Why Narcissists and Borderlines Get Angrier When You Give Them What They Say They Want
Shrink4Men - Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD
15,596 views
You did exactly what you were told to do. You stayed calm, validated her feelings, didn’t argue the facts, and somehow she got angrier.
Now you're apologizing for things you didn’t do, questioning your own memory, and trying to find the magical combination of words that'll finally make her feel heard and the relationship good again.
But what if emotional validation isn’t failing because you're doing it wrong? What if you're being asked to validate something entirely different?
STAY FOCUSED
If you need to skip the case study and go straight to the actionable tools, use the link below: 52:15 — The 5-Question Clarity Checklist
In this video, clinical psychologist Dr. Tara J. Palmatier explains why emotional validation can backfire in relationships with high-conflict, borderline, narcissistic, and chronically aggrieved personalities with a victim identity.
Using a real case from her own clinical practice (identifying details changed), Dr. Palmatier shows what happens when emotional validation isn’t enough because the actual demand is **ratification**:
Agree that the client was wronged.
Agree that her distorted version of events is true.
Agree that Dr. Palmatier was unprofessional, disrespectful, and at fault.
And when Dr. Palmatier refused?
The refusal to acknowledge she'd been wrong became more evidence of alleged victimization.
This video examines:
• The difference between validating feelings and ratifying a distorted narrative
• Why some conflicts get worse after emotional validation
• How special exceptions become the new baseline
• Why concessions and appeasement often move the goalposts instead of resolving the conflict
• How “complaint-hinting” shifts responsibility onto someone else
• Why taking the “high road” can reinforce high-conflict behavior
• How grievance and victim identity can make genuine conflict resolution impossible
• Why old grievances keep returning after they’ve supposedly been resolved
• How to recognize when you're being asked for emotional understanding versus special treatment, reality revision, or an admission of wrongdoing
• Why there may be no communication technique capable of producing the outcome you keep trying to achieve
Sometimes the problem isn’t that you haven’t found the right words.
Sometimes there *are no right words*, because the conflict was never really about being heard. It was about getting you to surrender your boundaries, your memory of what happened, and eventually your integrity.
At that point, it’s no longer a communication problem.
It’s a grief problem.
CHAPTERS
0:00 Why Emotional Validation Can Make Things Worse
5:20 Case Study: When Victim Identity Drives the Relationship
7:00 How Special Treatment Becomes Entitlement
9:55 Testing Boundaries and Looking for Exceptions
11:55 What Happens When You Finally Say No
15:55 How One Grievance Becomes Ten
19:55 Why Validation Doesn't Stop the Escalation
25:30 Why Problem-Solving Doesn't Work
29:45 What Happens When You Enforce a Boundary
32:05 Emotional Validation vs. Ratification
34:50 Why You Can't Separate the Feeling From the Distortion
36:35 The Real Price of Keeping the Peace
42:15 Complaint-Hinting and Avoiding Responsibility
42:55 Why the Goalposts Always Move
45:55 Why “Taking the High Road” Backfires
47:55 It Was Never About You
50:50 When a Communication Problem Becomes a Grief Problem
52:15 How to Tell What You're Actually Being Asked to Validate
56:50 The Only Way to Win Is Not to Play
ABOUT THIS CHANNEL
Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD, is a clinical psychologist with nearly two decades of experience and over 31,000 direct clinical hours working with men (and women) in high-conflict relationships, particularly those involving narcissistic, borderline, histrionic, and psychopathic partners and exes.
Her work focuses on pattern recognition, systems dynamics, and exit strategy, not pop psychology or influencer BS.
Subscribe for more videos on narcissistic abuse, borderline personality, false abuse allegations, high-conflict divorce, family court, custody disputes, parental alienation, codependency, and relational trauma.
Hypes are most appreciated!
WORKING WITH DR. PALMATIER
Dr. Palmatier works with clients all over the world via video and telephone. Sessions cover individual therapy, couples work, divorce strategy, custody consulting, parallel parenting, attorney collaboration, family of origin issues, adult children of narcissists and borderlines, codependency, and relational trauma.
SCHEDULE A SESSION
Email: shrink4men@gmail.com or shrink4men@protonmail.com
CONNECT
Website: http://www.shrink4men.com
Facebook: Facebook: Shrink4Men
Twitter: Twitter: shrink4men
Instagram: Instagram: shrink4men
Threads: https://www.threads.net/@shrink4men
BlueSky: https://bsky.app/profile/shrink4men.b...
20 Comments
Damned if you do, Damned if you don't.
They’re not worth the energy
Thank you Doctor. Really. You helped greatly. I could have died from that. You opened my eyes. I still hurt, but now I understand.
- To all others going through it:
You are not alone. These people are absolutely predictable. They act exactly the same. Focus on the mechanics of their minds, not on the events. Listen to this channel. She is 100% right on everything. None of the other channels are even close to her understanding. Most channels are just BS. She knows. That lady is a real professional and she's got outstanding and well measured discernment.
The videos you post feel like a free therapy session. You have a gift! I discovered you a few days ago. I am definitely one of those people who "log too much time on YouTube."
Thank you for taking time to make these videos.
EXACTLY LAST WEEK OMG...
Why Narcissists and Borderlines Get Angrier When You Give Them What They Say They Want
Shrink4Men - Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD
15,596 views
You did exactly what you were told to do. You stayed calm, validated her feelings, didn’t argue the facts, and somehow she got angrier.
Now you're apologizing for things you didn’t do, questioning your own memory, and trying to find the magical combination of words that'll finally make her feel heard and the relationship good again.
But what if emotional validation isn’t failing because you're doing it wrong? What if you're being asked to validate something entirely different?
STAY FOCUSED
If you need to skip the case study and go straight to the actionable tools, use the link below: 52:15 — The 5-Question Clarity Checklist
In this video, clinical psychologist Dr. Tara J. Palmatier explains why emotional validation can backfire in relationships with high-conflict, borderline, narcissistic, and chronically aggrieved personalities with a victim identity.
Using a real case from her own clinical practice (identifying details changed), Dr. Palmatier shows what happens when emotional validation isn’t enough because the actual demand is **ratification**:
Agree that the client was wronged.
Agree that her distorted version of events is true.
Agree that Dr. Palmatier was unprofessional, disrespectful, and at fault.
And when Dr. Palmatier refused?
The refusal to acknowledge she'd been wrong became more evidence of alleged victimization.
This video examines:
• The difference between validating feelings and ratifying a distorted narrative
• Why some conflicts get worse after emotional validation
• How special exceptions become the new baseline
• Why concessions and appeasement often move the goalposts instead of resolving the conflict
• How “complaint-hinting” shifts responsibility onto someone else
• Why taking the “high road” can reinforce high-conflict behavior
• How grievance and victim identity can make genuine conflict resolution impossible
• Why old grievances keep returning after they’ve supposedly been resolved
• How to recognize when you're being asked for emotional understanding versus special treatment, reality revision, or an admission of wrongdoing
• Why there may be no communication technique capable of producing the outcome you keep trying to achieve
Sometimes the problem isn’t that you haven’t found the right words.
Sometimes there *are no right words*, because the conflict was never really about being heard. It was about getting you to surrender your boundaries, your memory of what happened, and eventually your integrity.
At that point, it’s no longer a communication problem.
It’s a grief problem.
CHAPTERS
0:00 Why Emotional Validation Can Make Things Worse
5:20 Case Study: When Victim Identity Drives the Relationship
7:00 How Special Treatment Becomes Entitlement
9:55 Testing Boundaries and Looking for Exceptions
11:55 What Happens When You Finally Say No
15:55 How One Grievance Becomes Ten
19:55 Why Validation Doesn't Stop the Escalation
25:30 Why Problem-Solving Doesn't Work
29:45 What Happens When You Enforce a Boundary
32:05 Emotional Validation vs. Ratification
34:50 Why You Can't Separate the Feeling From the Distortion
36:35 The Real Price of Keeping the Peace
42:15 Complaint-Hinting and Avoiding Responsibility
42:55 Why the Goalposts Always Move
45:55 Why “Taking the High Road” Backfires
47:55 It Was Never About You
50:50 When a Communication Problem Becomes a Grief Problem
52:15 How to Tell What You're Actually Being Asked to Validate
56:50 The Only Way to Win Is Not to Play
ABOUT THIS CHANNEL
Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD, is a clinical psychologist with nearly two decades of experience and over 31,000 direct clinical hours working with men (and women) in high-conflict relationships, particularly those involving narcissistic, borderline, histrionic, and psychopathic partners and exes.
Her work focuses on pattern recognition, systems dynamics, and exit strategy, not pop psychology or influencer BS.
Subscribe for more videos on narcissistic abuse, borderline personality, false abuse allegations, high-conflict divorce, family court, custody disputes, parental alienation, codependency, and relational trauma.
Hypes are most appreciated!
WORKING WITH DR. PALMATIER
Dr. Palmatier works with clients all over the world via video and telephone. Sessions cover individual therapy, couples work, divorce strategy, custody consulting, parallel parenting, attorney collaboration, family of origin issues, adult children of narcissists and borderlines, codependency, and relational trauma.
SCHEDULE A SESSION
Email: shrink4men@gmail.com or shrink4men@protonmail.com
CONNECT
Website: http://www.shrink4men.com
Facebook: Facebook: Shrink4Men
Twitter: Twitter: shrink4men
Instagram: Instagram: shrink4men
Threads: https://www.threads.net/@shrink4men
BlueSky: https://bsky.app/profile/shrink4men.b...
52:15 — The 5-Question Checklist (How to tell if you're being asked for validation or ratification)