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Why Your Spouse Makes You So Angry | Ron and Nan Deal

Focus on the Family

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Every marriage has moments where old wounds, fear, and frustration can take over before we even realize what is happening. In this episode of Focus on the Family with Jim Daly, Ron and Nan Deal share honestly about the breaking points in their marriage, the grief of losing their son Connor, and how God began healing deep patterns of pain, reactivity, and self-protection.

In this video, you’ll learn:

🔹 Why couples can get stuck in the same painful arguments for years
🔹 How childhood wounds and emotional triggers affect marriage
🔹 What it means to “manage yourself” instead of trying to fix your spouse
🔹 How Ron and Nan found hope after grief, addiction, and marital strain
🔹 Practical ways to move from a pain cycle into a peace cycle

Their story is honest, tender, and deeply hopeful for anyone who feels stuck, weary, or unsure whether healing is still possible.

Get your copy of Ron and Nan Deal's book, "The Mindful Marriage" here: https://bit.ly/3PO2fJF
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Chapters:
0:00 When Marriage Reaches a Breaking Point
3:30 “It’s Either You or Me”
7:15 The Counseling Moment That Changed Everything
11:05 How Faith and Therapy Work Together
15:20 Why Your Spouse Can Feel Like a Threat
19:20 Learning to Manage Your Own Reactions
23:40 Replacing False Beliefs with God’s Truth
27:00 A Real-Life Example of Breaking the Cycle
30:15 Grieving the Loss of Their Son Connor
39:00 Nan’s Bottoming-Out Moment and God’s Healing
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#FocusontheFamily #ChristianMarriage #MarriageHelp #RonAndNanDeal #TheMindfulMarriage #MarriageRestoration #FaithAndFamily #ChristianCounseling

20 Comments

@focusonthefamily Creator 4 months ago Pinned

Get your copy of Ron and Nan Deal's book, The Mindful Marriage for FREE with a donation of any amount: https://bit.ly/3PO2fJF

@leekflower1 4 months ago

They have no idea how many people they are helping with their story including me.

@leekflower1 4 months ago

I didn't expect science but I'm here for it

@bloomfullcircle6017 4 months ago

Nan Deal, thank you for being so open and vulnerable in sharing your story. I related to many parts very closely. I was addicted to marijuana for many years, using it to numb. I’ve been sober for 4 years now but my husband (of 17 years) and I are struggling very much in the cycle you described in the beginning.

I just want to thank you for helping me to not feel alone in my experience today. For reminding me that good Christians still struggle and are still worthy even when struggling.

@CathyGibson-s1d 4 months ago

When my 12-year relationship came to an end, I was devastated. Letting go of someone I loved felt impossible, so I kept looking for answers. In the end, I turned to a spiritual counselor whose support helped me rebuild the connection.

@Toffee2424 4 months ago

Love the rawness and honesty… Jesus does come to the broken hearted 🙏

@rg7315 4 months ago

This was very encouraging, and eye opening. My husband and i struggle with cycles of conflict, reaction, and escalations. I have wondered why we cannot break this cycle. Hearing there is a neurological reason makes so much sense. And knowing that an educated and Christian couple who struggled like we do and broke that habit, gives me hope. I'm getting this book.

@WalkingInFaithAlone 4 months ago (edited)

We can't force these experiences. we have to get in a position to be molded, for God's glory, alone

@ronaldus1011 4 months ago

Fascinating and so uplifting. The GOOD which Focus on the Family brings makes it a priceless gift to people all around the world.

@MsAfrocomb1 4 months ago

Honestly, Nan, your story will set so many people free! I felt every word you spoke, and shed tears with you. God bless your ministry and the blessing you and your husband are to the world, because of your generosity sharing your story 🙏🏾❤️

@ivylagrone8632 4 months ago

If you will allow God to heal all your broken places, it will be the most beautiful thing you'll experience... 😢

@k.hendrickson8735 3 months ago

I have absolutely LOVED, since decades ago when I first heard them, the way Focus On The Family gets “in there” down into the mud bog to face the tough issues.
You all are awesome, FotF. Keep up the good work.

@SabelSisney 4 months ago

I was shocked at how similar my marriage is compared to theirs. I pray my husband and I can move forward from here. I need to work on me! Nan’s vulnerability was humbling and raw. Thank you. I needed to cry as I don’t Normally cry anymore. I struggle with abandonment issues as well, due to some circumstances in my life, not crying has become a part of my defense. Thank you for this video.

@lorihumbarger1290 4 months ago

Thank you for sharing your journey 🙏

@bernadette2722 4 months ago

This is why I’m on my own!

@ronaldus1011 4 months ago

A solid understanding of transactional analysis ( Eric Berne) is also helpful to reveal a deeper undetstanding of the dynamics between warring couples ..... followed by a commitment to bring honour and glory to God Almighty in such relationships.

@stevehosch8424 4 months ago

Precious ❤

@magdaburgers879 4 months ago (edited)

I can so relate to Nan when she bottomed out in 2020.
I too bottomed out in late March 2020, after being diagnosed with 2 primary cancers and having experienced our first miscarriage. It was beyond devastating!! I also took prescription meds to numb myself. It was both a horrible and good time because that's when i also cried out to the Lord. The grief was so big and it was tearing me appart. My actions caused my husband to not be able to grieve as he was too worried about me. That has caused a whole host of other troubles in our marraige. At that time He was studying to be a pastor and we were/are seen as "holier than thou". But little does one actuality know that we too are just people with issues as well!!
I told God exactly about how I felt about Him and how unfair the situation was. I am so greatful for His goodness and that His mercies are new every morning. He has blessed us with a beautiful daughter that is almost 4 and I am still cancer free. However, we still have unresolved issues in our marriage and he is not willing to even try couples counseling until I sort myself out first.... there is too much to unpack in just one comment.