I tend to be the opposite of a complainer. I'm going to suffer in slience because - as high masking - I'm going to mask my discomfort in order to fit in.

Okay who else is watching this video for themselves?

A big tell is long disclaimers and context setting before saying what they want to say (sorry to call you out- I do it too especially when scripting in my head ). On the other hand my ADHD husband will start talking with zero context, I.e. “can you give me their address?” When I have no reason to know who he is talking about. Or he will jump to a new conversation topic/story without a clear transition, leaving me totally lost lol.

have you ever missed a situation when someone tells you something very sad then afterwards you realized your reaction was totally wrong for that situation?

Wow, warm yet avoidant..oh yes.

i would like to add that the “complaining” is also tied to our tendency to point out certain things that we aren’t intending to complain about or point out negatively, we’re just making neutral statements that are perceived by others as complaints 😭😫 that gets frustrating for me when someone else perceives my comment as a complaint when i was just making an observation

trait list from this video :
eye movement and gait - 5:45
complainer - 11:22
nitpicky/controlling - 15:12
self perception = what others have told you - 18:55
attentive yet avoidant - 27:21

It is quite ridiculous that a handful of YouTubers know way more about this subject than the majority of so called 'professionals', and that this dynamic is being enforced by the moronic design of the education system. Frankly that this neurotype is even viewed as a 'disorder', is largely artificial and a result of the design of the education system, among other things. Please keep sharing.

You described me perfectly.

I fit nearly every stereotyped criteria for Autism spectrum as a child - stimming, strange and obsessive interests, not sociable, non-conventional gender identity/playmate choice/toy and clothing preferences, unusual speech development, unable to eat most foods due to texture aversions, needed only certain fabrics with no tags for clothes, child of much older than average parents who both exhibited pronounced Autistic traits, etc - except two; I was an early walker with above average athletic skill and I loved to perform for crowds. Because I also was classed as far above average on intelligence testing but was so hyperactive I couldn't behave as a normal little girl in classrooms I was instead slotted into ADHD.

By my late teens into adulthood, I became so, I guess,  high masking that people assume I'm a snob disinterested in friendships rather than a bundle of constantly overstimulated nerves. I've never been bullied or excluded; people tend to look at me as a leader, and turn to me as if I'm in charge, even in situations where I'm not. Yet, I'm unable to handle excessively close relationships of friendship or romance. I can't stand bright lights or background noise; intensity controllable voice activated home LED lighting has been a lifesaver for me! I spend hours alone pacing the floor or rocking back and forth while curled into a tight ball. I spin myself in circles on my desk chair because it relieves stress. Then morning comes, I put on my human costume, and spend the day reminding myself to make eye contact, stop bouncing and fidgeting, don't flap my hands, don't break down and say or do anything that sounds like complaining or emotional release. Every few months, I have a full mental and physical meltdown where I have to hide away from the world until I feel able to face it all again.

I've seen multiple psychiatrists and psychologists. My ADHD diagnosis still stands, but I've also been labelled at different times with CPTSD, OCD and Schizophrenia spectrum disorder. No medication or therapy has ever worked, so I stopped interacting with mental health. Starting in university, I began volunteering as a support companion and recreation coordinator for Autistic youth. I love these kids and teens. Non-verbal Autists who have rejected every other worker snuggle with me and we chatter together in a 'language' of tongue clicks and rapid noises I've used with myself all my life. We just sort of understand each other. I don't get embarrassed by their quirks in public; sometimes I join in with silly walks and obsessive talk on one topic. I'm not doing what I'm supposed to, I guess, as I don't discourage their "problematic" behaviours, I enjoy them. I feel more comfortable with them than I do with ordinary folks.

Yeah, so I need to wrap this up - as is obvious, I'm overly wordy - but I just needed to unload all this in your comments for some reason. I relate to your observations and how you deliver them, your thought processes and personal style come off as quite similar to mine, and that makes me feel less strange. Thanks for that.

Yeah, I'm the long term complainer. Got diagnosed recently and really don't have anyone around me cuz they are all sick of me. I'm happier now without humans getting upset at me and having to decipher their intentions and can now provide my own accommodations knowing I am autistic. Living my best hermit life now!!

I totally relate to the "attentive yet avoidant" type, both in friendships and relationships.
All my partners have basically told me how in person I'm the sweetest but when it comes to texting I may take too long to respond or sound uninterested. I've realized that it's kind of true but it's because I'm just too exhausted to do it and honestly I don't even want to, so it feels like I'm forcing myself to keep up with them.
I end up resenting my partner without being their fault, it's just that I subconsciously tend to mask all the time and never show my "true self" (whatever it might be lol). It's a long process that I feel that I'm just starting to unpack at 23, but videos like yours help me feel a little bit less lonely and more understood, so thank you so much <3

i would love more videos about high masking autism.... i just within the past two years realized I'm autistic and have been masking my whole life. its very comforting having content creators like you that point out things i may have been doing without realizing it

You asked whether we'd like a second part of this video... Yes please! 🙏

The attentive but avoidant part is funny. I would describe myself as both depending on the situation, person, environment. Generally I fit this description but I rarely high mask in 1 on 1 interactions.

I’m most authentic and open during 1 on 1s cause it’s less stressful and unpredictable than group dynamics. I still have the urge to mask with some people if they’re more guarded or if my intuition tells me they’re unsafe.

I resonate so much with so many of these, especially the hypervigilant observation while socializing and the attentive yet avoidant. But I think it might just be ADHD plus social/relational trauma, it’s so hard to tell lol. So much overlap.

I am nearly 62 years old and I have spent my entire life wondering why. Why was I an alcoholic? (I'll have 10 years sober in July) Why am I so lonely? Why do I feel weird? Do others think I'm weird? (Must not let them know I'm weird) Why are my romantic relationships devolve into being abusive? Why am I attracted to outsiders? Why can't I have normal friendships? Why don't I have healthy boundaries? Why do I need to be alone so much even though I'm lonely? Why do I hate small talk? Why am I super observant even when I don't want to be? Why don't I know how to do life like so many others seem to? Why does injustice disturb me so much? Why, why, why  everything all the time! Thank you for making these videos! ❤

What I’ve noticed about myself is when I speak to coworkers/strangers I feel very stiff. I rarely show any emotion, my face is almost like in a “frozen” state, if that makes sense. At times my mind goes blank if the interaction was unexpected. When I speak to family and best friends I’m so different. internally I’m so much more relaxed. I can be playful.

A niche topic I would love to see a video about is how many of us high-masking, late-diagnosed autists have gone no-contact with their families of origin and what were the reasons why. I realize that implies that we are financially independent. And a subset of that group are how many have settled for abusive relationships or made other dehumanizing sacrifices in order to be no-contact with their families of origin. I hear so much hate from neurotypical mothers of autistic children in the complaints about their autistic children in Autism groups that I wonder about these things. They just want someone in these groups to suggest someone who can fix their child or explain how to "fix" them or get them to get jobs and move out, or whatever. They aren't looking to understand their child or why they might be doing whatever it is. Also related is how many are stuck living in a toxic family situation because they have no way of being able to work.

My new favorite response for tricky social situations like the one you described is “how did/do you feel about that?” It doesn’t feel out of place in most conversations, and it expresses interest while allowing me to very explicitly gather the emotional context needed to know how to properly respond.

Your explanation made me realize that I might be attentive but avoidant because of being high-masking all my life. I still struggle with moving past the "We should hang out more!" stage of friendships, and I didn't realize that I may be so avoidant because of burnout from masking. Thank you!!