone who has lived through it knows the feeling: walking on eggshells, doubting their sanity, and clinging to brief moments of intensity that never last. These dynamics overturn lives every day.

What follows is a way out for those who have been pulled into this pattern and cannot understand why it persists or why it feels impossible to leave.

20 Comments

@animusadvertere3371 10 months ago (edited) Pinned

### 10 Rules ###
0:45 #1. Identify the Cycle
6:58 #2. Protection
8:59 #3. Break the Cycle
11:51 #4. Create a Behavioural Firewall
12:45 #5. No Debates, No Explanations, No Justifications
13:16 #6. Withdraw Access When Manipulation Appears
13:43 #7. Do Not Be Taken Hostage by Suicidality
15:24 #8. Do Not Regulate Their Emotions For Them
16:48 #9. Ask: Are These My Feelings?
17:22 #10. Grieve the Fantasy

@thomassmart4088 10 months ago

"feeling emotions very intensely does not make you empathic" - Dr Spier
(keeping this one)

@zurawno 10 months ago

"We'll talk when you are calm 😂"
One century later...

@matthewbrown8679 9 months ago

Vulnerable narcissists love their own boundaries. Once they learn the concept it becomes their favorite word. But don't try to impose boundaries on them.

@entropiated9020 10 months ago

I had an ex who would threaten self-ending. One day, when she threatened to drive her car off a bridge with her daughter (not my child) with her, I called the police. She looked so foolish being followed into the house with a police escort... and she never pulled that crap with me again. I left soon after.

@obsequious_obsolescence 10 months ago

this is one of the most accessible crash courses in borderlines i've seen. i've was married to a borderline for years. i put up constant suicidal threats, sabotaging of friendships, lies, upon lies, endless manipulation... but also love bombing and being a favorite person. borderlines are not people we are taught to watch out for. and they are great at blending in and taking advantage of good natured people. they have a completely warped sense of reality. for those dealing with a borderline i suggest finding the book walking on eggshells, it can be eye opening.

@gdheckman 9 months ago

I ended a friendship with someone that seemed to be one of these kinds of people. The description of a toddler with adult vocabulary and capabilities is 100% correct.

@nchhimfinch214 9 months ago

As a woman, after experiencing ‘friendships’ with women like this I’m VERY aware of any, man or woman, confiding their ‘victim hood’ to me when getting acquainted. RED FLAG! Run!

@elmo_sputterspark 10 months ago

Never forget: they don't love you, they never had and the never were.
They only were obsessed with an avatar of yours, they created in their heads.

@derekburge5294 10 months ago

Wise words from a fellow who went through it: it's not the best sex you've ever had; it's just the most intense. Intimacy with someone you have a real, shared love with will be more satisfying in the long run.

@DevAndDistortion 10 months ago

Love this channel. As a guy who got his heart shattered a year ago by his first Cluster B woman, much more information like this needs to exist out there.

@bolt-dbtfg 10 months ago

LEAVE. LEAVE. LEAVE

@101dendroaspis 9 days ago

I dated a cluster B woman about 15 years ago; the gaslighting was next level. I remember washing my face in front of the mirror one morning and asking myself WTF are you doing? I knew then it was time to call it off.

@lxHowlxl 9 months ago

I survived a long-standing relationship with a woman with Borderline Personality Disorder. She had made just enough "progress" to use it against everyone she knew, and I was very naive. The sad part is that once you're in the midst of it, it takes a great deal for you to see the cycle. It wasn't until she vilified and rejected me, and that she turned many of my friends against me, that my real friends picked me back up. It's deepened my connection to people with the strongest integrity and love in my life, but I'll never be the same again.

@animusadvertere3371 10 months ago

Thanks for doing this. I wish I'd known sooner. One of my long-term gf's was, in retrospect, cluster B to the extreme. She was also highly intelligent, which made her all the more difficult to handle. She consumed my lifetime limit of empathy and very nearly literally killed me.

@jimp7042 5 months ago

Learned my lesson 35 yrs ago. Gorgeous blonde, chased her, finally caught her. Every Cluster B behavior mentioned. Including suicidality. I went to a therapist. One visit!!. She said “nothing will change until you break up”. Duh!! I broke up. One visit! Common sense. Still makes me laugh! Best advice I ever got. Lots of calls trying to get me back. Then tried to create jealousy. Anyway’s I used to tell my wife of 30 years my greatest compliment is that she’s “normal”. She didn’t get it for a while but now she does.😂 Love this real advice!! More is needed for victims of these emotional terrorists! Thank you!

@WilliamMuratVideos 9 months ago

I was involved with a cluster B woman 20 years ago. It was the most painful relationship I had until this day. By far! Watching Dr. Spier talking about this issue gave me flashbacks. Very bad flashbacks. I remember feeling guilty all the time. It was so tiresome... She was always putting me in impossible situations and mind games.

I was young and very naive and inexperienced. Easy prey for sure. Until today I don't recall how I had the strength to leave that situation.

It was very good to watch this video. It helped to explain a lot of that situation in my past.

@alexs6250 10 months ago

This is my mom. It was eye-opening to read the book about BPD when I was 40

@Deb-o7n 4 months ago

The higher the level of psychopathology, the more perfect they present themselves in the beginning. Take ANY red flag that you see seriously as there will undoubtably be a few that slip out which may be quite subtle and do not simply let them explain them away. These people can literally ruin your life forever, especially if you are a caring and giving person.