Trying to Keep People As a Fantasy
Ehren's Journal
5,263 views
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Discussing how certain styles of interacting with people isn’t just an attempt to help us avoid things we’re uncomfortable with,m with ourselves but also helps us subtly control others and avoid things we’re uncomfortable with in them.
Made for people with avoidance issues or anxiety within trauma.
#FearfulAvoidant #AvoidantAttachment #TraumaHealing #AuthenticRelationships #DistressTolerance #windowoftolerance
Do you struggle to be yourself around new people, avoid potential friendships or relationships, or feel like anxiety and negative expectations keep you from forming deeper connections? In this video, I explore how trauma, fearful-avoidant attachment, emotional avoidance, and a low window of tolerance can cause us to unconsciously limit ourselves in relationships—showing people a safer, more controlled version of who we are because we’re afraid we won’t be able to emotionally tolerate conflict, rejection, disappointment, discomfort, or discovering parts of another person that make us uncomfortable. I share my own realization that trying to keep interactions positive and predictable doesn’t just prevent me from showing up authentically; it can also become an attempt to control my environment and keep other people within the narrow emotional range that feels safe to my nervous system. We’ll talk about avoidance, distress tolerance, trauma responses, fearful-avoidant attachment, difficulty trusting yourself and others, fear of vulnerability, self-limiting behaviors, and why wanting connection while simultaneously wanting to run away can make new friendships and relationships so difficult. If you struggle with making friends, letting people get close, being your authentic self, tolerating uncomfortable emotions, or repeatedly avoiding opportunities for meaningful connection, this conversation is about recognizing those patterns with curiosity and compassion—and slowly learning to tolerate the imperfect, unpredictable reality of relationships instead of needing yourself or other people to be a safe fantasy version of who they really are.
20 Comments
It's not something to get over.
Moving away from it looks like optimizing for mood, choosing not to do things you don't want to, choosing to do things where you notice yourself being happy or where it is easy to pretend to be happy.
Non violent communication.
People are not things.
I think the main reason I find myself less able to tolerate negative feelings is, in many cases, just that I see myself as being in a somewhat better place than I was before. When you’re in a terrible situation and don’t see a way out, resisting feels pointless, so I would often indulge in that kind of unrestricted thinking and ruminating because there was no avoiding it. Maybe in that situation when you don’t have control over your circumstances, it can make you feel like you have some control by confronting those feelings. But when you’re in a better place, trying to avoid them makes sense.
Sometimes I listen to random videos I can find just to hear someones voice. This was one of them. Thank you. I hope life treats you well.
Trying to Keep People As a Fantasy
Ehren's Journal
5,263 views
Sign up to receive direct updates for resources and announcements not posted on YouTube, such as my book releases: http://www.redcircleproject.com/newsl...
Discussing how certain styles of interacting with people isn’t just an attempt to help us avoid things we’re uncomfortable with,m with ourselves but also helps us subtly control others and avoid things we’re uncomfortable with in them.
Made for people with avoidance issues or anxiety within trauma.
#FearfulAvoidant #AvoidantAttachment #TraumaHealing #AuthenticRelationships #DistressTolerance #windowoftolerance
Do you struggle to be yourself around new people, avoid potential friendships or relationships, or feel like anxiety and negative expectations keep you from forming deeper connections? In this video, I explore how trauma, fearful-avoidant attachment, emotional avoidance, and a low window of tolerance can cause us to unconsciously limit ourselves in relationships—showing people a safer, more controlled version of who we are because we’re afraid we won’t be able to emotionally tolerate conflict, rejection, disappointment, discomfort, or discovering parts of another person that make us uncomfortable. I share my own realization that trying to keep interactions positive and predictable doesn’t just prevent me from showing up authentically; it can also become an attempt to control my environment and keep other people within the narrow emotional range that feels safe to my nervous system. We’ll talk about avoidance, distress tolerance, trauma responses, fearful-avoidant attachment, difficulty trusting yourself and others, fear of vulnerability, self-limiting behaviors, and why wanting connection while simultaneously wanting to run away can make new friendships and relationships so difficult. If you struggle with making friends, letting people get close, being your authentic self, tolerating uncomfortable emotions, or repeatedly avoiding opportunities for meaningful connection, this conversation is about recognizing those patterns with curiosity and compassion—and slowly learning to tolerate the imperfect, unpredictable reality of relationships instead of needing yourself or other people to be a safe fantasy version of who they really are.