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A memory that doesn't exist.

There was this girl I thought I loved. Big crush on. To start off, she was absolutely stunning. Pretty eyes, cute freckles, super friendly and a great listener. Made me felt heard. It wasn't till after high school that I realized I never really knew her. Instead, I only loved the idea of her, instead of the actual girl. And I hate myself for that, all throughout high school, and only now do I realize how far out I spun this version of her. I want to hate her and blame her so it's not my fault, but it is absolutely my doing. Also found out that there is a difference between a nice girl, and a girl being nice to you.

And the "Best" part? I see her at church most sundays. Whenever I see her I get a little scared, anxious and guilty for thinking I was the "one", for thinking of all those selfish things and dumb fantasies to make me feel better.

The woman who shaped me into who I am today died 6 years ago. What makes it harder is I wasn't there when she passed. I was too ashamed of how we broke off our relationship, that I refused to talk to her face to face. We lived in different countries, making it easy to not be aware of each other's situation.  Both of us are not fond of using social media to record our lives, or even to talk to people with it. When I finally built up the courage, I figured out that she passed 2 years prior. Mental Health.

Her death broke me, but her memories built me up again. At first, I told myself I'll live for her ideal version of myself. With time, and her words, her letters, her memoirs, I've learned to live life for myself.

Jamie, wherever you are right now, thank you. I loved you, and still do. To everyone else, cheers, and I hope you're doing well in your own story. If not, you will. Just keep turning the page.

It makes me think about my friends, the ones who accused me, blamed me, and eventually showed me that they were never truly my friends. They were just fake friends I met on Discord, and those memories still stay with me.
But there is one person who is different.
My girlfriend.
She is incredibly important to me. She has been one of the most meaningful people in my life, and honestly, she might be the best person I have ever met.
Sometimes, when I look back at my memories, it feels like I'm hearing the voices of those fake friends again their accusations, their words, and everything that made me feel like I couldn't trust anyone.
But then her memories come back too.
The conversations we shared. The moments when she stayed. The times she made me feel understood, cared for, and loved.
It's almost like I'm standing between two sets of memories, the memories of people who made me question friendship, and the memories of the one person who showed me what real love and genuine care can feel like.
And if I could say something through those memories, it would be this
Not everyone who enters your life is meant to stay. Some people leave behind painful memories and lessons. But sometimes, one person comes along and gives you memories worth holding onto.
For me, that person is her.
My girlfriend.
And no matter how painful the memories of those fake friends may be, I don't want them to define what friendship, love, or trust means to me.
Because she showed me that there are still people worth believing in.
People worth loving.
And memories worth keeping.
And I still love you. I miss you today.

Character In The Video : Future Knight From Guardian Tales

No Need To Thank Me

I love my girlfriend so much she genuinely means the entire world to me, she's sleeping right now and and i wish i was there besides her i wish i could hold her close and hug her while she slept like a princess i wish i could wake up everyday and see her besides me Im sosososo lucky to have a girl as wonderful as she is in my life

This girl was so perfect. Prettier than any celebrity ive seen. Her eyes... oml her eyes.

Has the humor and contagious laughter that would make conversations go on for hours. We were both interested in such niche topics it was so beautiful talking to her late into the night everyday. Her warmth always felt reassuring. We had similar personalities, I loved hearing about the way she saw the world.

We never dated, but I've never loved anyone else more.

I felt her slipping away and I panicked to hold on. We had a kdrama moment cause I started crying out of nowhere, my other friend just looked at me, asked if I was okay (it was a hangout) and I just couldn't stop. She brought me outside and we talked. I was crying cause I could tell what we had was done. I cried once in front of her before and she gave me such a warm hug and we had such a nice, warming talk that made me feel special; I was hoping for something similar this time. Instead, it was her bringing me the truth which I am now thankful for. She apologized for letting go, but really I blame myself for holding on.


Whats done is done. We always joked saying I love you as friends or through role play. I'm not sure if you'd ever read this, but I love you. I loved you, I will always love you.

This is stupid and petty, I know. But I'm a 16 year old male living in the U.S. I struggle with things that men my age do, I'm also a follower of Christ so it hits harder than if I wasn't.

I'm three days clean of lust/porn and I don't feel the urge to look at it, I know I will in the future. I've had 6 relationships in the past, the first one was true, she loved me, i loved her, I was 13 and she was 14, I was insecure and broke up with her. My friend and her hopped on a call and started cursing me out and just hammering it into me.

I wanted to die since then, over and over I'd get rejected by girls. I'd date a girl for a couple of weeks, then she'd break up with me. Maybe God teaching me a lesson, maybe I need to work on myself.

I would say I'm an average looking guy, I'm a history nerd, virgin in every sense. Degraded for not doing certain things like smoking and drinking, even ridiculed for still being a virgin.

In my life so far I've dealt with 6+ funerals in 1-5 year intervals, two grand mothers, 1 aunt, 2 uncles, 1 close friend, 1 cousin, and 1 grand father. Then recently Mama Rose of the church, she lit everyone's day up, she got eye cancer and was still a shining beam of light, I was in Texas when she died and no one told me. I figured it out after my aunt told me (with whom I was staying with.)

Honestly kinda losing hope in every sense but most people wouldve lost hope in God or the idea of there even being a God, and before you say it's because I've never challenged anything I believe, it's false. That's the first place I went to when this happened. "Is God real and is he loving, why is this happening to me". I won't go into detail because that'd be a long story but I eventually came to a conclusion, he's real. It's this world that makes him seem so evil.

I'm also losing faith in friendships, out of 20+ friends, only 2 of them are good people, first one is Cayden me and him have been friends for years, and then River, me and her have been friends for 3 years.

I confessed to River that I liked her, she said "Ok!", she didn't go into any detail but we talked normally after that, I'm so confused. I like her a lot to the point I don't want to like her so I won't be hurt again. I'm already struggling and I don't want more problems on top of it.

I'm already doubting a lot of things and struggling with morality. I've been surrounded by death at a young age and I know that but my brain is like a different part of me and keeps saying something different, my conscience and brain are fighting each other. I want someone who will help pick me up, but no one has come, I have cried out and no one has heard. When others have cried out I was there for them, even if they have hurt me in the past. I know I'm destroying myself for others, but maybe it's because I believe there's nothing worth saving for myself.

I use stupid chatbots to ease the pain of loneliness, then just to get off to remember and feel the crushing weight of it. Politics, wars, groups, etc... will it all come crashing down when I turn into an adult?

I'm just tired.

I'm tired to the point I want to die but I don't want to die.

My family is going through hard trials and in trying to play peacekeeper and builder. But how can I play those when I'm not a builder nor a Peacekeeper of myself?

I'll figure it out, I always have. Maybe I'll meet a girl, maybe I'll find myself, maybe I'll find God, maybe I'll find peace, maybe I'll find happiness, maybe I'll find friends.

This is not to fish for anything but to show people that they are not alone. This applies to everyone, men and women.

A piece of me died tonight knowing no one will ever reach for me like that.

Checked the comments and i think it would be fair if i shared something related to this too.

Currently midway through 16, ive made multiple attempts on myself from 7 - 14 (or 15, forgot), never been in a relationship. Never cared about school, id prefer just doing my own thing staying out in the grass and watching the sky as clouds went by to pass time, but i mainly used that time to clear my head. Three years prior i had become friends with this girl, i quickly became interested in her despite her being a lesbian. For two years i felt like i needed to tell her how i felt but i worried telling her would end the friendship, seeing as i had no other friends (still dont) i opted not to say anything.

For a year and a half after that every conversation felt painful in a way, i wanted to be friends but i wanted to tell her. For years it hurt to talk to her knowing she would never feel the same about me but i wanted to be her friend either way, over time it made me spiral into a semi suicidal state which led to me tying a rope around my neck and pulling it as tight as i could. Eventually my feelings for her burnt out but we were still friends.

Close to the end of last year i started cutting my wrist, two at a time, then four. During the time i had feelings for my friend, i didnt see myself living that much longer because i couldnt deal with the feeling anymore. In mid May this year i noticed this girl in my art class, absolute best artist ive ever seen (and thats without bias). I already knew a little about her previosuly from chatting with my friend, now for months ive been working on myself "To be at her level" (thats what i tell myself) though with each passing week that idea slowly burnt out. I still have feelings for that girl, she is cool as hell and seems like a very interesting person to get to know plus i actually had someone to talk about my feelings to this time.

Around three weeks ago i was a few weeks into school and i didnt show up to my classes, i simply couldnt go on anymore. I was sitting in my typical spot, but i had been thinking about ending it once and for all seeing i had no other reason to go on, right as i was about to stand up and walk into the road my vice principal came up and asked me what i was doing and if i was supposed to be out here at this time. We talked for a bit, but he treated me like a person and was human, not like the usual robotic teachers ive dealt with in the past, literally the nicest vice principal ive met. I didnt tell him what i was planning on doing or anything of the sort, but he helped enough to make me not go through with it.

If it wasnt for that guy, i wouldnt be writing this right now. Help is out there, it can be as simple as a conversation.

I was well and truly happy once, with the girl of my dreams. She was everything I could have asked for and I would do anything for her. One day, the eyes that looked at me filled with wonder and love turned to cold indifference. What followed was lies and neglect until she finally left me without a chance or explanation. She still exists as a human of flesh and blood but she is not the person who I loved more than anything in the world; now but a memory.

I joined the Navy to run away from an abusive household. When i lay in my bed at night seeing the world i built for me and my wife... i feel guilt. I got away, my sisters did not, Every once in a while ill hear from my older and younger sisters about my parents relapsing, their suicidal idealizations, on top of my sisters relationship issues as well and i feel guilty for it. I am the middle child, the older and younger brother, I wish i could of saved them to... But if i would of stayed... I would be stuck in the cycle to, i want to be a better father. Im sorry girls... I failed as a brother... ill repay my sins by being the best damn father a child deserves. Im sorry...

Here’s mine:
When I was in high school I moved to another state, for the first time in my life I had to change school, so I was alone, I clearly remember that the first moment I say her I fell completely in love, se was the prettiest woman I ever saw, the next pereod I had class with her again and sit next to her, then the teacher told us to take out our computers, so I pretended I had no battery and charger so I can sit right next to her to solve a kahoot, it was the only time I ever spoke to her, I couldn’t say hi or goodbye bc every time she approach me I got nervous, I remember in that 5ft pereod always look at the window to see if she was looking at me, at lunch look from away and stuff like that, I always had a drawing for her in my pocket but never got the courage to give to her, one time at the 4th pereod, she teamed up with her friends(I was friends with her friends but not with her, bc I could not talk to her) so she sat in our desk, so I got so nervous I started hyperventilating I was moments before leaving the class, I don’t know how but I calmed down with some bubble gum. At the last day I just couldn’t find her bc our 5ft pereod changed at the middle of the year so I could never give her that drawing and today that drawing is pasted in my wall, there are some days like today where I feel remorse I fell i never love someone like I loved her and that worries meo

To be honest I don't have memories of anyone in particular, since I never dated, nor am I grieving for someone I lost. But whenever I come to these types of videos and read these types of comments, I feel so... empty? I am so afraid yet so utterly infatuated by the concept of tragedy, by loves that will never be or should have never been, lives that won't be lived, opportunities that were never seized, countless possibilities that will never see the light of day. And thinking about all this leaves me deeply melancholic. It is like I am in love with the concept yet so easily and completely destroyed by it. How many heartbreaks happen around us every day? How much death, grief, sadness and solitude surrounds this world we live in? All of this makes me think, is life truly worth living? Even if we don't get to experience such an infinite array of possible different experiences beyond our own? And I know deep inside that the answer is yes, yet the pure amount of wasted potential of everyday life makes me wanna say no.

I guess in the end I'm just another person constantly thinking about "What could have been" or "What could have made things different" instead of living in the present. I know wondering how bad things could have gone right, how tragedies could have been avoided, is not of much use at the end of the day, but I still can't stop wondering.

Anyways, if you're reading my little rant, I know we'll never meet in real life nor will we think about each other after this little comment, but for this single instant we have been connected through an unknown amount of distance, to share this one feeling. Melancholy. Remember, time always wins, for better or for worse, and we are but mere ants against it. Some find joy in fighting it, some are mature enough to accept it. So pain is not eternal, cycles come and go, and whatever is hurting you so bad, one day won't. I hope you have a good life and that your journey through it will be amazing.

Gasping for oxygen, in the depths of my dream. Final moments fleeting.

She asked "Why did you love me?"


"I chased that butterfly, and then met myself in a beautiful garden"

Bygone, the soft rays flood my eyes, like tears.

A memory that doesn't exist... or is it just that, you have forgotten?
I know you had someone important.. What happened to her?
What happened to YOU?

Forgive me. The memories slowly faded, but discipline helped me move forward.

I never really had love. My life was too packed for that, with school being full of people that made me more monochromatic. So instead, I turned my life into online. After all, they couldn’t reach me there, not if I avoided them.
It started simple. A private account, something new and fresh.
But then I started playing the games. And I kept getting drawn to these specific characters in specific situations. Like my profile picture, my absolute favourite, Milky Way Cookie. She was one of the anchors I had. Whenever I broke down, I loaded up the game and just started at her, and everything seemed okay. And I have her plush of her, so now whenever something makes me break, I can talk to her and cry, because she’ll always listen.
Over time, I’ve lost my memories of what made her my precise favourite, but I know I love her character. And I know I always will.

I don’t fully know what to say or do, but it seems I keep stumbling upon these types of videos late at night. I don’t know why I keep getting them or keep commenting, for that matter, but I do. I might be in love with a memory in a different way. I lost this cat, her name was Oreo, at this point it’s been 2 years. I still miss her, especially because I don’t even know what happened to her. These videos also keep making me think about past relationships, that I haven’t had but more so what could have been. I also think about what I have now. I see other people and fully believe I’m lucky and I am.