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The Secret to Making Peace with Your Personality

Dr. Arthur Brooks

247,085 views

If you’re an introvert, you might not like what the research has to say: Extroverts tend to be happier. But before you start striking up conversations with strangers in the elevator, there’s more to the story.

In this episode of Office Hours, I explore how your personality might shape your happiness, what introverts and extroverts can learn from each other, and why understanding your natural tendencies can help you cultivate habits towards a more connected and, therefore, happier life.

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Where to find Arthur Brooks:
• Website: https://arthurbrooks.com/
• In-person Retreats: https://retreats.arthurbrooks.com/
• Newsletter: https://www.arthurbrooks.com/newsletter
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Timestamps:
(00:00) Intro
(09:00) Personality traits and genetics
(10:47) Jung’s work on personality
(12:54) The Big Five personality traits (OCEAN)
(20:55) Eysenck’s theories on introversion and extroversion
(23:26) Why extroverts tend to have a happiness advantage
(32:02) What introverts can learn from extroverts
(38:44) What extroverts can learn from introverts
(43:04) Happiness homework for introverts and extroverts
(45:01) Q&A: Budgeting, vacations, and happiness
(47:02) Q&A: Dealing with romantic failure

Referenced:
• The Meaning of Your Life: Finding Purpose in an Age of Emptiness: themeaningofyourlife.com
• Meaning Membership: https://hub.arthurbrooks.com/the-mean...
• Arthur’s newsletter: https://www.arthurbrooks.com/newsletter
• The Happiness Scale: https://learn.arthurbrooks.com/the-ha...
• The development of markers for the Big-Five factor structure: https://psycnet.apa.org/record/1992-2...
• Carl Jung: https://www.thesap.org.uk/articles-on...
• Extraversion and happiness: https://psycnet.apa.org/record/1991-1...
• Intelligence assessment: a theoretical and experimental approach: https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/5341403
• Happiness, introversion-extraversion and happy introverts: https://www.researchgate.net/publicat...
• Hans Eysenck's interface between the brain and personality: Modern evidence on the cognitive neuroscience of personality: https://www.sciencedirect.com/science...
• Extraversion advantages at work: A quantitative review and synthesis of the meta-analytic evidence: https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/31120263
• Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking: https://www.amazon.com/dp/0307352153
• Hello, stranger? Pleasant conversations are preceded by concerns about starting one: https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/34618536
• ...References continued at: ⁠https://www.arthurbrooks.com/office-h...

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20 Comments

@aaaaashhhl 3 weeks ago

i used to leave every party and replay the exact ten minutes where i stood by the drinks table saying nothing, convinced that silence meant i'd failed at being likable. turns out the failure was never mine, it was measuring myself against a version of fun that was never built for how i actually connect with people. i started skipping the big parties for one on one dinners instead, and my friendships got so much closer i stopped missing the version of me that used to fake it. 🙏🏻

@NotMuchThanks 3 weeks ago

"I love dogs, they're the best people"

AMEN BROTHER

@ninajohnson6578 3 weeks ago

As an introvert my super power in my friendship is that I am a deep listener. And I remember what people say, care about and think about.

@jimmieoakland3843 3 weeks ago

I am an introvert, and I don't need a lot of stimulus to become happy. I look forward to full moons and watch birds for hours. I love cancelled plans. I don't relate to people who are always running around, looking for some party they believe is out there. It is the dying nerve that needs thunder to rouse it.

@editbyilius 3 weeks ago

Making peace with your personality begins when you stop treating your natural traits as flaws that need fixing and start using them as strengths.

@boxer1129 3 weeks ago

I feel like this video significantly underdelivers on the promise in the title

@hmmm805 3 weeks ago

I became a happier introvert after reading Susan Cain’s book and realizing there wasn’t something wrong with me.

@innerpeacerevolution 9 days ago

I'm an introvert and require an enormous amount of alone time. It would scare most people. My inner world is incredibly rich and I'm deeply spiritual. I was always a cat person, but about 1.5 years ago I found a really sweet dog on the street and I didn't have the heart to take her to the pound. It was a BIG adjustment, but she has changed my life profoundly. I walk her twice a day and have met a lot of people in my neighborhood as a result. The interactions with these folks is brief (perfect), but fulfilling. As mentioned in this video, my thinking is futuristic which has helped me manifest a happy life.

@ビーグル1 8 days ago

I am from Japan where “Quiet” is considered a good thing in our culture. We have a saying “A wise hawk hides its talons” similar thinking to “Still water runs deep”. I was so happy to hear about the way you grade your students - I have been living in the U.S. for a long time (married to an American have two kids) and I have a sweet spot for quiet people in the country. Although I do think there is a crucial moment for Japanese (culture) should speak up rather than being quiet, I often get a bit confused about “the louder the better” culture, as well - especially in the area that gets evaluated (school, job etc). Again It was so nice to hear how you respect or see quiet students. Appreciate that.

@marilyns6043 3 weeks ago (edited)

As an introvert, I took momentary exception to the statement that ‘extroverts love people’. I love people, too. Just in different ways. The analogy of dogs vs cats helped to clarify what you meant. Dogs love being in a pack of people. Cats express their love of a select number of people, quietly and earnestly. I’ll forever prefer an intimate conversation with a friend over a cup of coffee to small-talk at a cocktail party.

@robertcrown8977 3 weeks ago

Being the only introvert in a family of extroverts is like being the only sober person at a party.

@DianeDuncan-m2b 2 weeks ago

It doesn’t really matter if you’re an introvert or an extrovert if you have low esteem, you’re not gonna be happy either way

@Critical-Thinker1111 2 weeks ago

Being a happy introvert, I can relate to a lot of what you have said, and deep, deep, deep friendship is the only way I can relate to a friend, very few, very old friendships ❤

@isabelcoelho513 3 weeks ago

I was an extrovert when I was in my 20s, 30s and even 40s but now I’m in my 50s and I’m happy to be at home alone. Why have I changed? I miss my old self. I was happier.

@ghadahafez5011 3 weeks ago

the minute before you said "your homework as an introvert" I had paused the video and I had already sent a message to an old friend saying " Can I call you tonight?" and It's been a long time since I did that, as an "Introvert" :'D

@bryantmorrill6081 7 days ago

Discovering and understanding my Myers Brigs personality type (INTJ) was a life-changing inflection point for me.

@tyler9281 3 weeks ago (edited)

Jalen Hurts, Philadelphia Eagles QB was asked about his introversion in an interview.

He said “You say I’m an introvert. I say I’m about action.”

@SleuthingSoul 2 weeks ago

Reading Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking was a game changer for me. That, and getting older and shedding some self-consciousness.