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ADHD Taught You Not to Trust Yourself | Masking and RSD

Dr. Jolene Brighten

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ADHD rejection sensitivity can make one comment, one text, or one change in someone’s tone feel like proof that everything is falling apart. In this episode of The Dr. Brighten Show, Alex Partridge joins me to unpack rejection sensitivity, masking, identity, self-trust, and the hidden emotional cost of ADHD; view the full show notes at https://drbrighten.com/podcasts/adhd-...

📚 My new book, ADHD and Women, explores the relationship between ADHD, hormones, the nervous system, nutrition, and the experiences women are so often never taught to connect.

🎁 Preorder the book and see the current limited-time bonuses here:
https://drbrighten.com/adhdandwomen

In This Episode
🧠 Why ADHD can make rejection and criticism feel disproportionately intense
💔 How childhood comments like “you’re too much,” “stop being so emotional,” or “why are you so weird?” can shape the way you see yourself as an adult
🎭 How masking can slowly shift the question from “Who am I?” to “Who do I need to be so people will accept me?”
🤝 How people-pleasing and fear of disappointing others can undermine your ability to trust your own instincts

Chapters
01:03 — What If You’ve Always Been Told You’re Too Sensitive?
03:05 — “You Could Be Cool If You Weren’t So Weird”
06:08 — Learning How to Perform “Normal”
10:12 — ADHD in Adolescence & Alex’s Hidden Entrepreneurial Side
13:02 — The Crisis That Changed Everything
14:03 — Building UNILAD & LADbible
19:10 — Winning the Legal Battle
20:10 — How Losing Self-Trust Can Change Your Life
23:29 — The Side of ADHD We Don’t Talk About Enough
24:08 — 20,000 Extra Rejections?
25:03 — How Rejection Sensitivity Shows Up in Adulthood
28:42 — Is RSD Real If It Isn’t in the DSM?
31:20 — PMDD, Women’s Health & Medicine Catching Up
33:24 — How Do You Rebuild Self-Trust?
34:13 — “Who Am I?” After an ADHD Diagnosis
36:03 — The Loneliness of Being Loved for Your Mask
39:07 — Dr. Brighten’s Own Experience With Identity & Masking
43:03 — When a Tiny Cue Feels Like Rejection
46:14 — Why the Reaction Can Feel So Much Bigger Than the Trigger
49:03 — The Biggest Lie Rejection Sensitivity Tells You
51:04 — Why One Negative Reaction Can Erase 100 Positive Ones
55:17 — When Negativity Feels Familiar—and Praise Doesn’t
59:12 — What Do You Actually Do About It?
01:01:40 — Facts vs. the Story Your Brain Is Telling You
01:03:10 — Talking About Triggers With Your Partner
01:04:48 — The Biggest ADHD Myth Alex Had to Unlearn
01:05:11 — “You Just Need to Try Harder”
01:08:42 — What Would Alex Tell His 7-Year-Old Self?
01:09:05 — The ADHD Traits That Became His Greatest Strengths
01:11:08 — What Neurodivergent Kids Need to Hear

🎙️ Alex Partridge is the founder of UNILAD and LADbible, host of the award-winning ADHD Chatter podcast, a Sunday Times bestselling author, and a leading voice in conversations about ADHD and neurodiversity.

In this conversation, Alex shares not only what he has learned through interviewing hundreds of experts, but his own experiences with masking, alcoholism, entrepreneurship, rejection sensitivity, identity, and rebuilding self-trust.

Dr. Jolene Brighten is a board-certified naturopathic endocrinologist (FABNE), nutrition scientist, Certified Menopause Specialist through The Menopause Society, and certified sex counselor.

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🎙️ The Dr. Brighten Show: https://drbrighten.com/podcast
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Join the Conversation
💬 Have you ever interpreted a tiny change in someone’s tone, a delayed text, or a request to “talk later” as proof you had done something wrong?
👇 Tell me in the comments what rejection sensitivity or masking has looked like for you.
👍 Like this episode if it helped you put words to something you’ve experienced.
🔔 Subscribe to The Dr. Brighten Show for more evidence-informed conversations about ADHD, hormones, women’s health, relationships, and the brain.

#ADHD #RejectionSensitivity #RSD #ADHDWomen #Neurodivergent #ADHDMasking #AdultADHD #Neurodiversity #MentalHealth #DrJoleneBrighten #AlexPartridge #ADHDChatter

20 Comments

@smar2 2 weeks ago

I found out that I have ADHD when I was 71 and then that I also have RSD and first that I have CPTSD. Listening to you talk about your life really struck me deeply and I couldn't help but cry. I have struggled with depression and anxiety all my life by trying to be what I thought other people might want me to be. Inside my mind I lived a sad confusing and felt a lot of self doubt. It hurts to listen to you talk about RSD and ADHD because it's my life too. I have to face that I have lived someone elses life in a way and that really is hard. It feels like I wasted my life and now I have less time to learn how to be myself. Thanks for having the courage to share your story.

@TheSilentObserver-l2k 13 days ago

If you often feel overwhelmed by everything going on in your life, Anwen Reid’s anxiety quiz might be worth trying. It can help you look at your anxiety patterns in a different way.

@ChewBlueGoo 2 weeks ago

Im listening to this in the shower and crying my eyes out.
I tend to do that once in a while anyway, maybe it’s the only private space, although not anymore bc I just put it out there.

This connects with more than one person in my life, and especially a little girl I raised as a nanny from birth until 7. Her parents were doctors (one was a pediatrician!), yet instead of being kind and compassionate towards her sensitivities (not looking people in the eye—she was shamed, crying a lot over things and even saying, “You think Im BAD,” when all someone said was time to go clean up—she was enrolled in drama class, and her mom finally bought her a necklace that said GRIT, and two raver chew toys bc she chewed massive holes in her clothes.

She used to stand in the shower crying, then stay there in her towel rocking back & forth until I eventually carried her out in a nice way… but I recognized what she was doing because I had done it myself my whole life. I had never thought about it until I saw her do it, and it broke my heart into pieces.

Her mother was a cold nasty creature who eventually threw me out when I spoke up about my concerns. I was everything to the little girl and her brother. I am devastated by how my absence impacted her when I was the one who was highly attuned.

I am ADHD, and have my appointment coming up for Asd testing. I know what this all feels like. I like myself, but it seems to be a problem for others… that why children are the best to be working with for me.
❤️tysm

@TheRawDose 2 weeks ago

Key Points to Remember After You Watch The Video. (Thank Me Later):
1. ADHD brains are often told they are too sensitive, but this is a myth based on a nervous system that experiences emotions very intensely (1:03).

2. People with ADHD are often exposed to thousands of extra criticisms or negative comments while growing up, which can hurt their self esteem (24:08).

3. This leads to something called Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, or RSD, which makes any kind of criticism or perceived rejection feel like a painful physical attack (25:03).

4. To fit in and avoid being hurt, many people learn to mask, which means hiding their true personality to be who they think others want them to be (4:15).

5. Over time, masking makes it very hard to know your own identity or to trust your own instincts because you are constantly looking to others for approval (34:13).

6. The brain of an ADHD person can have trouble regulating emotions, causing a big reaction to a small trigger, like a change in someone's tone of voice (42:46).

7. RSD can make you believe everyone hates you, even when there is no proof, causing you to expect the worst in every situation (49:03).

8. One negative comment or reaction can often erase the memory of many positive ones because the brain is used to searching for negativity (51:04).

9. You can start to heal by collecting evidence that contradicts the lies your brain tells you, such as keeping a list of your strengths or past successes (59:36).

10. It is helpful to name your RSD, like calling it a dragon, to help you realize that a bad feeling is just your brain overreacting, not a fact (57:52).

11. When you have a big emotional reaction, try to talk to a trusted friend or partner who understands ADHD and can help you look at the situation calmly (1:00:46).

12. It is not true that people with ADHD just need to try harder, as they are often working much harder than others just to keep up with everyday life (1:05:11).

13. Many people with ADHD are actually high masking, meaning they use all their energy to appear normal at work, leaving them exhausted at home (1:07:44).

14. The very traits that make an ADHD child feel like they are weird or too much are the same ones that often turn into their greatest strengths as adults (1:08:42).

15. Your unique curiosity and ability to see patterns are valuable, and the world needs the different way you think and explore (1:11:08).

16. You are not broken or defective because you have ADHD; you simply have a different operating system that deserves to be understood and embraced (41:27).

@drjolenebrighten I made a full content pack from this episode, starting with short-form video clips, along with a newsletter, short summary, glossary, mind map, infographic, and ready-to-post versions for X, LinkedIn, and Facebook. Let me know if any of these would be useful for your audience, and I’d be happy to send them over.

@Skope87 3 days ago

SOMEONE make a movie of his story. The world needs it!

@jessikae 2 weeks ago

I was diagnosed when I was 7. So at an early age I knew I was different and I was ashamed. I’m 36 and I still keep asking that question “who am I”. It’s heartbreaking when you don’t know who you are. I hope I figure it out soon ❤

@Steve-dn6wp 12 days ago (edited)

Great topic! I believed I wasn’t capable because of my ADHD. My disorder did more damage to my self worth than anything else in my life!

@petethis4787 9 days ago

I just had a long talk with my boss. Her kept saying "I don't want to fire you but ..." you can't do that, you'll never be able to do it, these things are normal, you rely too much on others ... it's just completely demoralised me. And I'm "working on it" - I'm in therapie. I don't know how to deal with it. James Kustow said in his book that the are things that have to work, like eating, housework and E-Mails (plus many more). Perhaps I should start doing what he suggests in his book. Task dumping, meditation, early morning Jour Fix. Whatever. I'm in a bit of a dilemma.

@andi_audhd 2 weeks ago

It boils my blood tho that I only got diagnosed at 38yo cuz I’m a woman. I’m not even at angry at my parents or my stepmom. I’m annoyed with every person in this country, especially the politicians, who have something to negative to say about the rising number of ADHD and autism assessments! The implications, which they’re refusing to say out loud, is that women like myself should not be allowed to get diagnosed, because we’re 1) a woman and 2) an adult. Cuz If I had other parts between my legs, given my behaviour and cognitive struggles, I would’ve likely been diagnosed sooner. I’m pretty sure my stepmom would’ve pushed for it herself if she didn’t believe it would’ve shut doors for me academically, cuz she saw it herself. She was trying to get me into schools and it was a fight even without a diagnosis. I wasn’t stupid, I just had terrible speech struggles (cuz of fast brain).

@aaaaashhhl 2 weeks ago

my friend said once, "you're so intense about everything," and i catalogued it as more evidence that something was structurally wrong with me. that was the thing: not the comment itself, but how i filed it. every time someone found me too much or too weird or too anything, it went into a kind of like a "mental folder" labeled "proof that you're broken" instead of "this person and i don't match." as it SHOULD have gone. my therapist recommended a book called "For those of you who feel invisible", and there's a part about how difference gets misread as defect when you're young because that one environment feels like the whole world. i thought my intense way of experiencing things was a character flaw that would follow me everywhere.

@noticingbeauty 2 hours ago

My goodness, I really needed to hear this exact conversation today. Thank you, thank you 🌷

@IsabelleGonzalez-u5w 8 days ago

Alex’s fitting in story —not understanding nonverbal social cues is very common in ASD. RSD can happen in both ADHD as well as ASD.

@LilUCSD 13 days ago

Dr. Jolene, I only recently found you on Apple podcasts, and I’ve listened to one or two episodes, which I thoroughly respect, enjoy and learn from. It honestly wasn’t until this episode however, that drove me to try to find and figure out where I can make a comment since I couldn’t find it on Apple podcasts.

I am a 45 year-old, who didn’t have my kid until 41, so I thought everything I was suffering from was Postpartum when in fact it was perimenopause. I was diagnosed with ADHD at 43, and I completely disregarded it thinking I’ve been doing just fine my entire life without any help.

Then the next stage of my perimenopause hit and now almost everything is impossible to handle.

All that said it was this podcast that hit me to the core and made me feel so seen and not alone. My question is, where to go from here? Where and how to get help? I’ve been in therapy for 10 years, but even finding a therapist that can figure out all these parts of me has been a journey.

Thank you both for all that you do.

@Tigeressly 7 days ago (edited)

I was diagnosed with ADHD yesterday, my driving force was RSD which is so prevalent in my life and really associate with this conversation. The gut punch was that after I received my diagnosis, my ex partner who is still a close friend responded to my text to say ‘I hope you don’t start blaming everything on your ADHD’, it was always about understanding myself. He then said it was a meaningless flippant comment, but when I didn’t respond because I was busy he asked if ‘I was sulking, just like old times’. I hate the thoughts in my head and wish I could switch off but it feels like he has invalidated my diagnosis. It is about understanding myself and learning coping mechanisms so I can brush off negativity.

@andi_audhd 2 weeks ago

So it’s really interesting that you’ve correlated ADHD with the anxiety and that anxiety is essentially not trusting yourself.

I got my ADHD diagnosis last year at 38yo, and I started to really struggle with OCD compulsions 2 years ago, for which I received CBT last yr. CBT was all about taking myself out of the emotional headspace, challenging the possibility and getting down to the data / facts. It was really cool seeing this being used in the TV show Reacher actually.

The reason why I mention this is because I’ve got the inattentive ADHD and there was a period of time when I’d be washing dishes and my brain would wonder and create a fictional conversation….. and it’s the OCD that brings me back into reality. So far that sounds great right? Except it’s more like a drill sergeant with no chill, screaming at me to wash the same item repeatedly. There was always a significant time difference between how long it would take me to wash the dishes compared to my husband. Sure I may have washed them a little better but not by much, but I always needed his help to finish up, and we were usually still busy after 21:30, sometimes 22:00. Where he’d be done sometimes at 20:30.

He even bought the dishwasher due to my OCD, to help me and free up our evenings. Sure he could just wash the dishes going forward, but we alternate every evening, which also benefits our daughter.

I can definitely see how not trusting oneself also fits in with RSD as well and masking.

@endometriosis-learning 2 weeks ago (edited)

I watch both of you ❤
I listened to Alex hundreds of times, but this time he made me cry😢, its been such a hard jurney for him at some point❤

@ChewBlueGoo 2 weeks ago (edited)

I'm curious about an aspect of this, especially in regard to the conversation around the 43min mark +/-
What about the dynamic that inevitably seems to occur with this type of sensitive individual (whether ADHD, AuDHD), when interacting on a close basis with a partner, an employer, friend, etc., who is a bit of a predatory type? That, to me, seems to be a HUGE issue that is quite common. There is a semi-unspoken awareness that these two types of people have some sort of a magnetic attraction to each other; I understand why that is now, so it's not a mystery and I won't go into that.

It creates a bigger problem for the neurodivergent type because we are usually aware of our sensitivities, or if we are, what happens is we are told for so long that we are too sensitive until the point arrives when that sensitivity is finally pushed away and blocked out as if it were our enemy.

Essentially, I believe it is a form of gaslighting ourselves which is dangerous. When we ignore our strong internal awareness that these others, the predatory types (or pathologically disturbed individuals as I like to call them), are people who are taking advantage of us, often it is when there is a lot more on the line. This makes it more difficult to stand up for ourselves and walk out when that is precisely what we should be doing! Instead, we stay, push through, and ignore the signs & patterns, all the red flags waving in our face, and unfortunately can often times end up in a very bad situation, likely abusive, and sometimes for many years.

The sociopathic, narcissistic, psychopathic types have a radar for neurodivergent individuals, and sadly that is where the deepest harm can occur.

I am realizing as I type that this might be the force behind the decision to isolate. It's quite energy consuming to constantly struggle with deciding when the alarm bells are the ones we should be listening to, and when they are the result of an over-taxed CNS from a long stressful day perhaps.

-----------------

I'm always dreaming of opening a compound, or retreat, where only neurodivergent people are allowed; it used to be specifically for children, what I had in mind, but I see now that it's a much needed respite for neurodivergent adults, and will also DEF incorporate lots and lots of animals. :)

In the end, it's great to have awareness, and I really genuinely appreciate your work. It's fascinating, and you do a great job at explaining it all. Don't really know how you do it.

@Sonyajlbedingfield 2 weeks ago

I've listened and watched many of your podcasts and learnt a hell of a lot about myself. This one is very special, though. The emotions you brought to it through your experience of RSD finally let me understand my own destructive bastard. No name yet, Dave is taken, so I am thinking possibley Colin.

Thank you so so much
Sonya

@Baillargeoncrew 3 days ago

Thank you for that video, i really think that i have adhd thats why my life is a mess right now.

@Skope87 3 days ago

I had the exact same experience watching Titanic in theaters at age 10. I was bawling so loudly during the film and people all around were staring at me (I’m sure I ruined it for a lot of people). It was super embarrassing but I literally couldn’t stop crying. I still hate that movie lol.