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Your Kid's Non-Negotiable Needs

Good Inside

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Every child has four non-negotiable needs - and meeting them changes everything about how they grow up.

Dr. Becky sits down with physician and author Dr. Gabor Maté to break down the four non-negotiable needs every child is wired for: secure attachment, unconditional rest within the relationship, the freedom to feel all their emotions, and free, spontaneous play in nature. They also dig into oppositional defiance, deeply feeling kids, sleep training, and how resilience and empathy actually get built.

0:00 Intro
1:12 Oppositional Defiance & the "Deeply Feeling Kid" Label
7:59 Non-Negotiable Need #1: Secure Attachment
8:35 Non-Negotiable Need #2: Rest & Unconditional Love
8:58 Non-Negotiable Need #3: Experiencing All Emotions
11:16 Non-Negotiable Need #4: Free, Spontaneous Play in Nature
14:03 Community Q&A: Sleep Training
20:58 Community Q&A: Building Resilience & Empathy

Watch Next: Deeply Feeling Kids Need a Different Approach Deeply Feeling Kids Need a Different Approach
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20 Comments

@Day_byday 2 years ago

[ 4 non-negotiable needs ]
1. having a secure attachment with parent
2. rest - doing nothing to make the relationship work (unconditional love)
3. be able to experience all emotions
4. free spontaneous play out in nature

@6886butterfly 2 years ago

If i see Dr. Gabor Mate’s name on a title i quickly click on it and listen to him because i know an imperfect parent like me will learn a lot from him. Thank God for people like him. For his wisdom and the courage to share it🙏🏻☝🏻

@sunnyday4055 1 year ago

One of the best things I’ve learned about having a baby is: slow down.
We go through life in such a hurry with everything deadlines and exams and due dates when kids come we treat milestones as dead lines we NEED to finish by.
When I had my first son he completely refused to sleep in a cot by himself and i tried every single method to encourage him. I imagined myself as these mothers with no boundaries who has her six year old in the bed with her.
Then I just gave up trying i opened his cot and put it adjacent to our bed whenever he woke up he used to crawl to us and sleep next to me he did that every night.
When he turned 2 I put his cot in his room and put him in his cot he kissed me good night and went to sleep
Been sleeping in his own ever since.

@ummizaansabir4869 1 year ago

Yes I did that for my child! When she was crying herself to sleep I was crying in the shower! I am from Ethiopia we don’t have a such thing! I thought I was being smarter than my parents!!!😢😢😢😢😢😢 I learned now they are right and I was wrong

@albinabezdetko8512 1 year ago

Dr Becky, your script repair regarding sleep training had me sobbing like a baby... so yes it matters

@InkblottedPages-sz1be 2 years ago

Kids “act out” when they don’t have their needs met.
Basic needs 8:00
1)Secure attachment -emotional 2) rest -knowing they don’t need to constantly do something in order to make the relationship work “I love you if you’re compliment” 3)the ability to experience all emotions 4) free spontaneous play in nature

@Chem-u8 1 year ago

Thanks for talking about this. Sleep training hasn’t come naturally as I simply cannot hear my baby cry without running to her. My baby is supposed to behave like a child, not an employee

@gabibmw 1 year ago

I'm from Brazil and no, you don't leave a baby crying. Period. My heart breaks to just think about it. How can anyone do this to their own child?! I'm incapable of doing that. my baby cries, I need to comfort him. I have a physical and biological impulse to help him. I don't understand how anyone can do sleep training. CIO is imo a source of mental issues in adulthood. Just by looking around there's a lot more emotionally messed up adults here in the US than in Brasil and South America in general.

@caymankatie 1 year ago

Dr Mate and Dr Kennedy…. I could listen to these two talk for hours about parenting therapy, absolute most influential experts and I’m so grateful for it!!!!

@believer2734 1 year ago

I’m very grateful to find this. I am with my & yr old granddaughter often & she easily gets mad if she doesn’t call the shots, controlling, & I want to soothe her attitude & ask her how she is feeling & maybe help her learn to recognize how she feels & express it with words or positive behavior. Dear Jesus, help me help her. She can be so kind if she wants & then later…brutal😮 🙏🏻

@nehaahmed9046 1 year ago

I absolutely love to hear Dr.Gabor as a child and a pregnant mum.
His teachings and explanations are so on point.
I come from a bad childhood and Dr. Gabor gives me the strength to be a better parent than i had.
Eternally grateful 🙏🏻

@Roloves-frank 2 years ago

The conversation about resilience is eye-opening.
The meaning of “rest” is huge. 🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼
The discussion on sleep training and empathy are warming my heart.

@thescowlingschnauzer 2 years ago

At about 11:15 Gabor Maté lists the 4 needs as attachment, relationship, rest (times when the relationship does not depend on them), and play.

@Erisactivations 1 year ago (edited)

I made CHOICES that meant my child was not an economic burden once she was born that required me to go back to work. This is not an impossibility, however majority of couples put their material needs far above the needs of the child they selfishly chose to have merely as a check box of deeming themselves successful along with the house and the car. The child is a sentient being, not a house or a car and should be prioritised accordingly. Otherwise don’t have a child/children! You don’t deserve to!

@Kalebius13 2 years ago (edited)

Thank You both so much I cried and smiled cried again and then ☺

So much Love 😍

My hand is on my heart and even though I struggle on the outside I remain good on the inside

Have prepared a special breakfast 🥣 for my 8 year old boy and my 65 year old mom

I really really really needed to hear this talk

Thanks Again and so many blessings to both of you your families and all the others and theirs listening 👂 into this talk .

You are loved
From #SouthAfrica

@heatherwallace3397 1 year ago

Sleep training… you don’t have to leave the room and shut the door. You don’t even have to leave the baby’s side. The baby is upset because they aren’t used to the change (laying baby down awake instead of feeding to sleep.) So you can be there with your baby and support your baby emotionally.. and your baby may not stop crying at all as you’re shushing and providing gentle touch, but that doesn’t mean the situation is wrong. The cortisol level rises. And the cortisol level lowers. And you can see that their breathing and heart rate slows down. And you are connecting FULLY with the child the next day which as you said mitigates any negative effects. (Thank you for saying that!)