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The Partner Who Stays vs. The Partner Who Leaves: What I've Observed in 20 Years of Trans Couples.

DR Z PHD - Gender Specialist | Transgender Adults

12,364 views

One of the first questions people in relationships ask Dr. Z: Do you think my partner will stay if I take steps toward gender transition or authentic gender? She gets why you're asking. Your partner is probably the most important relationship in your life. So you want to know—what are the odds? What predicts whether partner stays or leaves? Is there anything you can do to increase chances of staying? Over 20 years, Dr. Z worked with many couples navigating one partner's gender transition. She's observed these relationships over time, sometimes years after initial disclosure, and noticed patterns in which partnerships survive and which don't. Watch as Dr. Z shares five most common patterns that determine whether partners stay or leave.

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ABOUT DR. Z
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I'm Dr. Natalia Zhikhareva (Dr. Z), a licensed clinical psychologist specializing exclusively in gender dysphoria assessment and treatment for transgender and nonbinary adults.

20 years of focused practice | 7,200+ clients served | Court-appointed expert witness on gender identity in California

Most clients achieve meaningful clarity in 3-6 sessions through comprehensive assessment and targeted treatment—not 6-18 months of exploratory therapy.

Licensed in California, Texas, New York, and Florida. Telehealth available worldwide.

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DISCLAIMER
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This channel provides educational content for transgender and nonbinary adults. Videos are not a substitute for professional psychotherapy or medical advice. Content is based on clinical experience and is not intended to diagnose or treat any condition. Consult with licensed professionals for personalized care.

Dr. Z is a licensed clinical psychologist (she/her) and is not a medical doctor. Information about medical topics (hormones, surgery) is educational only—consult your physician for medical guidance.

#gender #genderdysphoria #transgender #nonbinary #genderidentity #gendertransition #gendertherapist #transhealth #transgenderwomen #transmann #enby #hormones #dysphoria #selfhelp #transformation

20 Comments

@NinaMarieGutierrez 10 months ago

My wife stayed with me. 43 years strong. We address each other as Sisters. LOL My daughter, granddaughter, grandson, and son-in-law accept me. My daughter grew up with me being trans female. It wasn't easy to grow together but I truly believe love prevailed.

@MissSaraCrescent 10 months ago

My girlfriend of 6 years left me, but I’m fortunate in that we’ve become good friends. 😄

@MrX-X-X 10 months ago

I've a trans guy and I had it stuck in my head that I could never be loved in a romantic relationship because of my downstairs situation. I'm at the point I look like a cis guy and people are often surprised to find out I am not. I learned I was trans at 30 (I'm 35 now). I'm recently gotten involved with a girl who loves me exactly as I am and she wouldn't change anything. Given me a lot of confidence. Dating as a trans person can be very hard!

@ChloeGladding 10 months ago

Hi I was upfront from day one 29 years ago decided at age 62 to trans no problem 64 now we are strong and happy .

@ayladavis3195 10 months ago (edited)

My wife knew for years. She saw me struggle. She encouraged me to take hormones Her continual focus was on whether or not I would physically and socially transition; and on whether I would retire at 60 which I could afford - while she kept working. In the end she made a decision - first she asked for a financial separation and a guarantee that I would never transition. I said that I didn't see that as a reasonable position and couldn't promise as I didn't know if I would need to fully transition. 3 days later she said that she wanted a divorce as I needed to transition and that she couldn't be married to a woman. This made my decision easy. We separated a month later after 34 years of marriage and I planned a full transition

Years later I am happier. She appears ok but says she lost her best friend. She has jokingly suggested that we get on so well that we should remarry - I was quite blunt and said that I had spent decades not being seen and that it still hurt so no, remarrying was not possible

Now I have another issue as my very best cis gf strongly identifies as a hetero woman and while we clearly love each other her identity makes an intimate relationship extremely unlikely

Life is complicated 😂

@Journey-of-1000-Miles 10 months ago

Fortunately, me being transgender has nothing to do with why my relationship is falling apart. lol.

@BrigidtheMechLady 10 months ago

My wife stayed, but the fourth category has cut a little close to home. I need to check in and make sure she's taking care of her own needs too.

@AutumnA2025 10 months ago

I got lucky, I came out to my wife as transfeme. She told me she suspected I was and that it didnt change how she felt. She helped me figure my name out and gives me my shots ^^

@Rawfangirl 10 months ago

Idk I’m kinda glad that I haven’t been on my first relationship yet and I’ve been working on myself first while I’m single

@alixofswords 10 months ago

Feeling so lucky to be in a t4t marriage, we get to explore this stuff together

@edgartokman4898 10 months ago

You can still discover you're trans even after going through puberty. Puberty can be a difficult and confusing time, and many people don't find the language to understand their identity or have a supportive environment until later in life. For some, it is the changes of puberty that bring their feelings to the surface, while for others, the realization comes later in life when they are exposed to new ideas or have the space to reflect.
Your gender identity is your own to define, and there is no single way to be trans.

@SpiritoftheWoods863 10 months ago

We're so lucky to have you Dr Z. Thank you! ❤🎉☘

@Julee-y4f 9 months ago

Great video Dr. Z, thank you.
After carrying decades of shame about my inability to suppress the urge to crossdress, I’ve finally come to accept my bi-gender identity and the need to express a more feminine side of myself.

For years, between a demanding career and family life, it never felt like the right moment to share these confusing feelings with my partner. Now that I found clarity and self acceptance, I worry it may be too late to avoid the understandable hurt that can come from having kept so much inside.
I need therapy to understand how to open up to my partner slowly, gently, patiently, and honestly, to involve her in the process, as suggested here, and navigate next steps together, whatever they will be.

I’m searching for a therapist within my insurance network who has real experience with gender-identity isuues, but they’ve been difficult to find — and no one seems as knowledgeable and as thoughtful as you, Dr. Z. Thank you for the guidance you offer here.

@1cr19 9 months ago

My ex-wife was the one who encouraged me to explore my gender. I’ll always be grateful to her for that, even after the reasons for our divorce.

It was my family and friends who couldn’t stay.

I have nobody now. I haven’t had a conversation with someone who isn’t my sister/roommate in 17 days.

@norcalgardening5959 9 months ago

I started HRT a month ago at 40 years old. My partner and I have been together for a year and a half. For the time we have been together I have always identified as non-binary. I had been in therapy as well. By the time I decided to start HRT and get an appointment, it happened quickly and fully disclosing to my partner from her perspective felt sudden and rushed. While it was sudden, it wasn't a big surprise to her. I got my prescription and didn't start it immediately. I gave her time to process, we talked and had several conversations. I listened to her fears and addressed some not all. About a week later she felt better about me starting. Since then she has been incredibly supportive, I had to remind myself while its a process for me, it is for her as well. We are both navigating everything and I am incredibly thankful.

@RaeRaesRaveReviews 10 months ago

i think the first couple you mention isnt necessarily a rigid identity issue, its a sexual attraction issue. im also a straight woman, and it isnt repression or anything I just know what i am attracted to. unfortunately my spouse has confessed to gender dysphoria for the entire time we have been married, 20 years, and told me he was able to push it down for the first 10 years of our marriage. unfortunately has been hiding it from me for 10 years because of fear i would leave, and slowly removing parts of himself that I personally find attractive. and now im really struggling and there just isnt any way for me to continue because of the deceit and gaslighting, even though he says he doesnt want to transition.

@jwom6842 10 months ago

A lot of this content resonated with me and also my wife. I have known about my identity for around 13 years, my wife only about a year so our time lines are out so to speak. My wife encourages my transition regards electrolysis, hormones and expressing myself within the house and online. Whenever I raise the subject of going public with the people we know personally, there is an instant shitt in her demeanour. My transition is effectively a wildly wheel spinning Lamborghini, my wife's reluctance being the breaks, which I understand and I am patient, I can wait. My fear is however, that my wife will never be happy for me to be fully me outside, amongst the people we know, so I guess it's wait and see. I'm thinking that she is deeply attached to the concept of being married to me, the man the world has known for many, many years. It's a crushing feeling in a way, the world looks at you, considering you a success, when you consider yourself far from that. We love each other, there is no doubt and I always thought that if we love someone unconditionally, that would always be enough, if my wife told me she was a trans man, I could get used to that and accept it, but now I realise it is about how we have connected our sense of self worth to our partners gender. I'm glad I know as knowledge is power. I'm very tall, a member of a well known mens only organisation, well, it's percieved as that, although that's not strictly the case in the UK and am well liked as a man, well I think I am! 🤣 I guess this is part of the problem, I'm kind of paying the price for playing the man role too well. Knowing all of this, my plan is the same, to consider my wife's needs at all times and hope that with time, she will see me the woman, not simply me, the man who takes hormones and wears female clothes occasionally. I wouldn't say that on other channels but I know that you will absolutely understand the difference! 🙂❤️ Wonderful content and as insightful as ever, thank you Dr Z 🙏

@christopherkennick7275 10 months ago

This topic is difficult for me. I discovered I was non binary, and felt very feminine....and it was only after several years in therapy that it finally clicked. My wife understood, telling me she had had thoughts that perhaps I was more female than male; and eventually she left....Very Painful.

@kendraJ6719 10 months ago

I was finally able to sit and watch this entire video. I was hesitant at first, afraid of what I might find out. But, this is probably the best video of yours I have seen. You have done such a wonderful job of explaining these patterns and make them relatable and understandable. Is it possible to have been part of, or engaged in, every one of these patterns? Because I can recognize myself and my wife in each of these, in one way or another. The way you have presented this has provided such an eye-opening perspective and I am so grateful.
At this point, and coincidentally very recently, it has become clear that my marriage is not going to survive. The most relevant patterns are that i waited too long to come out, and i made too many decisions on my own. Further, my wife's identity as a straight woman simply won't allow for a continued romantic relationship. And lastly, our kids are now grown and graduating college. It is time to move on. I feel it too, but the unknown future is such a scary thought. Thank you, Dr Z! This video was wonderful.

@LuminaSilica 10 months ago

Amazing video! It would have been incredibly helpful for me to see 4 years ago. That said, it wouldn't have saved our marriage. It turned out that all along, my ex's mental health and addiction issues were far more serious than I'd ever realized. She hid them well. But eventually, it all fell apart. No matter what I'd done, it wouldn't have been enough without commitment on her part to getting better. We ended up separating after a year. Heartbreaking, but I'm glad I got a fresh start.