You can't avoid triggering a borderline.

Therapists are coming out of school with trauma-informed skills but have no clue about heritable disorders such as personality disorders.

living with someone with bpd is insanely hard.

You will lose yourself in staying.  There will be no accountability, ownership, and repair.  Your entire life will be dictated by the bpd.  This is not a mutual, loving relationship.

My adult son has clear BPD and has finally recognised it by himself, without me initiating the conversation. Nonetheless, despite his high level of intelligence, he still has very sudden and explosive outbursts, even in public, and is highly volatile at the drop of a hat and for the most minuscule reason that leaves me feeling absolutely bewildered as to what just happened and questioning why. I grew up with this from my mother, and now I have it from my son. He's shown this since the age of nine, always very angry and frustrated as to why his father completely abandoned him and our family, leaving me to bring up the children alone. He used to slam his head against walls, shouting "Where is he? Where's my so-called dad?!" It was absolutely heartbreaking. He was the most angry one at his dad's funeral, clearly the most hurt, but also the most honest. Underneath, he's revealed himself as the most caring and  truthful person I know, and he's often apologised and has been clearly ashamed for his aggressive (never physical, but frightening) outbursts. Still, I'm always walking on eggshells (we could be having a happy and respectful conversation, then suddenly, BAM!!! 💥🤯). His behaviour has also caused estrangements within the family and him being fired from many jobs. It's always been an extremely difficult situation, and I wish there was help for him. I also suffered a huge trauma when I was six months pregnant with him, which absolutely devastated me, and I sometimes wonder if his BPD may also from epigenetic factors due my sudden and acute stress during pregnancy.

My 32 year old daughter is BPD and now just got sober a month ago. I am the devil and she cannot apologize for any of her drunken behavior. I think i need therapy to deal with her.

11:37 The darkest part is needing to be loved but, every single time, I push it away because of trauma and PTSD. The care can feel amazing, yet always vulnerable and on edge of a cliff.

word of advice, there is absolutely practically nothing you can say or tone you can control to make the situation better.Body language is your best option. not a guarantee but still better than others

My daughter was born angry. When she wanted something and didn't get it, from the day she was born, she screamed until her whole body turned purple. She did it even in the hospital the night she was born and scared the nurses. Yet when they gave her to me and she shut up, but she would not take a bottle from the nurses and did not want them holding her.

As an adult she is getting worse and has become regularly verbally abusive to me. I can't deal with this at 73 anymore. I am so tired and have never had any help with her because no one could handle being around her.

She has finally been diagnosed as BPD.

I sought help and to get a diagnosis and help the whole time she was growing up. And no one did anything.

I got told repeatedly, I see she is a little active or hyper. I don't want to give her a label that will follow her all of her life.

So instead, they cursed her with not being diagnosed, not being able to get any help or treatment and a miserable life. She is 47 now. See how seen so many doctors and been hospitalized so many times but nothing until now. So I am online searching for help.

It has been an interesting life causing misery for everyone in the family until it was just her , and I for the last thirty years. I am now 73 and still trying to help her and deal with this. I'm so tired. But at least we have a diagnosis now.

My mother takes setting a boundary as a personal attack and then she tells me to leave and then accuses me of wanting to leave when I have said nothing. I assure I would never do that but she continues to guilt trip me for setting the boundary.

Thank you MedCircle for more educational content from the incredible Dr Ramani ❤ I could listen to this woman talk for hours about mental health ❤ I'm hoping your resources will help me navigate a strained relationship with a family member that has BPD 😊

U can try and try but with no change the decision to leave may be the only option

Yeah that's right, but I've been through a lot of heart breaking and I still believe that true love exists and I'm ready for a real relationship that's going to be built with trust honesty and care and understanding 😔

I have BPD, PTSD, and AuDHD. My go-to response has been to direct everything inward. Sometimes outward. Like my twin brother verbally abuses me and he doesn't see it, he doesn't recognise it, he doesn't acknowledge it. So I went no contact with him. He didn't get the memo. So on mother's Day he tries to drag me in with a group chat. Not sure why. I don't have a mother and I am not a mother. That day has no meaning for me. He has never called me up on mother's Day to wish me a happy mother's day. I mean, that's weird and uncomfortable to me because who am I going to celebrate the day with? It's not happy woman's day and it's not happy sisters day. So it just seemed like he wanted to wheel me in to  do something nice just to stab me again and twist the knife. He might have narcissistic tendencies. I think his abuse is narcissistic abuse. Our relationship has always been volatile. I've been trying to tell him to not treat me like crap. He doesn't see it. He thinks he's the best brother in the whole wide world. Anyways, I responded in the group thread ... This happened x,y, z oh and I've also been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. If you want to talk to me and engage I am willing except I am not willing to be the target of verbal abuse. What I need is for you to be kind, to have some compassion, and empathy. Verbal abuse is none of that. And I also told him how he completely and utterly destroyed my birthday and he was the one who turned everything negative. It really did hit hard at that abandonment but what also hit really hard was the fact that I almost died in an mva and they didn't exactly come running when I needed them. And I will for the rest of my life it seems will cry over that because I felt abandoned. And then they didn't practically start to help me until after they were shamed into helping me. Meanwhile I was home alone, I couldn't dress myself, I couldn't clean my apartment, I couldn't shower, I couldn't go grocery shopping or cook. My family didn't even ask how I was gonna manage at home. My brother criticised me, my hometown criticised me... And for what? Because I was reaching out for practical support after almost dying, almost losing my arm. When my dad and sister came to visit me in the hospital it just felt like their visit was an obligatory visit. But you know, I didn't lash out at them. I'm sitting at home trying to survive a system that doesn't wanna help me, and try surviving a dynamic where people just assume the system is helping so I get some help just not enough help. But I've basically gone no contact with my brother. And maybe that's the best thing because I deserve to not be verbally abused. I don't verbally abuse them or explode randomly 99.9% of the time I always try and vocalize my hurt. Like I shouldn't have to accept being abused. My family should want to treat me the best way they know how.

Walk on eggshells and only speak when spoken to....you could do everything or you could do nothing....it doesn't matter....they will be emotionally unstable whenever the wind doesn't blow how they like...

This is super helpful for navigating tough conversations! Thanks for breaking it down so clearly. 👍

The last part about the double bind is so interesting, gonna look into that. When there’s nothing you can do or say to help the situation

At the time,  i wasn't diagnosed.  I was also 16. My  mom shut (slammed) the door behind me. I was going off in a huff too, carm down. I would have been back in 10-20 minutes . I was gone for 7 hours.  The police were called

Romini is wow!

But sometimes one really NEED to take a break or create a distance to the one with BPD?! She contradict her self here. When they are in that rage mode staying means you let your self be held hostage and allowing them to abuse you.

I won't be able to stay in this friendship if I am not allowed to take a time out/hang up or walk away until my beloved friend have calmed down and can talk again. Because staying means letting her use me as a trash bin or punch bag. And I can not allow that ever again. I need to love my self more. I am done being her punch bag. And when she has flown into rage (it only cause one small misunderstanding sometimes) she is VILE, mean and say such hurtful things.

Knowing that she might not mean all the things she says doesn't make it any less painful hearing them. It's as if they hit you it hurts even if they do it without an intent to hurt.

It's not my responsibility to manage her feelings and I'm done doing so. She always said that she can't cope with me walking away when she's raging, that that make her feel so abandoned that she gets worse then. But after the last time she blew up on me, 4 days ago, I really can't do this anymore= stay and listen when she's raging. Giving an advice to stay is wrong in my mind. Or giving advice for friends or partners to talk like a therapist= we are NOT their therapist nor punching bags.

I really think a friend or partner should put up clear boundaries and let the person with BPD take responsibility for his/her issues and learning how to regulate their own emotions and impulses.

I will put up this boundary and I WILL hang up if she or anyone else get that mean and horrible to me again. I will tell her I will walk away until she can talk more calmly. If she is angry about something I am more than willing to listen. But I won't listen when she is making fun of me, is mean, saying degrading things or accusing me and saying I'm something I didn't say or die something I didn't say.