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THIS Makes an Avoidant Start Chasing You (Obsessed With You for Good)

UNDERSTANDABLE

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Welcome to today's episode! In this video I share with you from first hand experience as an avoidant myself what makes an avoidant chase you and obsessed with you.

► Links and Resources:
The Avoidant’s Idea of a Healthy Relationship Video: The Avoidant's Idea of a Healthy Relations...
Deactivation Video: Healed Avoidant Reveals the #1 Reason Avoi...
My Rock Bottom Video: Healed Avoidant Describes The Exact Moment...

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► Episode Timestamps:
00:00 Introduction
01:24 Disclaimer: "Getting Your Ex Back"
05:40 The Gottman Question
07:33 #1: Understand Their Core Wounds
11:02 #2: Go Full No Contact
15:47 #3: Build a Life Without Them
19:12 #4: When They Come Back
20:39 The Power of Compassion
24:41 #5: What You Can Change
28:42 What You Should Never Accept
31:31 Summary

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E-Mail: info@understandable.net

► Hi, my name is Robert! I make videos about how to build stable, secure relationships without losing yourself or waiting forever for the “perfect” partner. :)

► Disclaimer: None of the contents are therapeutic or medical recommendations. The contents are not to be understood as therapeutic-medical instructions and are neither intended as professional health advice nor as education.
I am not a health professional myself. My content is based on research and my personal experiences working with various therapists as a client for three years.

20 Comments

@understandablepodcast Creator 5 days ago Pinned

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@Milou2000 5 days ago (edited)

c'est le manque de communication et la froideur qui fait le plus mal .La compassion n'aide pas du tout au contraire ça le conforte dans son évitement.

@juboo4451 4 days ago

Thankyou for your speech about the wish to control others, this is something that especially anxious people have to learn so much. Our need to control others is one of our worst traits.

@juboo4451 3 days ago

tbh, it's your biography that makes me not want to be compassionate for "my" avoidant: I can only imagine how hard it must have been for your ex girlfriend to be so super empathetic only to help you be the person who can actually be in relationships with other people, but still not with her.

In another video you stated that on the journey you realized that you in fact needed something different than your ex partners. Also this sounds so devastating for me: in the end it has been your girlfriend who wasn't "good enough" for you all the way long.

I have to admit: it would make it worse for me when I hear that "my" guy is capable of intimacy with the next girl but not with me. I guess that's normal, relationships are built on wanting, on some form of egoism. You can't switch this off.

This isn't meant to be as a critique, not at all (I love your work!), it's just some of the negative thing that come into my mind.

@violetcrush8867 3 days ago

At this point all I want is to run away from FA, if only I can spot them from a far 😂

@rhadiem 5 days ago (edited)

Video idea: where someone blocks you without a word when you reach out, but then watches you at a distance. Is seen in proximity to you at unusual times and known hot-spots, and drives unusual bot-behavior on your stories. What's she waiting for? Any direct action triggers a flight/block response, but activity always returns.

@adalaya56 4 days ago

Steps to be with an avoidant:

1. Break up with them. It can't be fake. You have to genuinely mean it.
2. Build a new life without them. Become a new version of yourself. Deprioritize romantic partnership.
3. When they come back, don't take them back.
4. Then, after not taking them back, let them back in your life, but with no labels or pressure at all.
5. Remember to always be compassionate, understanding, and empathetic towards them and their core wounds. And, by no means, never never revert to or be the earlier version of yourself that cared.

Poof: now you're back in a relationship. But they have their own apartment. And you don't see each other. And they see other people.

@Cornelius1212 5 days ago

4 years since a brutal discard by my FA ex. Never going to hear from her again. So NO they don't always come back, no matter how good or deep the relation.

@cozydeegames 3 days ago

I’m in a push pull currently. I’m the anxious/empathetic one. I always lead with compassion but I’m getting tired. Like he has really opened up over the past few weeks about his trauma but still nothing. And we are long distance with no commitment. I’m tired of giving my energy and getting nothing in return. I’m tired but the attachment is there and I don’t know how to break away without being the villain. I’ve blocked unfriended and he has found a way around those blocks to reach out. He knows what I want and still gives me nothing. I have been tolerating 😭😭😭 He needs therapy not me.

Thanks for this video!

@dottiebaylen7568 5 days ago

Imo, there is no 'magic effect', and if they somehow try to 'chase you', then it's most likely going to end in you getting hurt again after the initial buzz has quickly faded. If they have had/are in therapy for this affliction, then they may feel that everything will turn out brilliantly this time. It may do. But prepare to be the subject of an experiment that either confirms or denies their success. Unfortunately, very little of what happens before, during or after the relationship concerning them is in your control. Also, I don't want to be a killjoy, but if certain avoidants pull away & start to get space, they may want more & more space until they become irritated even when you text them to say "good morning!". If, on the other hand, you don't give them space, they will most likely get rid of you sooner (or even worse, stay & prolong your suffering to a greater degree). This is just my perspective, & is by no means intended to be all-encompassing, so take it or leave it.

Robert, I would be very interested to know your research sources regarding the terms referenced in my first sentence, as I would like to read about them in their full context. Would that be ok? Btw, please feel free to delete my comment if you feel I am in any way overstepping (I won't be offended!).

@jameswingad3212 1 day ago

Of course anxious people, vulnerable people that have suffered abuse want the avoidant they were snared by would change. It takes a while though for the reality that they never do to become clear.

@Mols-d5e 2 days ago

I’ve recently realised I’m an avoidant (becoming aware after ironically from falling for someone more avoidant than me) and have been watching a glut of vids from various content creators to understand our condition. I think Robert offers real practical advice. What makes someone attractive to me is the 5 points he mentioned, yes these things work for me. I think there’s those click baity vids that like to vilify us avoidants, but it’s a trauma response, and now I’ve learned about this I’m trying to change. We don’t want anxious attachers/super empaths to save us either, you can’t baby us, that why clear boundaries delivered with pared back emotion works. Don’t react personally with us and we will feel safe. We have deep deep feelings, but understand there are parts we can’t change (yes we need alone time). If you can respect that we will think you are the greatest. Robert in this vid keeps emphasising that thing about having your own life outside your avoidant partner, this is THE big one, the most attractive trait to have.

@erikavaleries 5 days ago (edited)

Is this counter manipulation and enabling the hot/cold behavior? I refused to become friends, after he began the relationship in such a serious way then suddenly freaked out. I am very direct and I told him it feels like a bait & switch, backwards, manipulative way of dating. Also very hurtful to me but he didn't seem to have considered my feelings

@robinhahn5942 4 days ago

Thought this was a video about DBD at first on how to get the killer to chase you lol

@Gearhead1956 4 days ago

Yes , yes, & yes

@pbg9208 5 days ago

So that’s basically all the ways you can breakup with a person 🤣 So who comes back then? The dead ones?

@blc22 5 days ago

I am a super empath. I am in full no contact going on 2 months. I’m very worried now that I told him I have to believe his words that his rebound would not last and that we are not over. I said bye for now and trusted him. I totally regret saying that now seeing this video 😢. I want to take it all back.

@PlagueXKill3R 5 days ago

That sounds great and all and I agree and I'm likely going to do all this but.. it's been a month and she's already seeing other people. Multiple other people. Sex and feelings involved. It disgusts me and breaks me into a million pieces.. but regardless I'm doing this for myself.
Although she still has the mother of my child and I'd be willing to take steps to reconciliate if it ever makes it there.

@BryceAnderson-r8q 2 days ago

I think my ex avoidant had started healing before we met, I went no contact for 2 weeks that I initiated and genuinely returned to myself and became secure again in that time. she’s slowly making contact showing signs of missing me and I respond very casually, I want her to heal first. do you think it’s too soon to be responding at all?